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I shook my head.

“But I do think I have some feelings for him,” she
whispered. “Maybe. He’s really great. Isn’t that what you have
always told me? But I still am very attached to Matt. Nothing is
changing at this moment. I’m just trying to figure it all out
first.”

I had never heard her use the word attached before
when talking about Matt. That word didn’t bode well for him winning
out. But I wasn’t going to say anything. And I was happy that Kate
was falling for Dr. Mortimer. I just wanted Matt to know. I didn’t
like lying to him and that’s what it had felt like.

I told her about his new painting and she seemed to
wince when I mentioned that he had stopped by The Bugler with his
homemade muffin looking for her.

“I should just talk to him, he must sense it’s
coming to an end,” she said. “I just don’t want to hurt him. God, I
hate breakups.”

She threw herself on the bed.

“But back to your vision. So do you have any idea
where the body is? I’m going to call James Baker. He’s on duty
tonight and he won’t mind looking around if I give him a good
tip.”

“The body’s not far, I could still see the flames,”
I said. “Unless he moved him. And Kate, I’m sure that he was the
man who set the fire. When you pulled up, he was alive and standing
in the crowd and I stood right next to him.”

She nodded.

“Well, that will be fairly easy to prove. He
probably has evidence on his hands and clothes. They’ll be able to
determine if he did it,” she said.

“Good,” I said. At least it was something. Some sort
of real proof.

“Boy, he sure did quite the job on the house,” Kate
said. “It’s completely destroyed. But it was vacant. Right now, the
police think that a group of men were squatting inside at night and
someone accidentally set the house on fire with one of those small
camping stoves. With the real estate market the way it is and
houses sitting empty, I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often.
But they’ll be able to tell if it’s arson. It’s not so hard.”

It would be pretty easy to break into the empty
houses that were for sale around town and sleep in them at night. I
wondered if that’s what Matt was doing.

“Where did Dr. Mortimer go, by the way?” I asked,
remembering that he had disappeared in my vision.

“We said goodbye right after we got there. I had
interviews to do and since there weren’t any victims in the house,
he got a ride back home from the ambulance guys.”

Kate cleared her throat.

“You never see him? His face, I mean. The
killer?”

“No,” I said.

I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. I
couldn’t tell if I was cold or scared, but that familiar fear was
churning around inside me like a washing machine. I was suddenly
exhausted. It was late and these visions took it out of me, like I
used to feel the night after a real tough soccer game. Maybe Jesse
and Kate were right. Maybe I shouldn’t be so caught up in any of
this. Maybe I really needed to focus on myself. If the police
didn’t care so much, why was I bothering?

“You okay, Abby?” Kate said, her gray eyes big.

“It’s a terrible thing to watch people die,” I said,
releasing more tears. “Please, Kate, help me stop it.”

“I will,” she said. “Promise.”

CHAPTER 18

As I walked to class, I wondered why I had never
seen his face.

Kate was right. The visions had become sharper and
in this last one I saw so many details. I had seen Kate and Dr.
Mortimer, the smirking arsonist soon-to-be murder victim, the
raging fire. But I never saw the killer’s face. Was it because I
was too scared to look, or was it something else?

Amanda and her friends were standing next to their
lockers, backs glued to metal as they eyed the kids walking by.
They got all quiet as I passed, but I heard their hissing whispers
soon after. My stomach dropped as I felt those sharp comments sting
like darts on my back.

Amanda seemed to hate me more and more as the year
moved along and I still had no idea why. From what I was able to
piece together through pictures and old soccer videos, at one time
we were really good friends. In fact, it looked like we were best
friends. But since the accident, she hated me. She never came to
the hospital and had stopped by the house one time to see me with
the coach and team. She called a few times, but it was forced. I
could tell even back then.

The only logical reason I could think of was that it
must have had something to do with me not being able to play
anymore, that I had let the team down. I had not only ruined my own
chances for a soccer scholarship, but ruined her shot as well. It
made no sense though. I wasn’t up for dealing with it, but I knew
that I’d have to confront her eventually.

In history, Mr. Collins gave me back my test, a C+,
and that was okay lately. I’d take it. Actually, it was an
improvement.

“Better! Keep it going!” was written at the top in
red and circled. I sighed. I was pretty sure that was the kind of
note teachers wrote to the idiots in class.

I made it through the day. None of it was too
exciting. But I was pleased with myself that I was able to do it,
sit and pay attention, take tests, get Cs. That would be enough to
pass, to graduate in June and get my diploma. It was afterwards
that made my blood run cold. I had no idea what I was going to
do.

Jesse was absent again. Dude was flipping out, I
concluded as I dropped off my English paper. It made me kind of
mad, actually. Here he was, super jock, grades that put the honor
students to shame. He had everything and his future was golden,
laid out perfectly. But he didn’t seem to care about any of that
anymore.

Jesse didn’t like to talk about serious things and I
knew that me nearly dying last year had hurt him. Maybe he felt
like he couldn’t leave me next year, that I would fall to pieces if
he went off to school, that my recovery would take a nose dive. And
maybe he was right.

But just as I was heading out the double doors and
had written him off, there he was, walking to the gym with the
team. He ran up to me, smiling, dribbling his basketball on the
floor.

“Hey, Craigers,” he said. “Think fast!”

I caught the ball and threw it back.

“She shoots, she scores! Arrrrrrr, the crowd goes
wild,” he said, running around me and jumping up.

“Hey, could you give me a ride after practice
today?”

My heart was doing that strange fluttering thing it
did now whenever I saw Jesse, especially if I hadn’t seen him in a
while.

“Sure, I’ll swing back after Dr. Krowe,” I said.
“I’m happy to see you. I bet Coach is too.”

He gave me a thumbs up and ran off to catch up with
the other guys heading into the gym.

As I drove, I thought about Dr. Krowe. I thought
about talking to him. Really talking. Maybe it was the anniversary
that was coming up. Or maybe I just was tired of keeping everything
bottled up inside. It seemed like the more I made it through the
school year, the more lost I was becoming.

I sat in the leather chair across from him and
inhaled slowly.

“It’ll be one year soon,” I said. He put his pen on
the pad and held his chin in his hand.

“How you are feeling about that?”

I stared at him for a minute. I wondered if he
missed his kids. He had told me when we started that he was a
divorced dad with two boys and that they lived back east somewhere.
I wondered if that was why he only worked with teenagers.

“Fine, I guess,” I said. I was nervous, worried that
once I began, I wouldn’t be able to stop. And I didn’t want to get
all flustered and start talking about the visions. I was going to
listen to Jesse’s advice on that.

“Frustrated, actually,” I said, crossing my legs and
sitting up in the chair. “It’ll be a year and nothing’s changed.
I’m not really moving forward. I don’t know what I’m doing or where
I’m going and I’m sick of everybody thinking I’m such a freak.”

Fat raindrops splattered against the window. I
stared at them for a moment, trying to hide my wet eyes.

“Good,” he finally said.

“Good?” I asked, sarcastically.

“Good, because that’s the first real thing you’ve
said since we started.”

I nodded.

“Pick one thing. One thing you really want to
discuss and we’ll go from there.”

I picked Amanda. I was honest about everything,
about how she was always blowing me off and seemed angry with me
and I had no idea why. And how it was really bugging me, but I was
too afraid to talk to her.

“It seems to be getting worse,” I said.

“Maybe it’s like you said. Maybe she lost out
because the team is no good anymore. Maybe she was riding on your
coattails a little bit and now she has to do it on her own. Do you
know if she has any colleges lined up for next year?”

Then I remembered. Something. It came from nowhere,
just slithered back into my mind like it had always been there the
entire time.

And it was big. Before the accident, Amanda and
Jesse were dating.

“Oh, my God, it’s about Jesse,” I said. “It’s not
about soccer. It’s about Jesse!”

“What about Jesse?” he asked, scribbling.

“Amanda was totally in love with him. I remember! I
remember!”

It happened. The first lost memory had found its way
back. A memory had returned. And then a few more filled my mind as
I closed my eyes.

They came back in waves, more and more as I talked
with Dr. Krowe about Amanda. We were in a car, her car, and she was
driving. We were headed to the mall when she started talking about
Jesse and then nervously asked if it would be okay to go out with
him. I remember laughing. “Of course, Jesse and I are just
friends.” I told her that even though there was a small tug at my
heart. I was all about Conner then and we had just started dating.
“You guys should go out, really.” I remembered feeling happy that
my two best friends would be together, that Jesse found someone he
was interested in. Then I remembered seeing them together, in the
hallway, holding hands during football games.

Of course she hated me!

I told Dr. Krowe everything, even if it was painful
realizing what I had been doing, I felt thrilled. Thrilled to have
those memories back.

“Excellent,” he said as he wrote in his notepad.
“This is a tremendous breakthrough. And it’s just the beginning.
You’ve taken the hardest step here today, Abby. This has been a
very good session.”

I stood up. It was the fastest hour since I had
started seeing Dr. Krowe.

“See you next week,” I said.

“You have my number. Call if any other things come
up. I’m always available.”

I smiled. My life was coming back to me.

CHAPTER 19

I decided not to mention the specifics of my
memories to Jesse, especially about Amanda, until I was ready. It
felt great to understand things, why Amanda had turned on me. But
there were still mysteries, things I didn’t know. Like why weren’t
they still hanging out? I hadn’t seen them together since I had
come back to school. I felt stupid suddenly about how I had told
him I loved him. No wonder it was too late. Of course it was. He
was with Amanda.

When I picked him up, I told Jesse about the great
session with Dr. Krowe and that some memories came back. I was
still flying high. I was so excited.

“That’s awesomo, Craigers!” he said as we drove.
“See, Doc Mortimer was right. It just takes time. You’ll have it
all back soon.”

“Yeah,” I said. “For the first time in a while, I
believe that.”

“You should go ahead and apply to a few colleges.
Write an essay about your death experience, they’ll love that. You
might be ready by September.”

I smiled. College. I hadn’t even thought about that.
That still seemed a ways off, being that I hadn’t even passed my
last algebra test.

“Well, one step at a time,” I said.

“Right,” he said. “Seriously, that’s great.”

“Let’s do something this weekend,” I said. Even with
the new knowledge about Amanda, it was an old habit, hanging out
with Jesse, and one I didn’t want to give up. I bit my bottom lip.
Damn.

“Name it, I’m there,” he said.

“Well, only if you have time. I mean, if you have
plans with other people, that’s okay. I’m totally cool with
that.”

I said it even though I really didn’t feel it
inside. It was good to have the memory back about Amanda and Jesse,
but I couldn’t stop these feelings I had for him. They were
swelling up in me like a river after a storm.

“Gotta be at night because I’ve got some serious
burger serving to do up at the mountain all day Saturday and
Sunday, plus I’ll need time for my free runs. Hey, you should come
up! The mountain misses you!”

“It’s doing fine without me,” I said.

“I’m off by 3. I could sneak you on the lift. Why
don’t you meet me?”

“Not yet,” I said. I wasn’t ready to go up to the
mountain. I missed snowboarding, but I didn’t have my balance back
yet. And the last thing I wanted to do was watch a bunch of people
doing something I loved so much.

“How about a movie or something? When you get
back.”

“Sure,” he said. “Or even cosmic bowling and the
arcade if nothing good is playing. Just let me know.”

We pulled up to his house. It was nice to think
about fun things for a change and not about lakes and visions and
fires and killers.

“So you actually like serving up burgers to a bunch
of snow monkeys?”

“It’s not so bad. They’re mostly friendly. Hey, good
work today on your memory recovery,” Jesse said, giving me a high
five. “And thanks for the ride. See you at school tomorrow.”

“Glad to hear you say that,” I said. “You know, the
part about you being at school and all.”

“Yes, mom,” he said opening the car door. But then
he stopped.