16 Hitman (19 page)

Alice was going to have a field day.

"YOU PICKED UP A GIRL?" Alice was at her taunting best. Eyebrows raised, teasing smile.

"I didn't pick up a girl."

"I thought you said you went out for drinks"

"Yes."

"From a funeral"

"Yes."

"Isn't there a scene like that in Weddin t, Crashers?"

"Alice."

"How cute. You actually picked up a girl. At your age. I'm
impressed"

She was also impressive. Alice was lounging on the bed in a
T-shirt that always reminds me of Mary Louise Parker in the West
Win' episode where she dances in josh's kitchen. I saw the
episode again, and the T-shirt Mary Louise Parker is wearing
doesn't look anything like it. Go figure. This does not diminish the allure, however. When Alice wears the T-shirt, she tends to
distract me from my appointed task.

"It was business," I protested.

"Oh? Were you on the job?"

"That's what she said"

"Huh?"

I explained my conversation about my involvement in the case.

"So, you took her to a bar."

"A coffee shop"

"A coffee bar?"

"If you want to call it that."

"What did you have."

"We had iced lattes."

I I We? 11

"Okay. She had an iced latte. I had an iced latte."

"You're being very defensive."

"I'm being nothing of the sort. I'm trying to answer your questions, and you don't like the answers."

"Well, I'm trying to adjust. It's not every day you pick up a girl
in a bar."

"I picked up a girl at a funeral."

"And you took her to the coffee bar to ... ?"

"Turn her inside out and see what makes her tick"

"Oh. Lofty goal. I think. How did she look inside out?"

"Alice."

"So what did she tell you?"

"Not very much"

"It was a complete waste of latte?"

"I got some information"

"Such as?"

"She'd been with Marsden two years. Met him at an art show."

"An art show?"

"I don't make the facts, I just report them"

"And what was the young lady doing at an art show?"

"Looking at art."

"And meeting men"

"I don't know if that's why she went. She did happen to meet one."

"And she stayed with him for two years and then he got shot."

"She stayed with him for two years, then she left him, and then
he got shot."

"Right away?"

"No. There were some intervening months."

"During which time she took up with the teacher?"

"She denies it"

"Of course, she denies it. He's married."

"You doubt her word?"

"Of course"

"You don't even know her."

"I see her through your eyes. It's like watching a movie. And
you took her to a coffee bar where she denied having an affair
with the married schoolteacher. How long did that take?"

"Not long."

"You cross-examined her on it. Really pinned her down. But
she had no problem, since she was telling the truth"

"Is that irony? Are you being ironic with me?"

"Of course not. That would be catty.You're not accusing me of
being catty, are you?'

"Certainly not"

"So what's her connection with the dead man? Aside from the
fact he's her ex-boyfriend? How ex is ex?"

"She said six months"

"Had she seen him lately?"

"Oh"

"That didn't seem like a good question?"

"It wasn't what I was interested in"

"I'll bet."

"I think you're missing the big picture here."

"What big picture?"

"The dead man said he was supposed to kill somebody and told
me he was Martin Kessler. Then lie got killed, and his name wasn't
Martin Kessler. Then somebody tried to kill Martin Kessler. What's
wrong with this picture?"

"Nothing," Alice said. "It's just like I told you. The victim was
always Martin Kessler. That's why he gave you that name. But he
didn't want to kill Martin Kessler, so someone killed him. Then
that someone tried to kill Martin Kessler."

"Say that's true. Then how do you explain the girl?"

"What's to explain?"

"Are you kidding? It's a monumental coincidence. They both
know the same girl."

"But it's not a coincidence." Alice looked at me as if I were a
moron. "Don't you get it? She's the key. The guy's been going
about his merry business, bumping off people right and left. Until
now. What happened? Someone asked him to kill his ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. That is more than he can handle. He
goes out of his way to avoid having to do it"

I blinked. "Can it be that simple?"

"Why not?"

"Well, you're talking about a hitman with a heart of gold. He
wants to spare the guy who took his girl? Are you kidding me?
Most nien would want to kill the guy who took his girl."

"Maybe," Alice said. "But you're talking about a hitman with a
heart of gold anyway, the minute he wants to spare anyone.
Hitnien blow your brains out, get paid, and that's that. They don't
give it a second thought"

"Yeah, but ..."

"But what?"

"It's a far cry from having scruples to being a saint.You gotta
assume the guy knew who Kessler was the minute he heard the name. He could have just said, `I'm personally involved, pass it on
to someone else.' "

"Who?"

"I don't know. Whoever killed him, for instance."

Alice wasn't convinced. "So, what did you tell her your involvement was in all this?"

"I told her I was a friend of Victor Marsden. I want to find out
why he was killed. Strictly on my own. I told her my investigation wasn't professional."

"There's an understatement."

"Alice."

"Did she buy that?"

"I don't know."

"Couldn't you tell?"

"No, I couldn't. I feel like I'm juggling so many balls in the air
I don't know which is which."

"And what was the reason for your interest in Martin Kessler?
I mean, how much did you tell this girl?"

"If I were calling her a girl you'd be all over me. In a manner
of speaking."

"You wanna answer the question?"

"I was vague and evasive."

"That's hard to believe."

"Where did you get that T-shirt?"

"Don't change the subject. We're not talking about me, we're
talking about her."

"You're more attractive."

"Now you're just pissing me off. How old is this girl?"

"Old enough to be called a woman."

"Old enough to vote?"

"Alice."

"So, you told her you're a PI, swept her off her feet."

"I didn't sweep her off her feet."

"Did you tell her you're a PI?"

"No fair. I already told you that"

"So, you told her you're a PI" Alice shook her head, pityingly.
"No wonder the poor girl fell so hard."

"Alice, the girl couldn't care less about me."

"Oh, now she's a girl?" Alice rolled her eyes. "Stanley, you're
about as perceptive as the average tree slug. Particularly when it
comes to women. Trust me, she's smitten. She probably sees you as
a father figure, but nonetheless. I'd watch out, if I were you."

I grinned. "Oh, really? And just why is that?"

"Numbskull!" Alice spread her arms, reasoning with an idiot.
"Someone tried to shoot her last two boyfriends."

MACAULLIF WASN'T MUCH BETTER. "You went to the guy's
funeral and picked up a witness?"

"Someone had to."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Crowley wasn't interested in her."

"How do you know?"

"He didn't even question her."

"Sure he did."

"Huh?"

"You're talking about the schoolteacher with the pointy breasts?
He questioned her right after he questioned you."

"Then how come she wasn't on TV?"

"You weren't on TV."

"I know, but ..."

"But what?"

"She never mentioned being questioned."

"Did you ask her?"

"Not specifically."

MacAullif shook his head. "And you wonder why you make no
progress." He took a file off his desk, flipped it open. "Would that
be one Sheila Blaine?"

"I think so."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, that's her name."

"Crowley questioned her."

"About the shooting at the school?"

"Yeah."

"But not the Marsden shooting?"

"No.'

"And you ridicule my interrogation techniques."

"Nothing connected her to the Victor Marsden shooting. She
was questioned as an eyewitness. Nothing else."

"So Crowley missed the connection."

"Crowley didn't go to the funeral."

"It would have been a good move, as things worked out."

"Yeah," MacAullif said. "You know how much free time I'd
have if I went to the funeral of every homicide victim I was investigating? I'd never see a movie again. Or have a backyard barbecue.
I'd be divorced in a year. Should I go on?"

"Is Sergeant Thurman still on the case?"

"He's on paid leave, pending review. Routine for a fatal
shooting."

"When's he get his medal?"

"You're really pissed, aren't you?"

"Even Perky Breasts thinks I fell."

"It's not in her statement."

I picked up the file. "You have her statement?"

"Oh, you got it bad, haven't you? I take it this is one comely
teacher."

"You haven't seen her?"

"When would I see her?"

"You said the teacher with the pointy breasts"

"Just goin' on what I hear"

"Wait a minute. A simple eyewitness is important enough cops
are talking about her?"

"No. A simple eyewitness has perky enough tits people are
talking about her. Jesus Christ, get your priorities straight"

"Okay," I said, changing the subject. "If Thurman's not protecting the schoolteacher, who is?"

"By that I assume you mean the one who got shot at? Not the
one you're infatuated with."

"Come on, MacAullif. Who's on the case?"

"Everybody and his brother. Guy can't take a piss without
someone recording the fact."

"Is he going to school?"

"Not so you could notice."

"What's the point? If the police have him sewn up, no one's
gonna make a move on him"

"That's what they're hoping."

"So the case is never solved and the guy spends the rest of his
life in protective custody."

"What makes you think the case will never be solved?"

"Well, is anyone tracking down leads? Someone tried to kill
this guy for a reason. How about finding who he's involved with
who might care whether he lives or dies?"

MacAullif smacked himself on the forehead. "Oh, my god!
What a great idea! Thank goodness you came down here today. I'll
pass that suggestion right along."

"So they've already done that. Okay, what did they find?"

"Nothing. The guy's clean as a whistle. Doesn't drink, smoke,
gamble, or take drugs. Doesn't owe a bundle to any loan shark.
Bought his apartment ten years ago for eight hundred and twenty thousand. Price is for the midtown location. The apartment's not
that big. Been paying the mortgage on it ever since. Mortgage is
paid up. Blue Cross Blue Shield. He's got life insurance."

"How much?"

"He's worth two million dead. Four million if it's accidental."

"What about the wife?"

"What about her? Lovely lady. Wife and mother. Homemaker.
But .. "

"There's a but?"

"Drug bust in college. Cocaine. Paid a fine, did community
service"

"Cocaine?"

"Yeah."

"You need a lot of money to do that"

"That you do. And if the little lady was still tootin', she might
have done the shootin'."

"She was standing right next to me when it happened"

"I mean the hiring. It just didn't rhyme."

"I don't like it, MacAullif."

"I hate it like hell, but the facts are the facts."

"Come on. How does a woman like that find a niob hitman?"

"How did the perky schoolteacher find one? It's not a physical
impossibility, you know."

"The schoolteacher never hired a hitman to kill anyone."

"How do you know?"

"What?"

MacAullif shook his head. "Your problem is you believe everything people tell you. What if she wasn't the guy's girlfriend at all?
What if she hired him to kill Kessler?"

"Why would she do that?"

"How the hell should I know? Maybe he's a clingy son of a
bitch she can't get rid of. You know the type. Won't accept the
fact it's over. Cramps her style in terms of meeting anyone else."

"So she kills him?"

"These are not gems, just suggestions. A lot of them are going
to be wrong."

"Can you connect Mrs. Kessler to the hitman?"

"Which hitinan?"

"Any hitman.Victor Marsden. Frankie Delgado. Bruce Fucking
Willis in The Whole Nine Yards. Amanda Peet."

"Who?"

"His girlfriend. In the movie. She was a hitman trainee."

"Oh"

"Is the woman dirty?" I persisted.

"Amanda Peet?"

"Mrs. Kessler!" I glared at MacAullif. His eyes were twinkling.
"You did that on purpose. Can't you tell I'm drowning here."

"I don't see why. You're not a cop. You really have no obligation to solve this case"

"Except I'm charged with obstruction of justice"

"Yeah," MacAullif admitted grudgingly. "I bet that charge
would go away if you butt out and let the cops do their job"

My eyes widened. "Was that a bribe? Did you just offer me
a bribe?"

"Certainly not."

"Or a threat?"

"A threat?"

"The implied inverse. If I don't butt out, they'll prosecute me to
the full extent of the law."

"That's not the case at all. Though it's an awfully good suggestion"

I sighed. "Okay. What about the other end?"

"What other end?"

"Marsden."

"I ran Marsden for you, remember? Contract killer with ties to
Tony Fusilli. Strictly small-time"