101 Ways to Bug Your Friends and Enemies (27 page)

1. Sneeze all over their birthday cake so only you can eat it.

2. Steal their One True Love.

3. Write letters or e-mails to them impersonating their One True Love.

4. Gossip about them behind their back. Extra points if you submit the gossip to the school newspaper.

5. Tell him he has a unibrow.

6. Tell
her
she has a unibrow.

7. Tell him his fly is undone when you're in the middle of a big crowd of girls.

8. When you notice she has a new hairstyle, blurt: “Eww! What happened to your hair?!”

9. Show pictures of them that they hate to the person they have a crush on.

10. Don't sit next to them in class or on the bus.

11. Sit behind them in class and tap them repeatedly on the shoulder. Alternate with repeatedly kicking the back of their chair.

12. Hum or whistle under your breath when they're trying to concentrate.

13. When your class is having a slide show or PowerPoint presentation, jump up and say: “I have a question!” and block their view.

14. When the teacher asks a question, raise your hand and say: “My friend knows the answer!”

15. When a teacher asks for a volunteer, point at your friend. Extra points if you can get everyone else in class to point at your friend too.

16. Ask if you can copy their homework and/or borrow their class notes because you were too busy spending the day at a nearby amusement park.

17. Brag about your latest A.

18. Brag about your latest A even if you know they got a D or an F.

19. Never study for tests, but get A's anyway.

20. Be a teacher's pet.

21. Take the last good meal in the cafeteria so they're forced to eat Chef's Surprise.

22. Snitch food off their plate when they're not looking. (Extra points if they are looking.)

23. Have so many after-school activities that you don't have free time to hang out with them.

24. If they forgot to bring their lunch money, offer to loan them some of yours. Make them wait while you search for ten minutes, then say: “Oops! Sorry! I guess I don't have any money after all.”

25. When you see them in the hall, keep stepping in front of them so they can't pass you.

26. Draw weird creatures or cutesy stuff on their binders, folders, or book covers.

27. Don't invite them to your birthday party.

28. Forget their birthday.

29. Forget what she gave you for your birthday and re-gift it to her on her birthday.

30. Tell them that the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus do not exist.

31. Tell them the Tooth Fairy gives you $20 a tooth when you know they only get $1.00.

32. Pull pranks on them on April Fools' Day.

33. Decide you're too old for trick-or-treating before they are.

34. If they call you when you're busy, say you'll call them right back. Then forget.

35. Give them the silent treatment.

36. Repeat everything they say.

37. Repeat everything they say.

38. Use chat-speak (LOL, OMG, BFF, etc.) in everyday conversation.

39. Send them chain letters. (Extra points if the chain letter promises them ten years of bad luck if they break the chain.)

40. Don't tell them when you're angry with them.

41. If they ask you what you're angry about, say: “I shouldn't have to tell you!”

42. Use sarcasm. Always.

43. Interrupt them when they're trying to talk.

44. Leave weird messages on their answering machine or voicemail.

45. Blurt out the punch line to a joke they're telling.

46. If they pass notes to you in class, don't write back.

47. When you're on vacation, don't send them postcards.

48. Run off as soon as they start talking about their problems.

49. Run off as soon as they ask you about your problems.

50. Keep pushing them to talk about their problems even when they've said “I don't want to talk about it!”

51. Imitate them.

52. Do bad imitations of them.

53. Click SEND on their e-mails before they're ready to send them.

54. Pick them last to be on your team. Sigh heavily and say: “I guess I choose ________.” Extra points if you act like you're doing them a huge favor.

55. Don't pick them to be on your team.

56. When they're getting ready to kick, hit, throw, bat, catch, or spike a ball, shout: “Don't mess up!”

57. Show up late. Everywhere. For everything.

58. Promise to do something with them or go somewhere with them. Then forget.

59. Always bring your annoying little brother or sister along.

60. Ride so fast on your bike that you make them eat your dust.

61. When they ask what you want to do, say: “I don't know. What do YOU want to do?” When they respond, “I don't know, what do YOU want to do?” repeat the same thing back to them.

62. Never let them play the games they want to play or watch the TV shows they want to watch.

63. Get scared in the middle of a scary movie at the theater and say you have to go home. NOW.

64. Pretend to come over to hang out with them when you're really only spying on their cute older sibling.

65. Pay more attention to their cat or dog than you do to them.

66. Pay more attention to their parents than you do to them.

67. Never invite them over to your house.

68. When they spend the night, make them sleep on the floor.

69. During a sleepover, fall asleep early when you know they like to stay up late.

70. During a sleepover, wake them up early even if you know they like to sleep in late. Extra points if you poke them or put the dog/cat on their head.

71. Read their diary or journal without their permission.

72. Share what you read in their diary or journal with your other friends. Or their parents.

73. When you're going someplace in the car together, open your window and let the freezing and/or stifling hot air come in.

74. Listen to your iPod instead of to them.

75. Sing aloud to a song playing on your iPod. Extra points if you sing off-key.

76. Follow them around and narrate everything they're doing.

77. Laugh at everything they say.

78. Tell them how much fun you had when hanging out with someone they dislike.

79. When there are three of you hanging out together, make sure two of you gang up on the other one.

80. Tease them about their latest secret crush.

81. Get a crush on their mother or father.

82. Blab to everyone you know who their secret crush is.

83. Blab to their secret crush that your friend has a secret crush on them.

84. Spend more time writing notes to your One True Love than you do with your best friend.

85. Yak on and on and on about your crush and how cute he is, how wonderful he is, how fun he is, until your friend is ready to barf.

86. Race off somewhere as soon as they start yakking about their crush.

87. Sing: “(name) and (name), sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in the baby carriage!”

88. If you have braces, slurp your food really loud to get it unstuck.

89. Eat crunchy snacks when they're trying to concentrate.

90. Burp in their ear. Loudly.

91. When you're hanging out together for a whole day, get hungry when they're full and tell them you're full when they're hungry.

92. Beg them for part of their lunch. If they say no, whimper and give them the “puppy eye.”

93. Smell their hair.

94. Give them stupid nicknames.

95. Name their furniture.

96. Sing the “Oscar Meyer Wiener” song, the “Meow Mix” song, or other songs they despise.

97. Make jokes about people who still sleep with stuffed animals or “blankies,” completely forgetting that they still do too.

98. Squeal in a loud, glass-shattering way whenever you're excited about something

99. Move away. One point if it's to a new neighborhood; ten points if it's out of state.

100. Do everything on this list—on purpose!

101. Do everything on this list—TWICE.

(Note: Italicized words are part of the Hawaiian language)

 

ADA
(AH-dah): Other

ALOHA
(Ah-LOW-ha): Hello, good-bye. It can also mean love and affection. See * on page 281

ALOHA
'
OE
:
(Ah-LOW-ha oh-EE): Greetings, farewell

ALI'I
(ah-LEE-ee): Hawaiian royalty

AUNTIE
(also spelled Aunty): Aunt

BO-DA-DEM:
Both of them

BODDAH YOU?
(usually: “Why, boddah you?”): Does this bother you? You got a problem with it?

BUGGAH:
a guy

BUMMAHS:
Bummer! What a drag, that's too bad

BRAH:
A good friend, buddy, pal

BRADDAH
(also spelled bruddah): Brother, dude

BROK DA MOUT
: Broke the mouth; incredibly delicious

BUSS UP
(usually “All buss up”): Broken, busted up, destroyed

CHANCE 'UM
: Take a chance, go for it

CHICKEN SKIN
: Goose bumps

COCKAROACH:
To steal

CRASH:
Fall asleep

DA:
The

DA CUTE
(usually “Ho, da cute!”): Precious, just sooooooo cute!

DA HAPS
: What's up? What's happening?

DA KINE
: Similar to the word
watchamcallit
, although it can mean just about anything! Da kine can be a person, place, thing, verb, adjective, adverb, or even a phrase. The speaker and the listener, however, usually understand what is being referred to.

DAT:
That

DEM:
Them

DEN:
Then

DEY:
They

DIS:
This

DOZEE:
Those

'EM:
Them

FO' REALS?
: Really? Is that so? Are you kidding me?

GEEVUM:
Give it. Can also mean “go for it!”

GRIND:
To eat

GRINDS:
Food

HALE
(HAH-leh): House, home

HANABADDAH
(HAH-nah-BAH-dah): Runny nose

HANG LOOSE
: Take it easy

HAOLE
(hah-OW-leh): A caucasian

HO!:
An exclamation used at the start of a comment about something important

HOWZIT:
How are you? What's going on? What's new?

HULI HULI
(HOO-lee, HOO-lee): Barbecue

JUNIOR
(JOON-yah): Nickname for one's son or a younger boy

KEIKI
(KAY-kee): Kid, child, children

KINE:
Kind of, sort of

KOA
(KOH-ah): Courage, guts

KU'UIPO
(koo-OO-EE-poh): My sweetheart

LICKENS:
A spanking

LIKE, LIKE FO'
: want to, would like to

LIKE BEEF?
: Do you want to fight me?

LOLO:
Crazy, loopy, looney, absent-minded

MAHALO
(mah-HA-low): Thank you

MENEHUNE
(meh-neh-HOO-neh): The legendary little people of Hawaii

MO BETTAH
: More better, it would be better if

MOKE
(rhymes with Coke): A tough local guy, a lumbering bully

NO LIKE
: Don't want to

NUFF ALREADY
: That's enough!

OKOLE
(oh-KOH-leh): Butt

ONO
(OH-no): Delicious, tasty, yummy

NO CAN
: I can't; it's impossible

PAU
(pow): Done, finished

PILIKIA
(pee-lee-KEE-yah): Trouble, problem

RAT BITE
: A bad haircut

SHAKA:
All right, cool (The word is usually accompanied with a hand gesture where the thumb and pinky finger are extended while the three middle fingers are curled. Sometimes the hand is wiggled back and forth for emphasis. Other meanings include: hang loose, hello, good-bye, take care, etc.)

SMALL KID TIME
: When I was little; during childhood

SISTAH:
Sister; a friend who is also a girl or woman

STAY:
Am, are, is

STINK EYE
: Mean or dirty look

SUPA:
Super

TALK STINK
: Talking badly about someone

TALK STORY
: Chat, yak, talk, gossip, shoot the breeze

TING(S):
Thing, things

WAHINE
(wah-HEE-nay): female, girl, woman

WASS UP?
: What's up? What happened? What did you do? What are you doing?

WAT'S DA SCOOPS?
: What's happening, what's up, what's going on?

WEN:
Past tense of whatever comes after it. For example; “I wen go” means “I went”

WIT:
With

WOT:
What

WIKIWIKI
(WEE-kee-WEE-kee; usually “Make wikiwiki” or “wikiwiki time”): Fast, speedy, quick

“And wherever [the native Hawaiian] went he said ‘Aloha' in meeting or in parting. ‘Aloha' was a recognition of life in another. If there was life there was mana, goodness and wisdom, and if there was goodness and wisdom, there was a god-quality. One had to recognize the ‘god of life' in another before saying ‘Aloha,' but this was easy. Life was everywhere—in the trees, the flowers, the ocean, the fish, the birds, the pili grass, the rainbow, the rock—in all the world was life—was god—was Aloha. Aloha in its gaiety, joy, happiness, abundance. Because of Aloha, one gave without thought of return; because of Aloha, one had mana. Aloha had its own mana. It never left the giver but flowed freely and continuously between giver and receiver. ‘Aloha' could not be thoughtlessly or indiscriminately spoken, for it carried its own power. No Hawaiian could greet another with ‘Aloha' unless he felt it in his own heart. If he felt anger or hate in his heart he had to cleanse himself before he said ‘Aloha.'”