1 The Reluctant Dick - The Case of the Not-So-Fair Trader (39 page)

“Christina, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, especially in the ways of love, but not only does your partner not have true feelings for you, she’s the one who ripped you off
;
and probably worst of all, she’s not even a lesbian.”

“I’m as gay as a three-dollar bill
,
and I love this woman.”

“Oh, come on, you couldn’t even get a rise out of Tiffany.”

Tiffany says, “He’s right, you didn’t even blip on my gaydar screen.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Lizzy pleads to Christina
.
“We’ve been together too long for you to doubt my love.”

“You cleaned her out and cleaned her out good.”

Lizzy comes to her feet, “You are out of your mind.”

“Jonas, would you be so kind as to bring in the reunion’s first special guest?”

Peter Patrolman allows the Chicago detective to leave the room. In his absence, the entire room watches Christina’s
face crinkle with confusion and anger
.

Jonas returns with Augie Rinaldi.

“Christina, meet Augie, Lizzy’s lover and partner in crime. The two go way back.”

“I’ve never seen this man before in my life,” Lizzy screams out as Jonas handcuffs Augie to an empty chair at the table.

“Mister Rinaldi probably won’t speak today
. H
e’s too smart for that, seeing he’s been in this spot before. But don’t he and Lizzy make a nice couple?”

Steve passes out copies of the Boston mug shots of the two when they were busted a few years back.

“Lizzy, I think you’ve really done wonders with your hair since this picture was taken.”

“How could you?” Christina cries.

“Never give your password to anyone, Christina,” I offer my advice. “Some things in life you should keep to yourself.”

“What did I tell you?” Doris says
,
throwing in her two cents worth.

Christina wipes away tears.

“I’m going to give you a little time, Christina. I’m sure it is a lot to deal with all of a sudden.” I pause to clear my throat, “Let’s get back to Alvin and his little chipmunks.”

I take a sip of the punch Tiffany brought to the party, a little sugary for my tastes. “It’s a Saturday afternoon at the Augustus mansion in Kenilworth
.
Alvin is in his den, probably counting his money. A shot rings out. The bullet crashes through a leaded-glass window, missing Alvin by a mile and lodg
ing
in a bookcase.

“The instant Alvin hits the deck, he has figured out that someone is onto him. Interestingly, he never calls the police. The last thing he needs is to have cops snooping around his recent activities. Alvin deduces it must be a family member
. W
ho else could it be? And, being the cheap, cunning, and heartless bastard that he is, he hightails it down to Richmond Insurance to add a rider to his life insurance policy, makes Conway Waddy the witness, but refuses to divulge what’s in the rider. Alvin is pissed
;
and no matter if he lives or dies, he’s determined to take every cent he has with him and screw everyone else. And they say you can’t take it with you.”

Norbert burps after finishing his cake.

“I know you people are sitting
here saying you’ve never heard so much conjecture, and I will admit I don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle filled in. Like, why did the hit man miss?

“Joan, would you like to fill the rest of the people in, here?”

“I never hired any such man
. Y
ou’re just making this all up as you go along.”

“Joan makes a five-grand deal, standard fee around town, to bop Alvin, but on the day of the dance, she decides to cut the price in half.” I lean over the woman. “What did you expect the guy to do, Joan, kill half of Alvin?”

Clayton pushes me aside. “I told you to leave my mother alone.”

“I wish I could, Clayton; but it was you who couldn’t come up with the whole five grand, not your mother. Because it was your cash that paid him, you only have yourself to blame. Come on, you should have known better than to welch on a hit man
. H
e could come back and shoot you for not paying.”

Clayton avoids the stares of the others at the table. “You’re nuts, Sherlock.”

“Or Joan needed some extra cash and pocketed half, figuring the hit man would work for whatever. It really doesn’t matter now,” I say.

Conway Waddy has sat through the show, merely scratching his belly and fiddling with his suspender straps. I face the fat man.

“Conway watches the rider being signed and knows something big is up. He asks Alvin, but Alvin won’t tell. He pleads with him, but Alvin won’t budge. Conway decides not to keep this all close
-
to
-
his
-
vest
;
but figures Alvin’s life must be hanging by a thread to go through all this rigamarole. The last thing Conway wants is to miss out on a piece of the estate Alvin will be leaving. Ma
ke sense, m
ister
c
ounselor?”

Conway smiles, plays with the end of his tie. “Absurd,” he says.

“Conway goes back to his office and prepares a bill for thousands of dollars of fees to be sent to Alvin, dated the day before his assumed demise. Lawyer Waddy, being the executor o
f
the will, will administer the payouts, no doubt paying himself first. It’s a foolproof plan, almost.”

“You can’t prove any of this ridiculousness,” Conway says.

Steve Burrell waves an invoice for all to see. “Ah, over here. Your invoice.”

“That’s no proof,” Conway is adamant. “You could have written that up yourself.”

I take a short pause to give time for some of this to sink in. “If only the hit man would have whacked Alvin, it would have all been so much easier, because the entire situation changed when the bullets missed.

“Alvin lies low, doesn’t go home anymore, either staying in his condo or taking a room at the Hilton. The only person he talks to business-wise is Joey Villano, the trader he employed. Daddy’s disappeared from your view. And you people can’t find him.

“Time is of the essence. Something has to be done and done quickly. Cell phone lines are burning up
,
as all of you chat each other up. In criminal endeavors this is seldom a good thing, but none of you would have known that except for Augie and Lizzy, who have much more experience in these matters.

“The problem is simple.
If any of you are going to see a dime from husband or daddy, he better get dead before he leaves the country for good. Six heads
become one
to solve the dilemma.”

I take another sip of punch. “I admit you people really had me going in this case. I didn’t know if it was six o’clock or Wednesday half the time. I’d go from one of you to the next, try
ing
to connect the dots, and fail each time. It wasn’t until my daughter suggested I try figuring out who didn’t do it, instead of who did, that I began to see it was a family project in the truest sense of the word.”

Norbert and Steve smile at me, as if to say they knew I’d get it sooner or later.

I continue. “And while all of you are talking, discussing, plotting and planning, Alvin’s wasting no time. He’s got Joey Villano working overtime, cash is being transferred out of NIVLA into foreign banks and, as Heffelfinger discovers, Alvin pulls four-hundred large, in cash, out of his secondary account at Northern Trust.

“The red flags are flying high. The clock is ticking.” I look across the table to see every eye upon me, in fear, in amazement and in awe. I decide it is time for a break in the action. “Before I go on,” I say, “I’d like to bring in the last family guest of the reunion.”

Jonas exits the room and returns with a fifty-something woman who has a striking resemblance to one of the people at the table.

“Christina, I know this has been a difficult day thus far, but maybe seeing your mom for the first time in years will help brighten it a bit. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to us all the way from Boston, Mass., meet Alvin’s first wife, Didi.”

Christina’s eyes almost drop out of her head, “Mother?”

The woman comes in, escorted by Jonas to the chair next to Augie. She seems confused to see him, but says, “Hello, Christina.”

“Didi has come all the way from Boston to finally get what she believes is coming to her.”

I motion to Didi, as if to say welcome to the family, then start up again. “If you think you got hosed in your divorce, Joan, Didi here, got absolutely screwed. She never got a dime. Alvin skated from alimony, claimed he was broke
,
and must have hid every asset, because all he had to pay was a lousy child support amount. I don’t blame you for being angry, Didi
,
and I applaud you on your persistence in never giving up
;
but using your estranged daughter to steer your ship, that was a little much.

“Didi lives in South Boston and had a neighbor named Lizzy, each has survived over the years by their wits. Didi comes up with a plan for Lizzy to move to Chicago, meet her lesbian daughter, gain her confidence, and clean her out of her cash. Didi figures little Christina will merely go back to dad and get more money, so nobody is really hurt in the plan.”

I see a change in Didi’s mood.

Christina is stunned at the news
;
but Tiffany seems to be the most shocked in the room
. S
he didn’t see this one coming.

“I’m not sure of the technology used
;
but once Lizzy moves in, she pokes around and sees a much bigger reward than Christina’s lousy couple-hundred-grand trust fund. She sets off to get a piece of the bigger, better
,
Alvin
-
pie. To do so, she brings in her old budd
y
, Augie Rinaldi, who you’ve already had the pleasure of meeting, to help in the criminal endeavor
,
and satisfy, shall we say, her basic human needs.”

I stop at Christina’s side. “I know this is all tough to take, but hang in there, okay?”

Lizzy speaks up. “I had nothing to do with this and want to go home now.”

Norbert uses his considerable bulk to sit her back down in her chair. “Have a piece of cake,” he suggests.

“Lizzy begins making family inroads. Doris hates her, which means Brewster hates her. She’s kept out of the family loop. But Lizzy is smart, and when she sees the opening, she’s ready to jump in with both feet. And so is another person, but I’ll get to her, later.”

“I told you Lizzy was the one who did it
,
didn’t I?” Clayton reminds us of our non-lunch
,
lunch conversation.

“Kinda,” I tell Clayton, “but not really.”

“This is like the plot of a bad TV movie,” Brewster says, visibly upset.

Tiffany walks across the room to a small refrigerator, pulls out a beer, and hands it to Brewster. “Here, this might make the reunion a little more fun.” Then she pulls the beer away from him, “But everyone has to promise not to say anything to Brewster’s AA people if they ask if he’s cheating.”

Brewster takes the beer out of her hand.

“Now, what do you people decide to do?” I wait for an answer from my peanut gallery, but no one speaks up. “You decide to throw a party.”

“Whee,” Tiffany says.

“But you can’t locate the honored guest.” I pace over and stand between the two escorts. “Brewster’s girlfriend, Diane, comes to the rescue.” I pause to say to Doris, “You could have done a better job of teaching him about picking girlfriends.”

Doris’ head rivets to her son. “What is he talking about?”

Brewster shrugs innocence.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t date professional women, Brewster, just women in her profession.”

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Diane argues.

“Diane can easily find Alvin. She merely waits for him to get horny and call Alexis, who has been Alvin’s number-one hump for months
,
and doing him without the knowledge of her bo
ss at the escort service. Diane
, who has put up with Brewster long enough
,
and is anxious to finally get her share of Alvin’s pot of gold, becomes the party planner.”

“The only thing I did was have sex with him,” Alexis says. “Can’t bust me for that.”

“Well, we could, but with everything else going on, it might seem a bit silly.” I say and turn back to the group. “I’m sure it was to Alvin’s great surprise when everyone shows up at his condo, his secret home away from his wife.

“D
iane
knows how to throw a party
. S
he’s got b
ooze, weed, cocaine, and Alexis
-all designed to wear Alvin down to a state of unconsciousness. Alvin drinks, smokes, and snorts
;
but the old man has a constitution worthy of a modern-day Rasputin. He won’t drop. Finally, in desperation, D
iane
dopes Alvin’s drink with a shot of Rohypnol and Alexis screws him into hibernation. Nothing is ever easy in love, war,
or
crime, but finally, it is time to proceed with the plan.”