1 Shore Excursion (13 page)

“How did they
manage
that, Jay, with Ruth and
everything
?” I said.
“I
know Empress swings a big stick here, but I
thought we would be hours clearing, if we were cleared at all
.
I
am amazed that Norwegian cops aren’t
swarming all over this ship
.

“Well, I hate to have to
be the one to
tell you this, Sidney, because I know you’re going to yell.
The purser called our cabin while I was shaving.
Y
ou
had already left
.
Sid, t
hey are li
s
ting Ruth’s death as a suicide.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Like, the words didn’t compute.

“Jay, we
know
that’s not true.
We were
there
.
We
saw
her.”

“
T
he room steward got there first
ahead of us,
remember
?
He was first on the scene so his story is golden.
T
hey’ve already cleaned up her cabin, and
now
he swears it was suicide
.
A
nd Dr. Sledge is backing him up, so I guess what we saw or know or say
or think
just doesn’t matter.
I told
the Empress Line brass
what we saw, and they said we must have been mistaken
,
that
our mistake was understandable
because of the shock.”

“What about the police, Jay? The
police
didn’t want to talk to us?”

“
I asked if we would be speaking with the police and t
he answer was emphatically no.
‘Absolutely unnecessary,’
the purser s
aid
, ‘the case is closed
.
’
We were also offered a free upgrade to a suite with a balcony because of our
‘
distress
,
’ Sidney
...
an offer
that, you will be happy to know, I declined.
I’m thinking of asking if it’s still good, though.
I don’t have much moral fiber.”

Well
,
that does it, Jay.
We’ve got to get through to Itchy, just as soon as we go ashore, before the bus gets here for the shore excursion.
Something has to be done,
and
t
his thing is way too big for us now.
We have to have help.”

Because of the time difference, calling meant waking up New York.
Calling from the pay phone on the pier,
I
used the agency calling card and
reached our manager
Diana at home after ten rings.
She was not pleased.

“We are
fully
aware of the Shadrach situation, Sidney, not because either you or Jay
bothered
to
inform
us, but because of a courtesy call
I received yesterday
afternoon from Captain Vargos of Empress Cruise Line.”
The sleep in Diana’s voice had changed to ice.
He wanted to offer his condolences and reassure us of his personal distress regarding Miss Shadrach’s suicide
. H
e was shocked,
shocked
to learn
that our
very
own agents had not contacted us
immediately
with the news.”

“But Diana,
they told us the phone
service was
do
wn,
email, too,
and
you are not listening.
Please, Diana, please listen.
We know she didn’t kill herself.
She was
murdered
,
Diana.
She didn’t
...
we tried ...”

“We will speak about this when you return to New York, Sidney.
In the meantime, just try to do your job
. I
f any
one else kills themselves
, I would
appreciate
a phone call immediately.
Immediately
.
Do I make myself perfectly clear?”
With a sharp click, the phone went dead.

Yeah, Diana. You sure do. Crystal
.

A lot of other things were becoming
clear, too.

We assembled the High Steppers in the Starlight Lounge and gave them each a color-coded sticker for the
ir
shore excursions.
Some were going to the Viking Museum, others to the Kon-Tiki, and some were just going ashore to walk around
, check out the Royal Palace,
or
shop.

“
Sidney
will be escorting the red group to the Kon-Tiki
and the Vigeland Sculpture Park,
and I will go with the blue group, you lucky
people
, t
o the
Viking ships and the Hadeland Glassworks.
If you get lost, just watch for my
hat!”

Jay jammed one of those plastic Viking h
elmet
s with the horns on top of his wild red hair.
He really looked a lot like a Viking.
A mad one,
of course.

“Now girls, those of you who are shopping on your own will need to remember to be back on board no later than 5:
30
,” he continued. “
Remember now, my angels
, the ship sails at
6
:
0
0, and it’s a long way to
Copenhagen
.
If you miss the sailing,
I hope you are good swimmers,
’
cause you’ll have to get to the next port on your own
.
Okay, Blue Group,
you’re Vikings now, and
we’re off to
ravish and pillage
.
Follow me!”

Jay’s blue group filed out, giggling
, loving his craz
iness
, most wearing fanny packs and
gleaming white tennis shoes
.
Angelo Petrone
stepped out of line to
pull me aside.
“I heard you paging
Al Bostick
, Sidney,
and I wanted to tell ya that I seen him about midnight
last night
with one of them
Brazilian dancers
from the cabaret. Man o
h
man!
They was ahead of me in the hall headed to Bostick’s cabin and believe you me, they was feeling no pain.
I ain’t seen Al
this morning, but if you’re waiting on him, I think you had better fuge
t
aboutit.
He ain’t going on no bus trip, with no High Steppers, you know what I mean?”

I drew a line through
Al
’s name on my clipboard.

“Okay, Red Group, are we ready for the Kon-Tiki?”

T
he shore excursion bus rounded the
corner
and rolled to a stop near the Grand Café.

I tapped on the microphone.
“Well, High Steppers, this was a terrific day, wasn’t it?
Please join me in a round of applause thanking Helga, our wonderful local guide
,
for all those fantastic stories about the history and legends of Norway.
I learned a lot, and I know you did
,
too!
Now, please, a big round of applause for Helga and for Olaf, our driver
.
”

Scattered applause reflected both the weariness of the group and their dissatisfaction with the step-on guide and the local tour people.
Big tips for Helga and Olaf would not be forth-coming, I thought, nor would they be deserved.

Olaf’s sullenness was exceeded only by Helga’s
inept performance of her duties.
Not only
ha
d she manage
d
to make Thor Heyerdahl’s epic adventure seem boring, she also lost members of the group all along the way as people bailed out of the over-priced tour to return to the ship on their own.

Tour directors and the ship’s shore excursion teams
on big ships
often
find themselves
at the mercy of the local tour agents.
It is impractical for the line to operate their own tours with
so
many ports and passengers, all with varied interests. So they vet and hire local tour companies to arrange and conduct them.
Most of t
he tours
arranged by the local agents
and offered as shore excursions by the ship are
good, but
occasionally
they are not.
Checking out the online reviews of previous passengers on the cruise line website
before you book is always a good idea. It
helps
a lot in making
a more informed choice as to which tours you would enjoy and w
hich you
might
not.
The price of the excursion, times and duration and level of difficulty are also
provided
, along with notations about the inclusion of meals and shopping stops.

It’s fine for passengers to book onshore tours
or arrange local guides or taxi tours
independently of the cruise lin
e
if they wish
. B
ut
if you do so,
you
should remember that you
are on your own if something happens
that causes you to be late in returning
to the ship
. If you are
delayed
with a tour booked with the cruise line, they will hold the ship’s sailin
g until the shore excursion bus
returns. If you are late and
touring
on your own,
the ship will sail without you.

Private or custom tours can be booked by the ship’s concierge desk,
arranged
yourself via the
Internet
or telephone with a local vendor
in advance
of your cruise, or
onshore
with a local agent
upon arrival into a port
. If you hire a taxi tour, be sure to agree on the price before setting off.
In a small or limited port
,
tours and vendors may
fill
up
,
so
advance booking is best, and you should always
make sure that the
agency or outfitter
is reputable and
comes with a reliable recommendation.

“Sidney
, is this a shopping stop?”
Sylvia Klein wanted to know.

“Yes, indeed, Sylvia, it is.
In Jorgensen’s, just down the street, they sell the most incredible Norwegian sweaters and ski caps
.
It is one of the recommended shops
that Michael, our
cruise director
, described in his
shopping talk.
I
f you mention your ship and cabin number
in Jorgensen’s
, you will definitely get a discount
. Y
ou might
even
win a prize!
”

I checked my watch.

“We will have forty-five minutes here before returning to the pier, High Steppers, so just have a look around or maybe enjoy a coffee and meet us back here promptly at
five o’clock
.
Please remember to take your port maps with you, and if you forgot to bring yours, I have some extras
here in my bag
.
Our bus, number 216, will be parked right here, and I will be just over there, at the Grand Café, waiting for you.
You may
also
return to the ship on your own if you wish, but please
let me know if you are doing that, and
remember that t
he ship sails at
six
. We
must
all
be back on board no later than
five-thirty
.
Now, are there any questions?”

Hands went up.

“What time does the ship sail?” said Sylvia Klein.

“What time do we have to be back on board?” said Marjorie Levy.

“What was that bus number again?” said Maria Petrone.

“Where is the john?” said Pete Murphy.

I was sipping espresso at a corner table in the Grand Café imagining myself as one of Ibsen’s Bohemians when the Viking helmet appeared on the horizon.

Jay’s group dispersed and within minutes he plopped down at my table and ordered a Hansa beer.

“I would have made a good Viking,
” he said, leaning back in his chair, stretching those long legs.

“Oh, really? What makes you say that?”

“
Well, s
ee how
great
I look
in
this hat?
Just
like a Viking. The only problem is that t
hose
old
Vikings spent all t
heir time riding around in their
dragon boats raping and pillaging. I don’t think I would do all
that
, but m
aybe I could
have
just chop
ped
off
a few
heads with one of those cool axes
or something
.”

His beer arrived. He paid the waiter and savored his first sip.

“Ah, that’s good,” he said, leaning back again. “
Speaking of chopping off heads,
Sidney
—
did you get Diana on the phone?
In all the confusion this morning I couldn’t ask.”

“Yeah.
I got her.
But not before the captain did.
She totally believes him and the suicide story and everything, and from the way she w
as talking, we
’ll
have plenty of ex
plaining to do when we get back ... if she’ll even listen, which I doubt.
I
got my head chopped off, all right
.
I
’d say we are pretty much toast.”

“What did I tell you, Sidney?
What did I tell you?
Th
at
woman is
horrible
. And we might as well cave in about Ruth because no one wants to believe any
thing else anyway, n
ot even the High Steppers.
Especially not the High Steppers. I don’t think you’ve noticed, Sidney, but the High Steppers aren’t exactly grief-stricken about Ruth.
The old girls are used to their pals cashing in their chips.
Happens all the time
, like Hannah said.
It makes them sad, but as long as it’s not them, no one wants to ruin their vacation, now, do they?”

“No, Jay, but we o
we something to Ruth, you and I
, no matter how anyone else feels.
She was our responsibility. And besides, what about the killer?
Aren’t you worried?
We can’t cave in.
Somebody really bad is roaming around loose on that big ship.”

“I know that, Sidney.
I am well aware of that, my little conscience.
Just be sure that you are.”

And with that, he drained his beer, jammed on his helmet, and strode off toward his bus, gathering his flock as he went,
charming them all and
leaving me to do all the worrying by myself, as usual.

Don’t tell the High Steppers, but Oslo is not my favorite city.

Granted,
seeing real, actual
Viking
ships is
beyond
cool
and the museum that houses them is unique and interesting
even to people who are not into history
.
And
the Kon Tiki is
totally
amazing
—
when you think about
Thor Heyerdahl
heading out across the
vast
Pacific Ocean
bound for
Polynesia
riding a bunch of lashed-together balsa logs
.
I
am
fascinated by his books,
Kon-Tiki
and the
even more interesting sequel
,
Aku
-Aku
.
The city
of Oslo
itself is visually
pleasing and
well
laid out
.
O
ther than
that, in my humble opinion, Oslo
is
a snooze.

The main
thing
Oslo
has going for it, I think, is that it’s not Helsinki, where after a
gander at the big shipyards and a
whirl around the Sibelius monument you can have a high old time sipping on cloudberry
liqueur
and munching on a little reindeer pâté.
Maybe I’m wrong.
There’s
a good chance that my impressions of both cities have been unfairly prejudiced by the company I keep.

I
instinctively
prefer the magnificent scenery
of those countries
—
the mountains and the fjords
—
to
the
ir
cities. Oslo and Helsinki are both
kept
clean
and neat and have some very impressive
public buildings.
I shouldn’t make a judgment
,
I guess,
after three admittedly brief visits. I know I
must be
missing something
, because both have many
fans.
Perhaps
I
just
nee
d
a better tour guide
.

A
fter all,
one of the reasons
I love
travel
is that I
find
something
interesting
wherever I go
. I
just
feel more kinship
with
some places than
with
others.

S
o
I had no
regret
s as
I stood by the
aft
rail watching the lights of
the most famous city in
Norway fade into the mist.
It wasn’t quite dark, though the early dinner seating was well under
way, just that
eerie
twilight that passes for evening in Scandinavia in the summer.

Maybe I always come in the wrong season
.
I should
return
alone
for a long visit
in
deep
winter
. I could
watch the magic of the Northern Lights,
cook
myself in a hot tub,
allow
someone
to
beat
me
with birch branches
,
and then jump naked into a snow bank.

Right.
I guess I’m just not the fjord type.
I prefer
summertime,
hot, steamy Southern nights,
Jack in the
B
lack,
smoky barbe
c
ued ribs washed
down with
sweet
lemon
iced tea
,
and red-clay hills covered in kudzu.