1 Dewitched (2 page)

“Satisfaction guaranteed or I’ll refund your money one hundred percent,” promised the sorcerer who sold me the potion. “One bite and Snow White will be asleep forever.” Frightening simplicity! And there’s nothing those damn dwarfs can do.

***

 I can practically make the trek to the Seven Dwarfs’ cottage blindfolded. That’s not to say I enjoy it. In fact, I hate it. First, I have to row a boat across my moat to get to land and endure an hour of sunshine on my flawless, vanilla skin. Then I have to trudge through a dark forest with its monstrous trees and wild beasts and risk my life. Or worse, scratch my face. Let’s put it this way: I’m not exactly what you’d call the outdoorsy type. And I despise the sun.

Thank goodness, this trip will be my last. Near the edge of the forest, their so-cute-I-could-puke cottage comes into view. Holding the basket of apples in one hand, I crouch down behind a tree and impatiently wait for the dwarfs to leave. After twenty or so time-wasting minutes, the bearded mini-men file out, carrying their work tools. Snow White plants a kiss on each of them. It’ll be their last.

The tiniest one of the bunch is the last to exit. I count them again to play it safe. Seven for sure. In a perfect line, they march toward the mountains that lie behind their house. In no time, they disappear.
Hi ho. Hi ho.
It’s showtime!

 I spring to my feet, my target in sight, when a loud hissing sound stops me in my tracks. My eyes shift left and right, then up. My heart jumps. Dangling from a branch right above me is a monstrous green and yellow snake. With its jaws wide open, it coils toward me. I’m paralyzed with fear. I don’t know what I dread more--its venom or the fang marks it will leave behind. I hold my breath as its black forked tongue flicks my cheek. That does it. I grab an apple and hurl it at the serpent. Without looking back, I run. 

My relief is short-lived. A terrifying thought flashes into my head. Oh no! What if it was the poison apple I threw? I glance down at my basket and relax. It’s still there. Better yet, I’m still here. Nothing is going to screw up my perfect plan.
Nothing!
 

As I near the cottage, I spy an open window. Switching into hag mode, I hobble up to it and pop my head inside. Snow White’s in the kitchen, singing (ugh!) as she scrubs a long wooden table. Always the perfect little homemaker. Not for long. Miss Tidy Whitey’s cleaning days will soon be over.

“Hello, dearie,” I call out in my finest hag voice. “I’ve got some delicious apples for sale.”

Startled, Snow White whirls around. Her face, drop-dead gorgeous as ever, nauseates me.

“I’m not allowed to talk to strangers anymore,” she says in her sickening sweet voice.

“But I’m just a poor old woman trying to make ends meet. And these apples will make a delicious apple pie.” I hold up my special apple. “You must try one.”

“What if it’s poisonous?”

She’s smartened up. No worries. I’ll show her how good it tastes. With a loud crunch, I bite into the apple. “See. I’m good as new. Now, you try it.”

Hesitantly, Snow White strolls up to the window and takes the apple. She beholds the shiny fruit in her hand. Why is she stalling?
Just take a bite. Come on. Do it
already.
My heart pounds in anticipation. 

At last, she raises the apple toward her face. It’s like a slow motion dream. Her lips part. Her mouth opens. Finally, her teeth sink into the other side of my juicy red apple.
Crunch.
What a lovely sound! Her big brown eyes roll back into her head, and she collapses to the stone floor in a crumpled heap. I smile wickedly.

Eternal sleep! At last!

Victory surges inside me. I’m tingling with excitement. I can’t wait to get back to my castle to ask my magic mirror one simple little question…

And with Snow White out of the picture, this time for good, there can only be one simple little answer…

The sound of heavy footsteps interrupts my reverie. The front door bursts open. My heart skips a beat. It’s those damn dwarfs! What are they doing back so early?  

I’d better get out of here. Fast!

Too late. One of the runts has spotted me. “Stop her!” he yells, pointing his grubby little finger.

Having no choice, I dive through the window and make a mad dash for the mountains. The pint-sized twerps chase after me. I toss the basket of apples, hoping to trip them. I steal a look behind me. No luck. They’re picking up speed and getting closer. How the hell can they run so fast on those stumpy legs?

A sudden gust of wind fills my cape like a sail, making it impossible for me to move any faster. My hair whips across my face as I glance back one more time. The dwarfs are gaining on me. Calling upon every muscle in my body, I force myself forward.

An explosive clap of thunder startles me. I almost trip. As I regain my footing, the sky opens, and torrential rain starts pouring down. Dragonballs! The one day it had to rain in Lalaland.

The earth quickly becomes a mud bath. Drenched, I slip and slide across the treacherous ground with the pack of dwarfs still on my back. And then...a dead end. I’m smack against the mountains.

“Get her!” shouts one of the dwarfs. 

I gaze up at the jagged wall of rocks. I have no choice but to start climbing.

Gripping the wet, slippery rocks, I clamber up the steep terrain. The pouring rain is blinding me, and I have to keep dodging all manner of falling debris. The dwarfs are still right behind me and show no sign of slowing down. They must be part mountain goat. I, on the other hand, am panting like a dog. And my thighs are screaming they’re on fire. Once I get back to my castle, I swear I’m going to get out more and start an exercise regime. The Fairest is also going to become The Fittest.

The slope grows steeper and steeper. I’m practically on all fours. Ahead of me is a giant boulder. I scramble behind it. I can run no more. Not because I’m out of steam. I’ve reached the edge of the mountain. A cliff. There is no place to go but down. Far, far down.

I’m trapped! I peek around the boulder. The dwarfs are so close I can feel their breath on my face. Brainstorm! I’m going to flatten the runts. All seven of them at once! With all the strength I can muster, I push the massive rock. It won’t budge. I try again, this time using my entire body. Nothing. Not even an inch!

 Claps of thunder synchronize with my thudding heart. I’m about to give up when the sky sends a bolt of lightning directly at the dwarfs. What good luck! They’re going to fry. What bad luck! They leap back just in time to avoid their fiery demise. My face grows wide-eyed with horror as nature etches a deep jagged line across the surface of the rocky precipice.
Crack!
It’s breaking off. I’m going down! 

 Blood flees to the bottoms of my feet as I squeeze my eyes shut. Life is so unfair. I’m finally again
Fairest of All,
and I’m going to be a goner! An icy sting shoots up my legs, then zaps my body. Is this how death feels? Daring to open my eyes, I find myself under water. I’ve landed in a river! I hold my breath, but as I sink deeper, my lungs may burst. Death still awaits me. I finally hit rock bottom. Instantly, I catapult upward.

My head powers through the surface of the water. I’m alive! Desperate for air, I open my mouth wide, catching raindrops on my tongue. Victory is mine. It’s time to wave bye-bye to that pack of vertically challenged losers. I look up, but I might as well kiss my life goodbye. The boulder is toppling toward me at dizzying speed!

A bolt of raw energy surges through my veins. Kicking and stroking furiously, I battle the fierce current and swim away a split second before the boulder crashes into the water. I hold on to dear life as the waves of its aftermath thrash me around like an angry dragon’s tail.

The next thing I know I’m lying facedown on a hard, muddy surface. Land! The river must have washed me ashore. As I stagger to my feet, my eyes light up. Straight ahead of me is my majestic castle sitting high and mighty on its perch. I can practically hear my magic mirror welcoming me home.

Except there’s no way my mirror will recognize me. Soaked to the bone, I must look like a drowned witch. 

Not wasting a second, I rip off my stinking-wet hag rag and the nose. I toss everything into the river and let the current carry it away. It’s a good thing I threw on a backpack last minute with my don’t-leave-home-without-them necessities. It’s sopping wet, but otherwise intact. I tear it open, slip on my black velvet cloak, and apply my favorite red lipstick, charcoal brow liner, and creamy foundation with sun protection.

 The final touch: my gold crown. I cradle it in my hands and admire it. It’s worthy of only one legendary beauty--yours truly.

Mirror, mirror. Ready or not, here I come.
Suddenly, two bone-crushing hands grip my arms. I crank my head around and practically choke when I come face to face with my assailant. The Huntsman!

“You’re under arrest for murder!”

CHAPTER 2

Ha! They’ll never prove me guilty, I tell myself as spectators clamor into the courtroom where I’m being tried for Snow White’s murder. I bet every fairy-tale freak in the world is here. Giants. Gnomes. Ogres. Trolls. You name it. It’s a circus. And I’m the star.

 Chained to a wooden chair that’s bolted to the floor, I laugh silently as the freaks make a beeline for the best seats. Sitting here, at least, beats being holed up in that cold, mirrorless dungeon for a month. Reporters from the
Fairytale Tattler
are lined up, falling over each other to get a good look at me. I plaster a charming smile on my face. Trust me, I’m going to give them a great story. With a happy ending.

The judge, a big fat woman, with spiky hair the color of a blood orange and a small gold crown, strolls up to her bench like a queen to her throne. “Order in the Court!” she roars in a deep, husky voice. She pounds her gavel. The room shakes. Obviously, she’s got a big fat temper too.

She calls the first witness. The Huntsman. As he lumbers up to the stand, rage and regret consume me. I should have never trusted the spineless twit. I should have done him in when he brought me back some beast’s heart, pretending it was Snow White’s. I should have ripped out
his
heart. Yes, that’s what I should have done.

I cringe as he confesses everything…how I bribed him to take Snow White into the forest and kill her…threatened his life. So, it was boar’s heart he brought back. The wuss!

His forest green eyes stay riveted on me as a tear trickles down his thick dark beard. “I just couldn’t bring myself to harm that sweet, beautiful girl.”

Beautiful?
My blood curdles. I want to sink my teeth into him like a mad dog. 

The Huntsman faces the judge. “Your honor, Jane needs help.” His voice wavers. “Before she does more evil.”

How dare he call me by my first name! And how the hell does he know it?

The judge turns her jowly face toward me. I count her chins. Three!

“So what do you have to say for yourself?” she asks.

I quickly compose myself. Time for a little self-defense. Rising, I tell the court, in my calmest voice, that what The Huntsman said is all a bunch of lies. To get back at me for firing him. And with Snow White dead, he can’t prove a thing. “There’s not an evil bone in my body,” I add, almost with a laugh. 

Okay. I lied. I’m going to destroy this insolent traitor and those damn dwarfs as soon as soon as I’m free.

The judge looks back at The Huntsman and presses her heart-shaped lips into a hard, grim line. My heart hammers.

“Dismissed!” she thunders with a bang of her gavel.

Inwardly, I breathe a sigh of relief.

The Huntsman plods out of the courtroom, not once taking his eyes off me.

I sit back down. Score one for me.

“Next witness,” hollers the judge.

The Seven Dwarfs march into the court with a vengeance. They’re in their grungy work clothes. Good. That’s not going to help with their credibility. 

“Do you recognize this woman?” asks the judge.

Fourteen eyes lay rest on me.

My body doesn’t move a muscle. But inside my heart is racing.
Stay calm.
Just stay calm.

The dwarfs study my face, then shake their heads in unison.

“We’ve never seen her before,” says the one wearing spectacles.

Ha! I’m out of here. Not so fast. The dwarf at the end of the lineup bashfully comes forward. I hold my breath.

“The woman who poisoned our beloved Snow White was a witch, not a beauty.”

How sweet of him to say! I purse my lips and blow the runt a kiss. He blushes.

The tiniest one with the big ears opens his mouth, but the judge bangs her gavel before he can utter a word. 

“Dismissed!” she shouts, rolling her eyes with impatience.

The little suckers file out of the courtroom, and I sigh another deep breath of relief. Smart thing I tossed my disguise into that river. There’s no evidence to prove I killed Snow White. In no time, I’ll be free to go back to my castle and lay it on the line with my magic mirror. “Let’s get one thing straight, smart one.
I’m
the fairest one of all.”

The judge’s thunderous voice catapults me back to reality. “Will the last witness please step forward?”

My eyes flicker around the courtroom. Who the hell is she talking about? There
are
no other witnesses. Well, except for that snake which I’m sure won’t be slithering in here anytime soon.

There’s a loud, collective gasp as the witness enters the courtroom. My mouth drops to the floor. It can’t be! But it is!
Snow White!

Wearing the same puff-sleeve rag she’s always worn and that same revolting red velvet bow, she waltzes toward the stand.

My eyes fix on her face. Her lips are as red as blood, her hair as black as ebony, and her skin as white as snow. In fact, her skin is fairer than ever. Damn it! There’s nothing like a deep sleep to make your complexion glow. My body shakes with envy.

Facing the stunned courtroom, she tells the judge how the dwarfs kept her preserved in a glass coffin. The “sweeties” just couldn’t bear to part with her.