What is Love? (27 page)

“I feel you are in a
very
 …
shall I say, fragile
state. I wouldn’t want her upsetting you.”

“
Her
,
upsetting me?” Sam felt relieved and grinned at him. “Oh yes, I don’t want to
get upset, and she can be very upsetting. In fact, I wanted to hit the stupid
bitch when I saw her—”

His face tightened
with shock.

“I mean, I didn’t
really. I just wanted to. I saw her in the lobby, from far away, and I got so
mad, I thought I might do something drastic, but then I realized that would
hurt my chances for getting what I wanted. So I decided to leave.” Sam couldn’t
admit the real reason was the guards wouldn’t let her in—Jonathan’s stupid orders.
“But man, did I want to hurt her. It is so bizarre to see yourself …
”
Sam stopped talking. The expression on
his face advised her to shut up.

“Well, at any rate,”
he said, “I feel it best for you and your husband to avoid any contact with
this Miller woman. Nothing good would come of it.”

“Yes,” Sam agreed.
“He should stay away from her, too. You tell him that. You tell him I’ll try
and kill myself again if I found out he’s sneaking around with
her
behind my back.”

“You still feel the
urge to harm yourself? We’d better sit and discuss this.”

Sam laughed. “Come
on, only if he screws around on me. You just make sure he’s clear that she’s
off limits, no sex and no phone calls
 …
I’m fine. Really, I am.” Sam looked at him, unsure if he believed her.
She smiled and touched his arm. “I
am
Mrs. J. W. Horvath, after all.”

***

“But Jonathan, when
will I see you?” Ellen pleaded into the phone.

“Listen. I know it’s
hard,” he said. “I wish there were another way, I do. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” Her
chest tightened. “I was looking forward to spending time with you.”

Jonathan paused and
cleared his throat. “I know. This whole thing, it’s complicated. The
psychologist said I’m the reason for her suicide, that I need to be more
attentive or she may try it again. She’s very fragile now and anything might—I
can’t let that happen. And my kids, God, my kids, they think I’m a monster.”

“You aren’t. This
isn’t your fault, not entirely. You were seduced by a devil.”

“I was, wasn’t I?”
he laughed. “You little devil.”

“Me? Oh, yes. I
guess I am,” Ellen laughed for a moment and imagined Sam, now stuck in Ellen’s
life, frustrated and sad, deserving every rotten minute of it. “She won’t try
again, I’m sure of it. I mean, not now.”

“Well, in any case,
the first sixty days are the most crucial to get her back to normal. I already
feel so damn guilty
 …”
His voice
trailed, followed by a deep exhale. “I should have handled this differently.”

“You mean you should
have stayed?” Ellen asked.
If only you had
, she thought.
What could have
been, if only
 …?

“Hell no!” The force
of his laughter resonated into the phone. “No, I should have left years ago.”

She gasped at the
sharp hurtful words, and hesitated, biting her lip. “I thought you stayed all
those years because you loved her?”

“Loved her? God no!
I stopped loving her years ago. Ages ago. I stayed because I felt guilty,
because I felt bad. I stayed out of habit—oh, I don’t know—it seemed easier to
stick with the known, the reliable, the safe—but God, it’s been so damn
boring.”

“Boring? You thought
our—it was boring.” Ellen choked on the words. “But all those events, all the
parties, the trips
 …
you must
have enjoyed—”

“They helped, sure;
being around others always helped. That’s how I survived this long. It’s being
alone with her I hate so much.”

Ellen gulped as
sharp, jagged knives stabbed at her on all sides.

He continued
delivering his blows. “She was always dull, so pious and controlled. She
thought of herself as kind and caring, but she wasn’t in the real sense of the
word. She can be so critical, and it’s hard to take. I never looked forward to
coming home or spending time with her. It’s extremely painful at times. We’ve
had nothing to say to each other for years.”

Ellen held back
tears. Her voice cracked as she spoke. “So all those years
 …
you stayed because you were afraid
to leave—yet hated it?”

“Yes, it was a huge
mistake. If I’d had left earlier she wouldn’t have been misled into believing
we were fine, that we were okay. She blames you, but honestly, she was to
blame.”

“My God!” Ellen
gasped as she dropped the phone, crashing it onto her desk. She didn’t want to
listen to any more. She held her breath and tried to focus on the future, their
future. She took a deep breath and tried to let the past flow out of her. She
imagined the past dissolving with every exhale. She surveyed the dismal
surrounding of her cubicle, the piles of endless paperwork, the pathetic
paychecks and her simple coworkers.

“Sam, you there
 …?
”

Ellen wanted to
scream, but reminded herself to stay calm. “So what happens now?” she asked, as
she picked up the phone. “Will I see you at all?”

“I’ll try, but I
think it best to wait a few weeks, even at work. Dr. Sutton insisted I avoid
you, that if we were seen together, even innocently, it might push her over the
edge—I mean
really
push her.”

“That’s not so bad,”
Ellen thought aloud.

“I won’t have that
on my conscience!”

“No. No, you
couldn’t have that kind of guilt,” Ellen added, unable to suppress her rage.
“That might make people actually blame you.”

“That’s why it’s
also important for me to indulge Ellen now. The doctor said I should give her
whatever she wants, even if it seems ridiculous or unreasonable—just make her
happy.”

“Of course. Spoil
her rotten, give her everything,” Ellen said, the bitterness in her voice
escalating with her rage. “While I got nothing. All I got was neglect,
attitude—”

“What attitude?”

Ellen remained
silent, fearful of adding more fuel to the fire. She stared at the work on her
desk and thought about her future.

“God damn it, what
attitude? Lately, I seem to be the one getting all the attitude.”

“Oh
 …
no. I mean, here I am now, wanting
you and I can’t have you and she does,” Ellen said, backpedaling into his
favor. “It’s not fair. She doesn’t deserve you.”

“I know, but she
will get better and we will be back on track. In fact, she’s already showing
signs of improvement. I think she’s happy again. She’s busy shopping and
planning parties and I’m actually enjoying her new attitude. She’s a lot more
fun to be around, laughs more and isn’t nearly as uptight and critical about
everything. The change is quite astonishing.”

That was the last
thing Ellen wanted to hear. The little devil. “I guess spending time with her
isn’t so bad now. No wonder you don’t have any time for me.”

“Come on, don’t be
jealous. It’s just that I am forced to spend a lot of time with her, and since
the coma, it’s much easier and more pleasant. You can’t imagine how painful it
was before. At least now, I can enjoy myself.”

“How wonderful for
you.”

“Look angel, we will
be together soon. I do want to see you, more than ever. The time apart will be
hard for me, but it will also give me time to get my affairs in order.”

“Oh yes, the money.
How’s that going?” Ellen’s blood singed at his deception.

“I had to stop
everything. Besides, it’s better to do it slowly. Look, I didn’t call to fight.
Let’s focus on hanging in until next month. I do miss you.”

Ellen wanted to hang
up. She wanted to march upstairs into his office and tear into him. She knew it
wouldn’t get her what she wanted, what she needed. Calming herself, she bit her
lip and tapped the desk frantically. “Me too.”

“I imagine you on my
lap, here in the office
 …
wearing
a sexy white dress
 …
no
panties—”

Ellen couldn’t
switch gears. Rage still pumped through her veins. Ellen rolled her eyes. “I
can’t wait.” Ellen sat back and threw the phone onto her desk. What did it
matter? She was going to be his new wife soon. Yet, she couldn’t ignore the
pain of hearing how he felt. And now, if that wasn’t bad enough, Samantha Miller
gets to enjoy his attentions instead of her.

Oh no! She sat up in
alarm. What if she seduces him—as her, as his wife? Her heart beat faster. What
if she convinces him to stay? He said she was more fun to be around, more
enjoyable. What if he falls in love with her? What if this beautiful body isn’t
enough to keep him? Her stomach cramped again. Her life would be here
 …
in that dive of an apartment, with
this mind-numbing, tedious job and all that debt and no future. Ellen tried to
imagine a life like this. A life without Jonathan, without her children, her
home, her friends, her charities—without anything she values.

Alone with nothing.
Nothing except a beautiful young body. And now, somehow, in spite of
everything, that wasn’t any comfort at all.

***

Sam sat in the
surgeon’s office wearing a miniskirt and low-cut top. She wore tights instead
of bare legs to hide the cellulite and ugly veins and her top displayed the
most cleavage she could create in her best push-up, cleavage-creating padded
bra. She caught her reflection in the mirror and turned away. Seeing that ugly
face still made her skin crawl.

“Dr. Bronson, I want
the works. Whatever you can do. New boobs—I must have real breasts, ones that
men will love. What can you do with these pathetic excuses for tits?”

“Mrs. Horvath, you
must understand. A woman of your age, your skin has less elasticity. We can
only do so much.”

“But you will do as
much as you can, right?” Sam studied him, searching for affirmation. “No! Do
more—experiment on me. Not like a freak or anything. I don’t want to look weird
 …
here
 …
this is what I want.” Sam held up a tear sheet from a
magazine. “Money’s no problem.”

He looked at the
image. “This is beyond what we can do,” he said, biting his lower lip.

“I said, money is
not a problem, cut away
 …
do
whatever you can.”

“You must be
somewhat realistic, I’m afraid.”

Sam jumped off the
bench and grabbed her purse. Her head felt light, almost dizzy. “Then I will
find someone who can. I thought you were the best.”

“Now, Mrs. Horvath,
please sit down. There are still lots of treatments and surgery we can do. I
just don’t want you to expect—” He held up the image of the supermodel body.
“This! And then be disappointed. We must have a bit of realism of what one can
expect.”

“I expect to be the way
I was.” Sam stared at him. “I must be young again. I just can’t be wrinkled.”
Sam’s eyes watered. She held her breath in an effort to stop the flow. “I just
can’t live like this anymore. No one understands, inside I’m young. I’m very
young. I’m not this bag of wrinkles. I’m not!” Sam tapped her chest with her
hands. “I get sick just touching my skin. It’s like touching an old wool
sweater instead of silk. And to look at myself—I can’t. I just can’t.” Sam
wiped her eyes. “I want to throw up when I see myself, I want to die.”

Dr. Bronson grabbed
her hands. “I want to help you. I want you to feel young and look young, as
young as I can possibly make you.” He handed Sam a tissue.

Sam smiled and wiped
the corners of her eyes with the tissue. “Then do it, Doctor.
Please
do
it. That’s all I ask. Do as much as you possibly can.”

The doctor detailed
a list of procedures that he could do. It wasn’t as much as she wanted but it
was a start. He asked Sam to change into a gown and left the room. After
several minutes, he re-entered and took her weight, her pulse and blood pressure.
He slipped the gown off her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor, and took
photos of Sam from all angles. Sam felt ridiculous as she stared at her
reflection, at the woman wearing a fat suit that was melting. Dripping and
drooping. She wanted to tear it off and find her real body inside—her thin
beautiful body.

He set the camera
aside. “I will have these enhanced showing how much we can do.”

“Good. I don’t want
to see them before you fix them—God, they should be burned.”

“A couple of days,
then we can proceed to make you young again.” A wide smile spread across his
face. “Your file states that you are on blood pressure and cholesterol
medication—”

“I am? No one told
me I was.”

“Haven’t you been
taking them?”

Her face blushed.
“Why should I? I feel fine.”

“I don’t think you
understand the importance of keeping your blood pressure under control. That
explains your high reading. I can’t perform surgery if you are unstable. Please
resume your prescriptions, faithfully.”

To ease her
disappointment, he gave her a small treatment of a new test product called
Botox and injections of collagen to her cheeks and lips. Sam felt relief to
have accomplished at least something that helped make her look a little better.

After the doctor’s
appointment, Sam rushed to the trendy furniture store Habitat to meet her
decorator. Sam knew Patty was disappointed when she didn’t choose her for the
renovation, but come on
 …
Patty’s
over fifty. Sam wanted a young, trendy house
 …
one that reflected how cool she and Jonathan are now. And that way, she
could get the celebrities and trendy, ultra-cool people to come over and party
with them—no more of these stuffy old folks.

So instead of Patty,
she pored through
Architectural Digest
and picked the brightest and
youngest star in the decorating world: Matt Black. And finally, after two weeks
of picking out furniture, they had decided on a theme: contemporary, sleek and
modern. And very expensive.