United State of Love (26 page)

‘You'll be okay.’

‘I have been quite ruthless and been getting rid of lots of stuff that I don't actually use or need. It's surprising how much you can do without when you put your mind to it.’ Anna faked a grin.

‘I'm sorry,’ said Mark quietly, not looking at Anna but sitting down opposite her at the table.

‘Sorry? What for?’

‘The house sale. The other night when we argued. What I said.’ He looked up at Anna and let out a long sigh. ‘Being a pig. Letting you down. Everything.’

Anna was taken aback. She hadn't expected this, Mark apologising, and he really did seem genuine.

He gave her a small smile. ‘I would say don't look so surprised, but I guess you've got every reason to be.’ He reached across and held her hand. ‘I am sorry, Annie. For everything.
Everything
.’

For a moment Anna looked down at his hand around hers, swallowing an unexpected lump that had come to her throat. ‘We did try, didn't we?’ she said, her voice full of sadness.

‘You did. You tried really hard. I should have tried harder.’ Mark's voice was tender but the shame and regret was etched all over his face. He sounded truly sincere. He held her hand tighter. ‘I did love you, I really did Anna. I think I just loved myself more.’

‘We were both young, Mark. Very young. Neither of us were ready for the responsibility of being married and having a child. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change anything. How could I? Out of all of this sorry mess we had Luke. We still have him. Thank God.’

‘I know. That’s what I was trying to say that night after the hospital. The realisation of what happened to Luke, the thought of what could have happened to him, brought it all home to me. It's made me see things clearer. It wasn’t just the shock of that night, I’ve felt like this ever since. It wasn’t just a knee-jerk reaction, I promise. It put everything into perspective. I realise now how lucky I am to have him. I really regret not being there for him. Not just the last year while I've been in the States, but all the time. I never really put him or you first. I am sorry.’ Mark blinked back the tears that threatened to escape. ‘I'm going to make it up to him. I'm going to be there for him. I'm not going to let him down again. I wish we could have been a proper family.’

Anna nodded sadly. The remorse was real. It had been all she had wanted when Luke was born. To be a happy family, the three of them. Now she had the opportunity to say it, she knew she couldn’t let it pass. This was about more than just the photos now. This was about redemption and atonement. ‘I suppose the one thing that defined us as a family, Luke, ultimately wasn't strong enough to keep us together. There were too many differences and pressures for us to work as a couple. We didn't make a very good team.’

‘That was mostly my fault,’ conceded Mark. ‘I could have tried harder but I didn't. I reacted badly to being a father so young. All the other lads my age at the club, they were out having fun. I wanted to be part of that. I didn't want to sit at home with a baby. I think, in a way, I was punishing you by seeing other women.’

‘That's what I mean, we were young and emotionally ill-equipped to be married with a child. We hardly had any time together, just you and me. Hardly any time to get to know each other. That's not to say, we didn't have fun and enjoy ourselves, for a short time.’ It was so long ago, it seemed like another lifetime.

‘And then after the accident, I blamed you for that too.’ Mark held his head in his hands, stopping for a moment to regain his composure. ‘I punished you in the way I knew would hurt you most. Instead of being there for you, helping you cope with your loss, our loss. The baby, our child … ’ Mark's voice tailed off. He kept his head in his hands.

Anna wiped away the tears that were trickling down her face. It was the first time he had ever really acknowledged the baby they had lost. He had practically dismissed it at the time of the accident, so wrapped up in his own drama, his broken leg that meant he was out of football, not just for six months or a year, but out of the game forever. Too severe an injury to fully recover from and be the athlete he once was.

‘Don't blame yourself for everything,’ said Anna at last. ‘If I'm being totally honest, I could have tried harder too. When things got bad, I didn't try and work the problems through. I knew you were with other women and I just let you. I didn't even confront you about them after the accident. It was easier that way. I put all my love and attention onto Luke instead. He became the focal point for my emotions. My passiveness towards you and what you were doing, well, that just allowed you to carry on. I'm sorry. So very sorry.’

Anna knew in her heart of hearts that this was true. In the end, she had simply given up on their marriage. In fact, it had been easier that way, not having to care about what he was doing. It had been her defence mechanism to stop her from getting hurt any more than she already was.

‘I wonder how long we would have carried on like that if the offer to work in the States hadn't come through?’ Mark gave a weak smile. It didn’t hide the sadness Anna saw in his eyes.

She shrugged. ‘Who knows?’

‘Even when I bought this house for you, I was still punishing you. By me owning it, I could still keep tabs on you. Still be in control,’ admitted Mark. ‘That way I still had a reason to be in touch. When I came back earlier in the year, I knew I had to sell the house, but I also realised I wasn't ready to let you go. That's why I've been … ’ He paused, as if searching for the right phrase.

‘Difficult?’ Anna filled in the gap.

‘Yeah, difficult,’ nodded Mark. ‘Difficult about you and Tex. I'm sorry for that too. You deserve to find someone who really loves you. Someone who won't hurt you.’

It wasn't the time for Anna to disagree with Mark about Tex. She'd have to sort that out herself later. She pushed the thought of Tex away.

‘It's okay, Mark. It's time to let go. If it's forgiveness you're looking for, then I do forgive you.’ She did forgive him for what had happened in their marriage. However, the photos were another matter.

‘Thank you,’ said Mark. It was almost a whisper. The smile now grateful. ‘I know I can't make it up to you now, I know it's too late, but I am definitely going to make it up to Luke.’

Anna smiled. ‘Being there for Luke is the best way you could possibly make it up to me. All the heartache and sadness we've caused each other has to have a reason, a purpose. It's not too late to put things right with Luke. Be there for him. Be his dad.’

‘I will. I promise,’ said Mark sincerely.

Anna sat in silence as she took in and finally understood how their relationship had worked, or not worked, as was the case. Finally admitting to each other where they had gone wrong, the things they could have done better, should have done better. Offering and accepting apologies. Seeking and receiving redemption and resolution. Cleansing the soul of their volatile relationship.

Anna broke the silence first. ‘Mark, about those photos.’ She hoped she had picked the right moment. He seemed conciliatory and reasonable.

Mark looked up at her and went to speak, then shut his mouth again. Anna could feel herself tense. Had she misjudged him? She tried again, this time more steely. ‘You did say if I agreed to the house sale I could have them back. Mark?’

‘I said I wouldn’t send them out, not that you could have them back.’ He sounded shifty. He looked shifty.

Why did she expect anything else? ‘You’re a bastard, you know that?’

Luke continued to improve and feel better as the week went on, although any mention of alcohol still managed to turn his stomach.

‘I think he's learnt his lesson,’ said Anna light-heartedly as she sat in the Fish and Fly with Zoe. ‘Mind you, I'm not much better. I don't fancy anything alcoholic myself.’ She swirled the diet Coke round in her glass.

‘And you and Mark have finally sorted things out?’

‘Sort of.’

‘What does that mean?’

Anna closed her eyes for a moment to gather her thoughts. ‘I suppose it doesn’t matter now if I tell you.’

‘Tell me what?’

‘Apart from threatening to try and ruin Tex’s business and not agree to a divorce, Mark had something else he was using against me.’

‘I knew it!’ snapped Zoe. ‘I knew there must be something else. What’s he been up to now?’

And so Anna told her sister-in-law about the photos, and how even though she had gone along with everything, he still wouldn’t give them to her. ‘I just can’t get past that. I don’t understand what’s going on in his mind.’

‘What do you think he’ll do with them?’

Anna shrugged. ‘I don’t really know what use they are to him now. He’s got everything he wants from me, and even managed to get rid of Tex in a roundabout sort of way.’

‘Still not heard from him?’ enquired Zoe gently.

Anna shook her head. ‘No. Seems when things got tough it frightened him off. I should have expected it really. He’s not the settling down type. Too many ghosts. I've tried ringing him but his phone is switched off. He must be avoiding me.’

‘I honestly didn't think he'd be like that,’ mused Zoe, sipping her wine. ‘It seems out of character, if you ask me. He always seemed so decent.’

‘I don't want to talk about it.’ Anna dropped her gaze, drawing imaginary circles with her finger on the tabletop. ‘Let's change the subject. How are things with you and Nathan?’

‘Much better, thanks.’ Zoe took another sip of her wine. ‘All this business with Luke has given us both a kick up the backside. We've talked a lot over the last few days. We've been honest and open and realised how much we still love each other, and how important the children are to us.’

‘I'm really pleased,’ said Anna earnestly. ‘I've been worried about you two.’

‘We're going to make a proper effort, both of us. Nathan is going to reschedule his diary so that he has two consecutive days at home a week. Me, I'm going to stop trying to do everything myself and let my mum take Emily two mornings a week.’

‘Oh, Zoe, that's brilliant. Your mum will love looking after her. It will give you some me-time.’

‘I know, and I've already started sorting myself out. No more trackies, which have been more like a tattoo on me recently. I'm joining that slimming class I keep meaning to. Also, Saturday evenings are going to be time for just me and Nathan. Our time. Even if we don't go out, we're going to try and keep the time just for each other.’ Zoe gave an embarrassed smirk.

‘Excellent. If you ever want a babysitter on a Saturday, just give me a shout.’

‘Thank you. Anyway, enough of that. How's the house packing going? You all set for next week?’

‘Pretty much,’ replied Anna. ‘I get the keys on Monday. I'll be sad to say goodbye to the house but it's for the best. I'll be able to wipe the slate clean of everything and start again. I'm really looking forward to it.’ The fake smile and overenthusiastic raising of her glass of Coke as a toast didn't convince her.

Anna sat on the sofa looking stunned at the announcement Mark had just made. Luke wanted to go to America with his dad on Friday. That, in itself, wasn't the shock, and under any other circumstances Anna would have been delighted. Only, Luke didn't want to go for just a week, or even two weeks, as a holiday, he wanted to go for six months.

‘It's bit sudden isn't it?’ asked Anna, trying not to sound as shocked as she felt.

‘We've been thinking about it since Luke came home last week. We just wanted to make sure it was definitely what we wanted before we spoke to you.’

Not known for his tact, Mark was at least trying to be more empathetic and understanding, acknowledged Anna.

‘What about your A levels?’ Anna looked at Luke, who so far had let his dad do the talking.

Luke looked up from the floor he had been focused on throughout the conversation, obviously uneasy himself with how his mum would react. ‘I could just put them back a year.’

‘There's nothing to stop Luke studying over there,’ said Mark. ‘He could help at the academy too, gain some coaching qualifications.’ He paused and looked at Luke questioningly. Luke nodded. Mark continued, this time even more gently. ‘He might like it out there and want to stay a bit longer. Maybe go to uni, or college as it's called in the States.’

‘Move out there permanently?’ God where did that come from? One minute they were talking about six months, the next forever!

‘It's early days, just a thought really,’ said Mark, coming to sit beside Anna. He put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. ‘Let's cross that bridge if, and when, we get to it.’

Anna got up, moving away from Mark. She knew he had been trying all week to be more considerate and thoughtful, so much so that a few times she had been reminded of the man she had married. However, the thought of the photos that he refused to give up was a great counter-emotion.

As for Luke going to the States, it was a bittersweet pill, that was for sure. Anna was so pleased for Luke that Mark had finally made that bond with their son but, ironically, that bond was now threatening to take her son to the other side of the Atlantic.

‘I can easily come back in the holidays. It's not like I'm never going to see you again,’ said Luke enthusiastically. ‘We can see and speak to each other on Skype all the time. Email. Text. It'll be just like I'm here really.’ Anna didn’t look convinced, so Luke tried another tactic. ‘If I stayed here, did my A levels and was then going to uni in somewhere like Manchester or, I dunno, Wales or Cornwall, anywhere like that, you wouldn't object. It's just the same really.’

In a small, reasonable part of her mind, Anna knew that Luke was right. ‘It's just so far away,’ she said weakly. She let out a sigh. ‘I'm okay about it really. I just didn't have any inkling that you wanted to go. I'm pleased you and your dad are getting on so much better. Really, I am. I'll just miss you, that's all.’

‘I know. I'll miss you too, Mum.’

Face pressed against the window, hands cupped to block out the reflection, Tex tried to see through a chink in the closed Venetian blinds of 2 Coach House Cottages. No good, he couldn't see anything, it was too dark inside. He banged on the door for a third time and leaned on the bell. No answer. Surely there would be someone in at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning.

‘What's all this noise about?’ Mrs Meekham appeared on her path, looking over the garden to her neighbour's property. ‘Oh, it's you.’

‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ replied Tex politely. He really didn't need nosey Mrs Meekham right now. ‘Sorry if I disturbed you.’

‘If it's Anna you're after, then you're wasting your time,’ said Mrs Meekham, folding her arms.

Tex stopped trying to look through the letterbox, and walked across the little paved front garden to the boundary hedge between the two properties. ‘Is she out?’

‘You could say that,’ said Mrs Meekham, revelling in being the holder of crucial information. ‘They're all gone. All three of them.’

‘All three of them?’ echoed Tex.

‘Yes. Mark, Anna and Luke. They've all gone. To America.’ Mrs Meekham gave a nod of her head, as if confirming what she was saying.

‘To America?’ Tex couldn't quite comprehend what she was saying.

‘So I believe,’ said Mrs Meekham. ‘New family moving in on Monday. You've only just missed the Barnes’s, they went on Friday.’

‘Are you sure?’ Tex ignored the irritated feeling that shot through him on hearing them referred to as a family unit.

‘I may be old but I haven't lost my marbles yet,’ scolded Mrs Meekham. ‘Told me himself did young Luke. They were moving to America. Anyway, can't stand here gossiping, I've got things to do. Cheerio.’

Tex felt his gut twist. He had been so sure last week that Anna would turn up on Sunday. That she had finally accepted how much he loved her, and he had been equally sure that she would realise she loved him too. At least he thought she did.

As if on autopilot, Tex drove away from the house, away from Mrs Meekham's twitching curtain. He only made it around the corner before he had to pull over. Holding on to the top of the steering wheel, he rested his head on his hands, closing his eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to go back to Mark. She certainly wasn't supposed to go to America. Tex sat upright, still holding on to the wheel, his arms locking at full stretch. The tension ran from his neck, through his shoulders, down the length of his arms, causing his fingers to curl and uncurl around the steering wheel.

‘Fuck it!’ he shouted out loud, and with a clenched fist, thumped the inside of the door. Taking a long, deep breath and exhaling slowly, Tex struggled to keep his anger and frustration under control. He needed to think straight. He closed his eyes, dragging his hand down across his face, rubbing his chin, trying to clear his mind and block out the feeling of loss. It was painful, too painful. Just when he thought he had her back, she had slipped from his grasp, like a child desperately trying to grab the string of a helium-filled balloon as it lifted into the sky, up and away, never to be seen again.

The bleeping of his phone brought him out of his thoughts. A message. Anna? He rummaged in his jacket that was lying on the passenger seat and pulled out his phone. No, of course it wouldn't be her. She was in America. With her husband! Just thinking of Mark being her husband made Tex’s face contort into a snarl. He looked at his phone. Jamie.

You all right mate? Fancy coming over for brunch?

He wasn't in the mood for being social. In fact, he hadn't been in the mood all week, brooding over Anna and her lack of contact. He had tried ringing her on Thursday, but it had just gone to voicemail. Perhaps he should have left a message, but it had seemed so impersonal, an automated voice telling him to speak after the tone. He needed to speak to her in person. He just wished he could see her one more time. Touch her. Hold her. Tell her how much he loved her.

Tex shook his head. What was he thinking of? He had done all that on Saturday at his apartment. What good had that done? Built his hopes up, only to have them dropped from an enormous height. His hopes free-falling without a parachute. Hitting the ground. Decimated.

He phoned Jamie. Not that he really wanted brunch but he needed to ask him if he knew anything about Anna going to America.

‘Sorry, mate, I thought you knew,’ said Jamie apologetically. ‘She's resigned. Sent me a letter by post.’

‘What did it say?’

‘Just that she had to resign with immediate effect due to personal reasons. Why? What's up?’

‘She's gone to America. With
him.’
The bitterness was all too apparent.

‘Ouch!’

Tex could hear Yvonne's voice in the background. ‘Make sure he comes over.’ Then down the telephone she called directly to him, ‘You get yourself over here now, Tex. No brooding on your own. Understand?’

‘Yes,’ he sighed before hanging up.

He reached for his jacket again to put his phone away and heard a jangle in his pocket. Anna's watch. He took the watch out and held it across his fingers, rubbing the face with his thumb. This was the closest he was going to get to her. He was going to give it back to her today. That and the envelope sitting on the passenger seat.

Tex looked at the watch. What was the point in keeping it? A painful reminder. He didn't know where to send it, and if she was in America, would she ever get it? Then a thought struck him. Jamie would have to wait a bit longer.

‘She's not here,’ said Zoe after a few seconds’ hesitation.

‘I know,’ replied Tex. ‘Can I come in?’

‘You can, although these days my breakfast meetings usually consist of Coco Pops, riot control and baby winding.’ Zoe stood back, holding the door wide open. ‘As it happens, Nathan has taken the boys swimming this morning so I have a relatively free window, apart from Emily, that is. Come in.’

Tex stepped into the hall and waited while she closed the door, then followed her down to the kitchen.

‘Coffee? I can't do an espresso but I can do a black coffee.’

Tex nodded. ‘Black will be fine. Thank you.’

Radio 2 played in the background, the presenter relaying messages of love. Bob wanted to tell his gorgeous wife Judy how much he loved her, and how happy he had been for the past twenty-five years. Jessica, who was looking forward to seeing her boyfriend today, wanted to wish him happy birthday and tell him he was the love of her life.

Great, just what he needed. Tex closed his eyes momentarily.

‘So?’ said Zoe, putting the black coffee down in front of him.

Tex took the watch from his pocket, and together with the large envelope he had been holding, slid them across the table to Zoe. ‘Can you make sure Anna gets these?’ He wondered if he looked as fatigued as he sounded. He couldn't sum up the energy or enthusiasm to even pretend to be upbeat.

Zoe looked at the watch and envelope over the rim of her coffee cup. ‘I can, but why don't you do it yourself?’

‘I don't know her address.’ Tex hadn't meant to sound quite as bitter as he did. His emotions were swinging wildly, from a deep sense of loss to a bubbling anger and all the feelings in between.

‘I can tell you where she is,’ began Zoe, before being cut off by Tex.

‘No. I do not want to know the details.’ Tex took a mouthful of the coffee; it wasn't particularly pleasant, but he didn't really care. He spoke again, this time more gently. ‘How is she? Have you heard from her?’

Zoe studied Tex's face for a moment. ‘She's okay. I haven't spoken to her since she moved but she did send me a message to say she was settling in.’

‘Is she happy?’

‘What do you want me to say?’ sighed Zoe. ‘Do you want me to say that she's fed up and miserable or that she's happy and content?’