Tidal (32 page)

seventeenth through the twenty-third. I was

set to be released from Seaside on

October 19.

“Why are you so quiet?” he

whispered.

I rubbed my hand roughly across my

chest. “Because I miss you,” I said. Then,

in an attempt to lighten the conversation

because it was all I could do not to

breakdown, I added, “And because I think

your accent is hot when your voice drops

like that.”

I could hear a sound buzzing at the

side of my ear, and it took me a long time

to realize that a staff member was saying

my name—my actual first name—in a soft

voice to let me know my call was up. If I

stayed on track, I’d get another next week.

“I’ve got to go,” I said. “I’ll write,

okay.”

“Mmhmm.” As I prepared to hang up

he dropped his voice again and said

softly, “Wills, I love you.”

I pushed past the lump in my throat to

say, “You too.”

When I hit the round button to end the

call, I gave the cordless phone back to the

smiling woman waiting for it. “You’re on

the schedule for a meeting with Doctor

Nelson in ten minutes. Will you be—”

“Yes,” I answered, thinking of the man

I’d just hung up from. Of his friends

who’d been writing me just as much as he

did and my bodyguard who’d become

closer to me than any friend I’d made

since becoming an actress. I thought of

myself and how I’d spent my last session

with Doctor Nelson in a puddle of tears as

we talked about everything from the baby,

to the lawsuits, to my parents.

We’d talked about Cooper.

I held up the gazillion-page book I’d

been reading over the past couple days.

“I’m just going to put this in my room

before seeing Doctor Nelson,” I said. The

book was the same one that had been

passed around the last time I was in

rehab.

It was so much better than the script

for the movie had been.

***

longer wanted Roxies or anything else to

drown away the pain wasn’t until the end

of September. I woke up at 6 a.m. after a

bad dream and I didn’t want to black out

the memory of it ever happening, of the

baby ever happening. All I wanted to do

was climb into the shower and then go to

breakfast so I could start my day.

When I told Doctor Nelson about my

epiphany at our session at the end of the

week, he beamed, tapping the end of his

pen against the corner of his desk. He

gave me a pointed look before asking,

“Does that mean you’re checking out

early?”

Placing my elbows on the desk, I

rested my forehead against my clenched

hands. God, if this had been eight month

ago, I would have checked myself out as

soon as he asked me that, especially when

I had Cooper waiting somewhere under a

palm tree or on a paddleboard for me.

Instead, I shook my head. “I’ll stick it

out the full sixty days.”

Doctor Nelson nodded his bald head

carefully, his expression never changing.

“Do you know what you’ll do after you

leave here?”

It wasn’t the first time the question had

come up since I’d come to Seaside almost

a month before, but it was mostly in my

parents’ letters.
Will you go back to

acting? Will you come to live with me

and your dad? Are you going to use your

payment for
Tidal
to get your own place?

I’d written them back each time

without answering their questions because

I didn’t want to act. God knew the last

thing I wanted to do was live with my

parents. And to be honest, it really wasn’t

any of their business what I planned to do

with the money I made filming the movie.

“Maybe I’ll go to college,” I told

Doctor Nelson. The moment I said it, I felt

my heartbeat pick up. Felt that thrill of

excitement I used to feel when I scored a

dream role or a glowing review. Maybe I

would go to school. It would be my first

go at a normal education since I was in

fourth or fifth grade.

Doctor Nelson lifted one of his

eyebrows and leaned forward. “You look

surprised.”

“I am. I mean, I didn’t realize I wanted

to do it.”

“Do you know what you want to major

in?”

I lifted my shoulders. “No clue. The

only thing I’ve ever done was act.” But I

remembered what Paige had told me about

her sister Delilah. That she’d told their

parents that she was only 19 and shouldn’t

be expected to know what she wants to

do.

The corners of Doctor Nelson’s lips

twisted in concern. “Have you told your

boyfriend yet?”

Shaking my head, I swallowed in an

attempt to clear the tightness from my

throat. Since our first call, I’d only gotten

to talk to Cooper two more times on the

phone and the last time I’d called he was

in the middle of having dinner with

Dickson and his wife. He’d insisted that

he’d much rather speak to me but after ten

minutes, I lied and said my time was up.

He needed to fix his relationship with

his dad as much as I needed to fix myself.

“I’ll tell him when I get out.”

“He’s coming to pick you up? You’d

mentioned during our first session about

your frustration with your family for never

being around once you reach the end of

your treatment—”

Pulling my arms off the desk, I

dropped them by my side and stared down

at my lap. Mom had written me a letter

last week, swearing that she and Dad

would be here to pick me up on October

19, even if they had to walk. It was

dramatic and typical of my mother, but I

believed her. Flicking my tongue over dry

lips, I said, “No, my mom and dad are

coming to get me.”

I had no plans to tell Cooper because I

wasn’t going to be selfish and make him

choose between me and the competition he

had coming up.

I would be okay if I had to wait a

week more to see him.

And as I sat in front of my therapist

talking about how I’d handle the paparazzi

once I was released in a couple weeks, I

knew that even though what had happened

three years ago would always remain one

of those what-ifs for me—even though I’d

probably always have nightmares and

would never be able to get rid of the scar

in my heart—that I’d live.

Chapter Twenty-Three

October 19

On the day of my release from

Seaside, I woke up a few minutes after 8

a.m., smiling.

My parents had sent me a care

package with new clothes the week before

and I tried to get dressed quietly, hoping

not to wake Nora. She woke up anyway,

flipping on the little light above her twin-

size bed to stare across the room at me.

“You scared?” she asked.

She and I had stayed up late the night

before talking about everything from her

kids—her oldest was a few years younger

than me—to movies and finally to surfing.

I’d spent the last couple months gushing

about it and she said that once she left

Seaside next month, she might give it a

try.

I pulled on one of my long leather

boots and shook my head. “Not this time.”

“Excited?”

I glanced up at her and smiled. “More

than anything.”

She slid up into a sitting position and

crossed her arms over her thin chest. “You

should have told your boyfriend you were

getting out,” she said, and I shot her a

look. She’d been on my ass since last

week, when Cooper and I had spoken, and

I still hadn’t said anything to him about my

release date.

“It’s not a big deal.” I said despite the

lump in my throat. “I’ll fly out to Hawaii

next week to see him.”

Nora shook her head but gave me a

wistful smile. “I hate surprises.” My

roommate was the type of person who

read the last chapter of books first and

refused to watch a movie without spoiling

it, so I rolled my eyes.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, the

edges of my lips pulling up. I stood and

buttoned my skinny jeans and grabbed my

bag from atop the dresser. Then I crossed

the room and sat on the corner of her bed.

“Personal space,” she reminded me,

but she was laughing.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said.

Groaning, she demanded. “You’re not

going to cry all over me, are you?”

But when I hugged her, she squeezed

me tightly. It was only when I reached the

door to our room that she asked in a husky

voice, “You’ll write?"

My throat felt dry. Nora’s family still

hadn’t written her—she said they were

trying to teach her a lesson this time

around. I pushed past the discomfort and

turned partially around to glance at her.

“Every day, if you want.”

She snorted and rolled her light brown

eyes. “Don’t be a lame ass. You be good,

Mouse Ears,” she said even though I’d

told her a hundred times I’d never acted in

a Disney movie in my entire life.

“I will. Try not to harass the hot

counselor anymore, okay?”

She didn’t respond until I stepped out

into the cold hallway. “Yeah, probably

not.”

I hugged myself close as I walked

toward the staff’s station. When I turned

the corner, I half expected to see Kevin,

waving at me with news that my parents

couldn’t make it and a new part but then I

saw my mother. She was pacing, her heels

clacking hard on the linoleum floor, and

biting her bottom lip.

“Mom,” I said, and though I’d thought

I’d accepted the fact that she might not

show up, my voice cracked.

She stopped, turned to me and her face

stretched into a Botox smile. She rushed

towards me, meeting me just outside the

staff station and wrapping me in a tight

embrace. “It feels like it’s been years

since I saw you!” she exclaimed when she

finally let me go.

I gave a little laugh. “Yeah, well, me

too.” Frowning, I looked over her

shoulder. “Where’s Dad?”

Mom took a couple steps back,

smoothing her hand over her highlighted

hair. “He was on a trip in Boston, but

we’re picking him up on the way home.”

She checked her watch and cringed.

“Right now, actually.”

“I’ve just got to check out and—”

She took my bag from me, sliding the

strap onto her shoulder, and nodded. “You

do that and I’ll call your dad to let him

know we’ll be there soon.”

I was grinning like an idiot as I signed

out of Seaside. The counselor in

admissions gave me my phone back, I

signed a few forms and the staff wished

me the best of luck. The whole process

took all of fifteen minutes, and then Mom

and I went out to the parking lot where her

red Cadillac CTS-V was waiting. I slid

into the passenger seat, immediately

reaching for the radio dial as she cranked

the engine.

I sighed when I caught the middle of a

Jason Mraz song and sung along off-key,

sounding as horrible as my mom had when

she called me on my birthday back in July.

She shot me a look as she navigated the

Cadillac into traffic.

“Jesus Willow, I don’t remember you

being like this at 9 in the morning ever,”

she said.

“It’s a good feeling,” I admitted,

resting my head back against the headrest

and looking out the window at an orange

Metro bus a couple lanes over. Seeing it

brought back the memory of myself back

in June and I slid my phone back and forth

between my hands, wishing I could call

Cooper.

The song switched to Paramore and I

nearly choked when my mother joined in

with me, singing loudly. Our eyes

connected across the center console and

though I knew we had a long ways to go,

this was a start. When the song ended, she

brought up my attorney and where he was

in the appeals process. Clay had flat out

told Mom that he didn’t think we stood a

chance but he was willing to keep trying.

I was silent for a long time and then I

nodded. “I’d appreciate it if he did.”

When we arrived at LAX twenty

minutes later, Mom gave me an apologetic

smile. “I’m going to park.” She glanced

down at her phone, flipped through her

messages and told me the American

Airlines flight number, before saying,

“He’s already here. Can you go in and—”

I was already getting out the car,

grabbing a pair of sunglasses out of the

center console as I did so. “Got it.”

It was the first time in years that I’d

been in this airport without a bodyguard

standing over my shoulders and as I made

my way to the gate, I felt like a million