Tidal (17 page)

stood my ground and dared his blue eyes

with my own, even though my chest felt

like it would burst from the pressure.

Screw Cooper. Screw him for making me

feel like this over and over and over

again.

“I’m not wishy-washy. I know exactly

what and who I want, but I’m also smart

enough to know when that person isn’t

ready or willing. You tried to kiss me

because you wanted to pay me back for

saving you and I refuse to take advantage

of that.” I opened my mouth to argue, but

he hushed me, catching my lips gently

between his thumb and forefinger. “When

you went under I freaked out. I don’t want

to get hurt out there but I can’t stop you

from falling.”

No. God, no—how did he expect me

to respond when he was talking about

falling and getting hurt? How the hell did

he even expect me to catch my breath

when his words had so many meanings? I

nodded, and he dragged his fingertips

away from my mouth, sliding them gently

down my chin, down the column of my

throat, stopping right above my heart.

“We should head back,” I said in a

cracked whisper. “I’ve got community

service.”

I walked away, pretending not to hear

what he said next:

“That’s the only thing stopping me

from taking you inside to show you I’m not

the least bit unsure of what I want.”

The moment we stepped into the

house, Cooper headed upstairs to where

his bedroom was, stripping away his

swim trunks and wet t-shirt along the way.

I had to grip the bannister not to follow

behind him.

“See you in two days, Wills,” he

yelled, disappearing around the corner. I

sighed, and then shuffled into the shop

area. Miller was already there, leaning his

massive frame against the surfboard

counter, and he and Eric were laughing

about something.

“You look like a wave beat the crap

out of you,” a voice said from the far

corner, and I spun around to see Paige

sitting in front of a t-shirt display,

carefully folding promotional tees for

Blue Flame Surfing Academy. I gave her a

dark look and her smile faded a little. “Oh

. . . guess it did.”

I lingered a few steps away from the

door and shot my bodyguard a pleading

look. “You ready?” I pressed the tiny

button on the side of my phone to

illuminate the screen. “I’d like to get to the

shelter in the next 30 minutes.”

He gave me a tiny nod of his head and

swiped the keys to the Kia off the counter.

As he came toward me, his expression

changed to worry, but I pursed my lips and

shook my head. “I’m fine,” I said. To

Paige and Eric, who were now organizing

sunblock bottles in the compartment

behind the counter, I said, “See you guys

soon.”

“Get some rest. You don’t look like

yourself,” Eric said. When I turned around

to glare at him, and Paige snorted in

disgust, he shrugged. “Do you want me to

lie to you?”

“Bye guys,” I said, this time my voice

final, and I walked with Miller into the

foyer. Paige stopped me halfway to the

car, her short black hair flying around her

face as she bounded down the steps.

“Hey! You’re coming to Cooper’s

party tomorrow night, yes?” she asked,

bobbing her head up and down as if it

would help make up my mind. I hadn’t

even known there was a party, so I shook

my head, frowning.

“Wasn’t invited.”

I didn’t know why saying that bothered

me, but it did. Quite a bit.

“Don’t be stupid—of course you’re

invited. It’s for a competition he won a

couple months ago,” she said. Then, her

eyes widened and she tilted her head to

look at Miller, who was climbing into the

Kia. “You’re worried about being safe?

Because there’s nobody coming you’d

have to worry about.”

“No, I mean . . . I doubt Cooper wants

me to come.” Not when there was a

million pounds of frustration between us.

Placing her hands on her hips, Paige

glanced at me, then back at the house, and

finally at me again, all the while keeping

her face completely blank. I started to

walk away toward the Kia, but she shook

her head.

“Well, Cooper can suck it the fuck up.

Eric and I are hosting it and you’re

coming, even if I have to drag your ass out

of my parents’ rental house.”

“We’ll see.”

“I’ll come and get you,” she warned as

I got into the Kia.

I gave her a thumbs up as Miller

pulled away, heaving a sigh of relief when

we were out of sight. “Tired?” he asked.

I glanced out the window, letting the

beach houses become a white and brown

blur. I thought of the painful nightmares I’d

had several days this week and waking up

with that need to drown all my sorrow. I

thought of how the sea had pulled me

under this afternoon and the way Cooper

had found me, his hands tightening around

me, saving me, pulling me back in.

Cooper was wrong.

I knew exactly what I wanted. It was

him.

***

knocked out ten hours of community

service. This time I followed Dave’s

directions not to communicate with the

residents at Harmony House, thanks to the

iPod I borrowed from Miller that was full

of angsty music—Five Finger Death

Punch, Puddle of Mudd, and Saving Abel,

to name a few. The work was monotonous

and boring, but it kept my thoughts off

Cooper and the fact that shooting was

scheduled to begin in a few days.

I hadn’t acted in what felt like an

eternity and the more I thought about being

on camera again, how much I still needed

to learn from Cooper, the more anxious I

became.

When I texted Jessica on Saturday

evening, I mentioned how nervous I was

and she responded almost immediately.

6:36 p.m
.: WTF? You’ll be fine. You

always are.

6:37 p.m.
: Please tell me you’re

coming back to LA for your birthday?

We’ll celebrate in style! ;)

I re-read Jessica’s last text repeatedly,

letting the meaning sink deep enough into

my brain to give me a headache, allowing

the shame and frustration to ooze through

my veins. No matter what she thought, I

wasn’t going to spend another birthday so

fucked up I that I could barely think or

move. Cooper managed to do that to me

every time I had a surf lesson with him but

at least I didn’t wake up unsure of what

I’d done the night before.

I wasn’t going to message her back,

but then she sent me a series of question

marks, and I gave in.
No. I’ll probably

have to work on my birthday.

8:43 p.m
.: Filming has never stopped

you before . . .

Dot, dot, dot. Jessica had to know how

much that irritated me because of the

implications behind it.

She didn’t text back—not that I

expected her to since she’d gotten in the

last word—so I sat the phone screen-side

down on the table, beside my empty

dinner plate. Placing my elbows onto the

wood surface, I leaned forward, rubbing

my face with my palms. Like it would help

scrub the dirty feeling away from my skin.

Why had I texted Jessica? It wasn’t

like she and I had ever had a healthy or

decent conversation since we

reconnected. But even as I questioned

myself, I knew the exact reason why I

messaged her. I’d been in Hawaii for two

weeks and aside from Cooper and his

friends and Miller, I was alone.

Pulling a deep breath in through my

nose, I gripped either side of the table and

shook my head. I wasn’t going to be alone

tonight—not when I had an invitation not

to be. I grabbed my phone and texted

Paige, asking if she’d pick me up.

She called me fifteen minutes later, as

I was taking a shower. “Hey,” I answered

breathlessly, leaning my head against the

shower wall furthest from the steady

stream of water. “Does that invitation still

stand?”

“Yes, why wouldn’t it—hey, is that

running water?”

I laughed, but my voice caught. “I’m

showering.”

“Oh baby, that’s hot,” she said dryly.

“Hoebag.”

“You bringing the bodyguard?”

“He has a second job.”

She must have heard the hesitation in

my voice because she was silent for an

uncomfortably long moment before she

said, “You don’t have to worry. It’s just

going to be a bunch of us, sitting around

the beach, playing some music.” I sighed

and she added, “And you’ll be with

Cooper. Not that that means anything of

course . . . just saying since you know him,

you know.”

I could hear the smile in her voice.

“I’ll be ready in half an hour,” I said,

pushing past the lump in my throat.

I dressed slowly, carefully, in a white

eyelet dress that probably wouldn’t have

fit as well two weeks ago, and the wedged

sandals Cooper teased me about when he

caught me wearing them to community

service. I wore makeup for the first time

since I arrived—red lipstick and dark

eyeliner that made my green eyes stand out

against my pale skin. As I applied a

shimmery bronzer over my skin, I realized

that this was the first of so many makeup

sessions in the coming weeks. On Monday

the cameras would come, the rest of the

cast, the paparazzi.

But tonight, I’d have fun with people

who weren’t waiting for me to fuck up.

And I’d be with Cooper.

Chapter Eleven

An hour after we hung up, Paige

pulled up in her Dodge and blew the horn.

Though I’d checked my appearance at

least a dozen times since getting dressed, I

studied myself one more time before I

grabbed my bag and cell phone and locked

up behind myself. I’d already sent Miller

a text telling him where I was going for

the night, but I quickly ran up the outside

steps to his apartment and slipped a note

beneath his door, just in case, before I

climbed into Paige’s van.

Miller would probably message me

back soon and tell me what a shitty

bodyguard he thought he was.

Paige turned to me, her face pulled

into a dramatic pout. “Sorry I’m so late.

Had to go play shuttle for a few friends.”

I shook my head. “Not a big deal.”

Dragging the seatbelt across my body and

buckling it, I continued, “I mean, I’ve only

been dressed an hour and the AC unit in

your parents’ house sucks, but whatever.”

She nudged my bare shoulder softly

with her knuckles. “Smartass,” she said,

her face lighting up as she grinned widely.

“I’m DD, so you know how that goes.”

My toes curled. “Not really. I lost my

license for running into a building while I

was fucked up on methadone.”

The van swerved a little over the

yellow line, and Paige flinched. I saw her

mouth move into something that looked

like “Holy fuck.” She glanced over at me,

her face full of remorse and said, “Oh my

God, Willow, I didn’t—”

“Ugh, if you apologize I’ll punch you

in the boob,” I said. “I’m not proud of

what happened, or what I did, or my fuck

ups, but its public knowledge.” Still I

couldn’t help but take a deep breath to put

myself back together. Saying those words

aloud just reminded me that so much of my

life was a book, left wide open for anyone

to skim through.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to seem so . .

.”

“What? Insensitive? Don’t worry, I’m

pretty sure if you Google me my lawsuits

come up before any of the good I’ve

done.”
All except for one
, I thought.

I shook that thought from my head

because I didn’t want to think about any of

that tonight. I wasn’t sure if that was

selfish and fucked up, but I needed this

night for myself.

“Oh, Willow—”

I turned my body in the seat to give her

a firm look. “It doesn’t bother me. Let’s

just have fun and celebrate Cooper’s

win.” I wouldn’t add that this was the first

party I’d gone to since the one more than

six months ago. The party I’d left on a

stretcher. The party that ended my last role

and made it necessary for me to be in

Honolulu in the first place.

Paige sighed and nodded, but she

didn’t loosen her grip on the worn leather

wheel. We’d managed to make the entire

atmosphere inside of the van toxic, and by

the time we pulled into an empty spot in

Cooper’s driveway, I felt like I’d die if I

didn’t get fresh air. I stumbled out the

vehicle, nearly twisting my ankle in the