This Girl Stripped (10 page)

“So… do you wanna talk about what happened with us? I mean, might as well get that out of the way so we can move on, right?” I’m hoping he takes me up on it, because I’m annoyed without him around. It’s lonely. I got so used to our moments together. Being able to depend on him when he wasn’t holding down the fort at the hotel.

“Yeah, I think we should clear some of that up.” He looks everywhere but at me. Nervous, but I don’t know why.

“Paisley, there’s a lot you don’t know about me. We are virtually strangers still, and everything with us just comes so naturally. I’m scared about hurting you. I don’t want to. I’m just screwed up. My parents always controlled every aspect of my life and it fucked me up. Chrome and Zane didn’t get it because they were older. It wasn’t until Scarlett was born that they slowly loosened the reigns on me.” He stops and moves his face closer to mine, and drops his voice to a whisper.

“That’s when it started. I used sex as a way to get control. I’m a bad person. I control the women I have sex with. I can’t help it. I told you, I’m fucked up.” I don’t understand whatever point he is trying to make.

“So? What does that have to do with me, River? I don’t get it.” I’m honest and he looks confused. Maybe he wants to laugh. I’m such a child in everyones eyes, including his. I may have been on my own for the past couple years, but clearly I don’t know much about the world.

“Paisley, I would hurt you. Physically. I like to
dominate
women in bed. You deserve so much better.” Is he into that kinky whips and chains kinda shit? I just don’t get it. Maybe I need a fucking video or tutorial on it. I shrug my shoulders.

“Whatever floats your boat, River. I can’t change you.” I have to let go of the fantasy of us being together. He makes excuse after excuse as to why we will never be together. Whether he is truly doing this so he won’t hurt me, I don’t know. But I’m going to try and not let it get to me.

“Like that? It’s that easy for you to shrug it all off?” He looks hurt. Shit. Did I do something wrong?

“River, I can’t change you if you don’t let me in. You keep closing me out. I don’t know how to get through to you. I’m not going to push it because we’re friends. I value our friendship. I really do, and I don’t want to lose that.”

By the end of dinner, we fall back into the complex friendship we had before he caught me with Diesel. Holding hands, the small touches, laying in bed watching some bullshit reality television show. It almost seems like life is all back to normal minus my whole dilemma with Diesel.

The one thing that stands out to me the most is the fact that I didn’t think about him all night long while I’ve been with River. But when I was with Diesel the other night, I constantly thought about River. That’s a problem, right? Because I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be like that.

Even though it’s late, I slip down the stairs so I can pick Star’s brain. I know she isn’t the best authority when it comes to relationships or men, but she can point me in the right direction or give me more insight than River was able to since he wouldn’t talk about it at all.

I lightly knock on the door and it swings open. Star is dressed in a one piece My Little Pony sleep sack.
How the fuck? Do they make those for adults?

“What the fuck are you wearing?” I laugh in her face. She shrugs her shoulders and joins my laughter.

“I can’t wear this shit when Chrome is in town. So, once he’s on the road for a couple days, I pony it up. Don’t hate, bitch.” Yup, my big sister is a My Little Pony obsessed freak. But, it makes me love her even more. Unique that’s for sure.

“I need some love life advice, because mine is a fuckin’ mess.” I plop down on her bed and hug one of the silky decorative pillows.

“River or Diesel?” She asks without missing a beat. It’s like she knows everything that has been going on in my life without me having to tell her anything.

“Both.” I laugh and shake my head. “I’m in love with River. I think? But, he keeps pushing me away. Then there’s Diesel, and that’s just confusing as fuck.” I let out a sigh and try to start at the beginning.

“When River kept pushing me away, I slept with Diesel. We spent an amazing night together. Then, the next morning, he was arguing with Ryker on the front porch about being with me. Apparently they are in some fucked up relationship.” As the words left my mouth, Star gasped in shock.

“WHAT?!?” Her voice carries through the entire first floor of the house. Fuck. I know I shouldn’t have spilled that piece of information. I try and explain the situation to her without giving up too much information, but I am totally failing miserably. I tell her everything River spilled to me. I tell her everything that’s gone on in the upstairs of her house for the past week. It really is insane how much has happened in a single damn week.

She already heard a great deal of it from when River caught Diesel and me together, but she goes over everything anyway - detail-by-detail.

“So, let me get this straight; River pushed you away because he would rather fuck prostitutes. And then you fell into bed with Diesel, loved every minute of it, but he has some kind of fucked up tag team relationship with Ryker that he would give up for you?”

Yeah, I guess that wraps it all up.

“Yup, that’s about it. So, Star, what the fuck do I do?”

“I never thought I would see the day when one of my sisters was in a more fucked up situation than me, but Paisley honey, you take the cake this time! Good Lord!” She laughs. I can’t help but laugh along with her and before we know it, we are both holding our stomachs laughing hysterically. In between gasps for air and laughter, I drop another bomb.

“Oh, then you already know that Journey is fucking Ryker?” I continue laughing and her face morphs into disgust.

“You’re serious?”

“As a heart attack. Journey and Ryker have something going on. That’s why Diesel is giving everything up. They’re going their separate ways and apparently, Ryker is shacking up with our deceitful bitch of a sister in Connecticut.” Well that took the conversation in a different direction.

“But enough about that, Star, you gotta help me. I don’t know what to do!”

“Who do you want?” She asks. What kind of question is that? I can’t fucking pick!

“Both of them?” Is that even possible? Shit! It isn’t! There is nothing realistic about that.

“Star, River doesn’t want me.”

“He wants you, he looks like he wants to fucking eat you alive, little sister. So this is what you do. Throw yourself at him. Do something he wouldn’t expect. Put the moves on him. If that’s what
you
want to do. Take him off guard and pretend like you’re in control of the situation. If he really doesn’t want you, you’ll find out right then and there. But, if he does want you, he won’t be able to walk away.” She turns to her closet and pulls a couple night gowns out and tosses them on the bed.

“Take these, hang them in your closet, and slip into one. He won’t be able to keep his eyes off you. I know Chrome loves these.” I want to vomit thinking about her and him, and these. Ick! She must see the look of disgust on my face because she hits me upside the head.

“They’re clean you ass.”

New plan? Seduce River and see if he really wants me. Back up plan is to keep Diesel waiting in the wings? It sounds like a really shitty thing to do. But, I need to find out if there will ever be anything more between River and I before I jump head first into this thing with Diesel - even though I already fucking did.

Christmas Eve's Eve

Most of the house has gone to bed for the night. It’s quiet, other than the crackling of the fire in the large fireplace. Star and Chrome locked themselves in the master bedroom hours ago. Thinking about them in there, I want to vomit in my mouth. Seven and Levi retired to the guest suite off the kitchen. She complained about her feet bothering her and now just River and I sit on the couch bullshitting about anything and everything. Christmas memories from our childhoods mostly. His really wins for being so much better than mine. Shitty ass parents. It was time I finally took Star’s advice and made my move.

I am ready for this step. If we are being honest, Florida really fucked me up. I never thought I would be ready for any kind of relationship again. But here I was stuck between two men. I just needed to know if this thing with River was something I needed to pursue or leave behind.

I never thought I would see the day when I had to put the moves on a guy though. I mean, I’m not socially awkward when it comes to sexual tension by any means. I just want to approach this all in the right way. Mainly because of our friendship.

My head is swimming, and I’m pretty sure I should have skipped that last beer. Come to think of it, I’m a little shocked my sister allows any kind of alcohol in the house given her history. Maybe it’s just for the holidays? I can’t wait anymore or I am going to lose my nerve.

“Wanna come up to my room for a bit? We can watch a movie or something.” I get up from River's lap, where I’ve been comfortably sitting for the past two hours. There has been no uncomfortable moments when our bodies connect everything feels
right
for the first time in forever.
I’m fucking cheesy.
But it’s always like this with him.

“Got National Lampoons Christmas Vacation?” River asks, standing up and stretching his legs. His arms shoot out over his head and I can see the slightest bit of dark black hair on his stomach while his blue jeans ride low on his hips. I’m momentarily distracted while I ogle his body, then I realize he just mentioned my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Screw White Christmas, or It’s a Wonderful Life; National Lampoons is where it’s at!

“Is Rusty still in the Navy?” I reply in my best
Aunt Bethany
voice and River starts cracking up. Yup, something about this is just right. His fingers lace between mine and we make our way up the stairs and to my room. My secluded bedroom sits far from everyone else, surrounded by two unoccupied spare rooms.

I push the door open and my bare feet patter across the hard wood floor toward the television. The DVD is readily available because I’ve watched it no less than a dozen times since Star set me up in here. So generous with every last detail, from the king sized bed to the electronics on which she spared no expense. I felt bad, really bad. I know some day I will re-pay her for every last thing. I don't like owing anyone anything. Every day that passes, I want to make it on my own more and more.

“Get comfy, I’ll start the movie.” I point to my bed as he kicks his shoes off, and jumps into the pile of pillows. Just watching him sprawl out across my bed makes my heart skip a beat. Fuck. I should hold back. I should act like we’re in high school and just watch the damn movie, but all I want to do is fucking strip. I am sick of him looking at me as nothing more than a friend.

The opening credits of the movie start, and I make my way to the closet. I have no desire to actually keep these jeans on. Who wears jeans in bed anyway? I’ve been uncomfortable for hours while keeping my Christmas best on, but I’m finally in my own personal space. I poke my head out of the closet and turn toward River.

“I’m just going to get comfy okay?” He nods and mutters a
whatever
. I strip off the dark blue skinny jeans, and the white ruffled top. My panties slide down my legs, and I unclasp my bra. It joins the pink lace number on the floor. I pull a short, white, silk nightgown off a hanger. I silently thank Star for the sexy little number.

I peek out of the closet, silently taking him in. It’s in this moment that I realize whatever it’s that I feel for him isn't the lust I have felt for every other man that has walked in and out of my life. It sounds stupid, like a line out of a fucking movie but, to me, it’s real. I can feel the pull from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. The stolen glances, the sweet smiles. The butterflies flutter through my stomach and the desire flows through my soul. It’s as intense as it can get, but I am sick of wasting time. I let go of the fear and I go to him.

As I walk across the cold floor, his eyes swing in my direction. His relaxed look changes while he takes in every inch of my exposed skin. I pull the covers down on the opposite side of the bed, and start to climb in when his hand reaches for me.