The Sorrow King (18 page)

“
Well, yeah, I guess. I’m glad it’s over.”

“
And if you were given the chance to go back during that period of mourning, you wouldn’t go, would you?”

“
Not for anything.”

“
Then you have to tell yourself life is better. It gets a little better each day.”

“
But that doesn’t make it ‘Not that bad.’ It’s still bad.”

“
What’s bad about it?”

“
I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Connor bent the page down in his book and sat it on the coffee table. “You’re about ready to graduate high school. You’re about ready to become an adult. Free. You should feel so free right now.”

“
Funny. I don’t really.”

“
Why not?”

“
Because, it just doesn’t matter. Adulthood isn’t freedom. It’s just another trap. I won’t have to go to school or anything but I’m going to have to start doing a whole lot of other things I don’t want to do.”

“
Like what?”

“
Like work.”

“
But everybody has to work. Come on, I’ll get you a job at the bookstore.”

“
Yeah, working with my dad, that’ll be cool.”

“
I’ll schedule us on completely opposite shifts. Maybe then it won’t feel like you’re working with your dad.”

“
I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”

“
And you might not know what you want for a very long time.”

“
I thought I knew what I wanted.”

“
Ah, yes, you wanted the girl. Well, let me tell you something . . . and I mean no disrespect for your mother but we met in high school and things were never pretty. You know that. But I really thought she was the one. And there is a part of me that has always regretted being that blind. I’m not saying she was a horrible person or anything. She just wasn’t right for me. And I knew that. Deep down I knew that. And, in a way, I feel guilty because that kept us from both being happy. If I had just told her early on, if I had not tried to fool myself, then we could have both moved on much earlier. But it took a little maturity to realize we were all wrong together. Of course, if we had went our separate ways earlier, then we wouldn’t have had you. That’s the silver lining. That’s the fate part of it. That we were not brought together out of true love. We were brought together to bring you into the world.”

“
Gee, thanks.” Steven turned his head around and looked at Connor. “Are you high or something?”

“
Of course not.”

“
Drunk?”

“
Well, maybe a little this afternoon but that’s worn off now.”

“
Nauseating. That’s what you are.”

“
You’re drowning me with negative energy.”

“
You’re killing my doombuzz.”

“
Doombuzz?”

“
Yeah.”

“
There’s no such thing.”

“
Yes there is . . . And you’re killing it.”

“
So, are you going to your graduation?”

“
No. Definitely not.”

“
Why not?”

“
Why bother? It’s just a stupid ceremony. I get to wear a cheap rented gown and walk down an aisle and stand there while lots of boring things happen. Oh, and if I’m lucky, I’ll get to go out into the parking lot and throw my hat up in the air. Mmmm, now that’s what I call excitement.”

“
I don’t suppose you would go just for me, would you? Chances are, you’re going to be the only child I get to see at graduation.”

“
As much as I would like to do it for you, I just don’t think I can. You don’t really care anyway, do you?”

“
Maybe I’m getting sentimental in my old age.”

“
Or senile.”

“
It’s a proud moment. It’s an accomplishment.”

“
Yes, indeed. Graduating from a public school with average grades so I can take my diploma and get into a community college if I want to.”

“
Why do you make everything sound so negative?”

“
The doombuzz, man.” Connor wasn’t sure, but he thought he could see Steven smirking on the couch. That was probably as close as he would get to a laugh.

“
Just try not to be so sad, okay?”

“
No. What are you reading? I bet it has trolls in it.”

“
And a wizard.”

“
Of course. Always the wizard. Why do you read that garbage?”

“
It makes me happy.”

“
Again with that word.”

“
Jeez, you’re bringin me down.”

“
Straight to hell, old man.”

“
I’m done with you.” Connor picked up his book.

Only, he wasn’t really done with him. They stayed in the living room together for the next few hours, Steven channel surfing while Connor read his book. Even though they didn’t really talk, he liked the time. It was a different kind of closeness and he was just happy he could be there for Steven to talk to if he wanted.

The days leading up to graduation were similar to that one. Connor and Steven staying close together, both of them relishing the closeness but not really saying anything about it. In a way, he was disappointed that Steven had apparently broken up with the girl but, in another way, it felt like he had one of his friends back. He hadn’t realized how used to Steven being in the house he had grown. Even if he was in his room listening to music, it was comforting to know he was there.

Occasionally, he would ask Steven about graduation. Steven accused him of “wheedling” and essentially brushed off his comments and suggestions. Connor proposed they do something else for graduation like go to a movie or something. Steven told him he would rather stay in his room and brood. Connor informed him, even though he was nearly graduated, he was not yet eighteen and told him he could legally make him do just about anything he wanted. So Steven agreed to go to dinner and a movie with his dad in lieu of the graduation ceremony. He asked him if he would wear the robe when he went out and Steven said only if he didn’t have to wear anything under it.

On the morning of the graduation, Connor woke up and went to work. It was a sunny, crisp, beautiful morning. He would come home from work early and take Steven out.

Sixteen

Graduation Night Part One

Connor drove Steven to a restaurant in Alton. There they ate an abundance of Italian food and drank a bottle of wine. No one bothered asking for Steven’s ID, a precursor to this glorious realm of adulthood he was about to enter.
Well,
he thought,
if all else fails, at least I can become an alcoholic.
After dinner, they went to see a movie at the only thing resembling an art theater Alton had. It was a small, two-screen theater called the Abode. On one screen, they played all the big Hollywood movies most people paid to see. On the other screen, they ran smaller movies: foreign films, old horror movies, cult classics, low budget independent things. They watched a fairly unremarkable film with what Steven thought was at least a humorous premise: a priest and a pedophile hijack a van and take a cross-country trek to Disneyland. There were a few entertaining scenes but it came off more as a bad John Waters attempt than anything incredibly original. They were two of only five people in the theater.

After the movie, on their way to the parking garage, Connor playfully punched Steven on the arm and said, “I’ve had a pretty good time.”

“
Yeah, me too,” Steven said, more to placate his dad than anything. Truthfully, he had not enjoyed a single moment since Elise had dumped him. At least, he was pretty sure that was what she did. He didn’t really know. He hadn’t gone to school since that night and he wasn’t really sure she even had his phone number but he figured she knew where he lived and if she really wanted to see him then she could stop by his house. The whole situation made him feel strange. He was the older one in the relationship but didn’t think that entitled him to immediately know more about relationships. That was the first thing he had even remotely resembling a relationship. Elise had at least admitted to having boyfriends before.

If all else failed, he thought he could maybe go back to stalking her. But he knew he wouldn’t do that. Maybe it wasn’t even truly over. Maybe they just needed some time apart. Maybe Elise had pushed him away so his throbbing libido would have some time to cool. If so, that probably wasn’t a bad idea.

Steven and Connor got into his dad’s rickety car and began the drive home.

“
We should make this a weekly kind of thing or something,” Connor said.

“
Yeah, sure, that’d be good.”

The rest of the drive was very similar to this, Connor trying to start some thread of conversation and Steven dampening it with short, soulless answers. It was a dark, clear night. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Not a Deathbreaker up there. A waning moon hung overhead. The stars seemed vengeful. He guessed graduation was over by now.

“
So are you still glad you didn’t go to graduation?” Connor asked, as though reading his mind.

“
Yeah, I never even really thought about it.”

“
I think this was a good alternative. Probably more fun for me too. If I recall, graduations are not usually that entertaining.”

“
See, I knew you didn’t really want to go.”

“
Oh, but I did want to go. You have to promise me you’ll go to your college graduation. That is something I have never had the pleasure of attending.”

“
Why didn’t you ever go to college?”

“
I went, once or twice. I just couldn’t get into it. Married too young and then we had you and then it was more important to work and make money. Besides, I’ve always thought working in a bookstore probably gave me a better literature education than any university. You get to read a lot . . . plus, you get to see what people are actually buying. Trust me, after working in a bookstore, you stop thinking James Joyce is the all-important writer.”

“
I guess you think Stephen King is more important, huh?”

“
No, not more important. You just have to wonder how much of an impact a writer can have if no one reads him.”

“
That’s true. I always knew you were a populist at heart.”

“
Give the people what they want.”

Steven chuckled, thinking his father was probably telling him the exact opposite of what he actually felt. About halfway home, Connor stopped at a red light and the car shimmied violently.

“
When are you going to give this thing up and buy a real car?”

“
You mean a
new
car?”

“
No, just something that runs. If this car were a horse it would have been shot a long time ago.”

“
No, it’s Old Reliable.”

“
What, you can rely on it to break down every month?”

“
At least it’s expected. I hate to be taken unawares.”

“
It scares me just to ride in it.”

“
Try driving it sometime.”

They cruised along the state route, ready to make a right hand turn onto Gethsemane Pike. Connor took the turn and sped the car up to well over sixty. Once off the state route, the roads were relatively unpopulated and unpoliced. The car shook brutally around sixty but smoothed out after Connor added a few more miles per hour. As they entered the outskirts of Gethsemane, he had to nearly slam on his brakes. There was a wall of fog beginning right before they reached Green Heights. Out in the fields.

“
Shit,” Connor muttered.

“
Foggy,” Steven said, thinking about that night at the water tower.

“
To say the least. It’s like driving through a fucking cloud.”

Connor grew a bit more comfortable with the fog and put on a little more gas. Then the car hit something and he slammed on the brakes.

Steven’s heart leapt up into the back of his throat.

“
Are you okay?” Connor asked.

“
Yeah. I’m fine. What the hell was that?”

“
Probably just a deer.”

Connor pulled the car over onto the side of the road and they got out. He looked the car over while Steven wandered back to see if he could find out what it was they had hit. The fog was so thick he could only see a few feet in front of him.

“
Any damage?” he called to Connor.

“
I don’t see any.”

“
I was kind of being sarcastic.”

“
Oh.”

“
Oh God,” Steven muttered as he saw what they had hit.

A large deer lay on the side of the road. It was on its right side, its head thrown back. A large hunk of hide was torn from its left side, exposing its guts. Its legs were drawn up toward the body. It was large and Steven was kind of surprised it hadn’t done more damage to the car. He figured they were probably pretty lucky. They could have been seriously injured if that thing had come through the windshield.

“
What is it?” Connor asked.

“
A huge deer.”

“
Awww
. You mean I hit Bambi?”