The Nothingness of Ben (11 page)

“Come on, Ben. Fuck me harder. Slam your cock into me. Give me your fucking dick. You know how I feel. You know what I want.”

“Say it.”

“Fuck me harder.”

“Say it, goddamnit!”

“I’m only happy when your cock is in my ass.”

Ben fucked in a frenzy until he was arching his back and coming into David’s butt. He could feel the spurts before his orgasm began, wave after wave of pleasure coursing through his body, depositing itself into David’s now battered asshole. Finally, Ben collapsed on top of him, reaching down to grab the condom as he pulled his dick out. He tossed it on the floor next to the bed and knelt down between David’s legs. It took Ben less than a minute to get him off. He loved sucking dick and went down on David’s with gusto, working him with his hand and mouth until Ben felt the familiar taste of come at the back of his throat. Afterward, Ben wanted to lie there in the stink of sex, but David hopped off the bed and went into the bathroom to clean up.

As they fell asleep, Ben thought about the unexpected day. He liked having a friend who knew him well enough to show up like that. But then he thought about Travis. What was that look on his face when he’d seen David? Was he jealous? And what did Travis need to tell him? Ben just didn’t buy that their argument was all a misunderstanding. Travis knew he was pushing up against his knee at dinner. They both did. And that comment at midnight, about nobody to kiss but each other? Please. Ben had no room in his life for games. Much better to be with someone who knew what he wanted. He wrapped his arms around David, rubbing his stubble against the back of David’s neck, reminding him of fucking and making him hard again. He reached over to the nightstand and got another condom. He put it on and gently maneuvered his cock into David’s ass. After a few minutes they fell asleep like that, legs intertwined, one inside the other, breathing softly.

Chapter 9

B
EN
squeezed Travis from behind, his arms around him, holding him close. He ran a finger down his neck, up the slope of his shoulder, and then across his arm. His alabaster skin felt cool to the touch. Travis looked like he had been carved from marble, his form smoothed to perfection by the incessant sanding of an overenthusiastic sculptor. His red hair, flecked with blond and gold, caught the morning sunlight in crazy ways as it streamed through the east window. He only pretended to be asleep. He pushed his butt up against Ben. Maybe he could rub his knee under the table and call it an accident, but he wanted to see Travis talk his way out of this one. Ben kissed him on the earlobe.

Travis responded by reaching back and pulling him in closer.

“I want you to fuck me, Ben.”

“It’s about time.”

“Ben? Stop. Are you asleep? Wake up, Ben
.
”

B
EN
sat up as David turned around in bed.

“Shit,” Ben said. “Sorry, I was still asleep. Did I hurt you?”

“No, of course not. It’s just that you aren’t wearing a condom.”

“Oh.” He had been dreaming of Travis but about to fuck David. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize. Put one on and keep going.”

Ben thrust his head back onto the pillow and pulled away. Everything felt wrong in the light of day.

“I think we should probably skip the morning round. Cade will be up soon.”

“Got it,” said David, obviously disappointed.

They dressed and went into the kitchen, where the others soon joined them. Ben kept his distance from David for the rest of the day. The more he thought about the dream, the more uncomfortable he felt being around David. He wanted to talk to Travis and hear what he had to say, but Colin and David weren’t flying back to New York until Sunday. Colin rented a car
and
a driver to take Jason shopping. David took Cade and Quentin to a Longhorns basketball game, which Cade loved and Quentin tolerated because he thought David was kind of cool. They were giving Ben some alone time, which he appreciated. He just wished that Travis would come home.

That evening everyone gathered in the kitchen as David prepared a gourmet spread. His style stood in stark contrast to Travis’s, even though they shared the same intent. They both liked to take care of people with food. Ben didn’t even notice that Quentin had left until he heard the front door open, followed by the sound of Travis’s voice. A few seconds later, the two of them came into the kitchen.

Ben had never been happier to see anyone in his life.

“Travis!” yelled Cade, running over to give him a punch and a hug.

“We hadn’t seen him in a few days,” explained Quentin. “So I had to make sure he was still alive. He was eating a bowl of cereal for dinner.”

“I’m sorry, Ben. I tried to tell him no, but….”

“It’s true. I dragged him out of the house against his will.”

Travis looked disheveled, like he hadn’t showered or slept in a couple of days.

“What’s wrong with you, Travis?” Cade asked. “You look kind of sick.”

“I’m fine, little man. Been working a lot, that’s all.”

“Come on in,” Ben insisted. “It’s fine, really. I’m glad you came over. Meet my friends. This is Colin. We went to law school together.”

Colin eyed Ben suspiciously and then stepped forward to shake Travis’s hand.

“Ben told me you’ve been helping out with his brothers.”

“I’m trying to do what I can.”

“That’s very decent of you. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“And,” continued Ben, “you met David last night. We didn’t go to law school together.”

“Hi, Travis,” David said, stepping around the kitchen island to shake his hand. “I hope you’re hungry?”

“I’m starving, actually.”

“Great. Then let’s sit down to eat.”

T
HEY
had to squeeze an extra chair in to make room for seven people. Everyone gave their compliments to the chef, who had produced a wide assortment of appetizers from around the world.

“When did y’all get in?” asked Travis as he munched on some Korean spring rolls. Ben looked at him and wondered if his tousled appearance had anything to do with their argument on New Year’s Eve and David’s subsequent arrival.

“You know,” Colin said, “I hear that all the time in movies but I never believed people actually talk that way. This is a genuine Texas moment I’m having.”

Travis looked confused.

“Colin,” Ben said. “Stop being a douche.”

“I apologize, Travis. I have never heard anyone use the contraction
y’all
before. I mean, not in an actual conversation. It’s not a comment about you. Clearly I need to get out of Manhattan more.” He turned to Jason and whispered, “I embarrass your brother sometimes,” which made Jason giggle. There had been some major bonding during their shopping expedition. “Anyway, to answer your question, we came in yesterday. Uninvited, I might add. Walsh has a problem asking for help.”

“Men have a problem asking for help,” said Travis.

“Amen,” agreed Colin.

“Well, I’m sure you’re gonna miss having him around New York.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it.”

That’s when Jason blurted out, “We’re moving to New York City!”

Travis looked at Ben, startled.

“Not right away,” Ben explained, hesitating. “They… want to finish out the school year and then… yes, it’s likely that we’ll all be heading back to New York.”

Travis picked up his glass of water and took a large gulp.

“Boy, a lot’s changed since I’ve been gone.”

“I’m going to go to an all-boys school,” Cade told him.

“Really, Cade? That’s great.”

“Too bad you had to work today. You could have come to the basketball game with us.”

“Yeah, that’s too bad.” Travis said.

There was a long silence at the table.

“So,” Colin said, changing the subject, “what are you studying, Travis?”

Ben froze.

Shit
.

He had forgotten all about the lie he told to Colin. He never dreamed the two of them would actually meet. He scrambled to think of an explanation, but he had boxed himself into a corner. He could feel Travis looking at him.

“Did Ben tell you I was a student?”

“Yes, he did,” Colin answered. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most PhDs are six or seven years, and a law degree is only three. We’d still be in school too if we weren’t lawyers.”

David and Colin, of course, noticed nothing at first. Quentin, Jason, and Cade knew that Travis fixed cars for a living and didn’t understand why Ben would have told Colin otherwise. Ben’s heart broke when he saw the ashen look on Travis’s face and knew that he had made a terrible mistake.

“Why would you tell him that?” Travis pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Travis. I didn’t think….”

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“What’s going on here?” David asked Quentin.

“Travis is not a student. He’s an auto mechanic. It seems Ben lied and told Colin otherwise, though I haven’t figured out why that was necessary.”

“What?” exclaimed Colin. “Why would you tell me he was a grad student if he wasn’t?”

“Because,” Ben answered. “You were asking me twenty questions and I didn’t want to hear some ‘grease monkey’ comment when I told you what he did for a living. It was a stupid thing to do. If I had known….”

David interrupted him. “Why were you asking him twenty questions?”

“You really screwed the pooch this time,” Quentin said.

Travis got up from the table.

“Don’t leave,” Colin protested. “So he told a little white lie. Since he can demonstrate absence of malice, why don’t we all settle the case and move on?”

“Do you always cover his ass like that?” asked Travis.

“Excuse me?”

Travis looked like he might be sick to his stomach.

“I gotta git,” he said, flying out the front door without bothering to close it behind him.

No one said anything for several moments. Ben gazed down at his plate but could feel everyone staring at him, especially Quentin and Cade. Finally, he looked up at David, who wore his own brand of renewed disappointment.

“That,” Colin whispered to Jason, “is how they do it
Jersey Shore
style.”

“Shut up!” David barked. “Ben, can I talk to you? In private?”

“Do we have to do this now?”

“I can leave now if you want, or we can talk and then I can leave. It’s up to you.”

“David,” Colin interrupted. “You’re overreacting. Everyone’s overreacting.”

David ignored him. “Ben?”

“Okay. Let’s step outside. The rest of you stay where you are.”

Ben followed David to the front door and then stepped out onto the porch. He looked across the street.

No more lights.

“Do you have feelings for him?” David asked once Ben had closed the door behind him.

“What are you talking about? I met the guy two weeks ago.”

“And you met me two months ago. You would only be embarrassed about what he did for a living if you had feelings for him. That’s why you lied to Colin. You were ashamed to tell your best friend you’re into somebody who fixes cars for a living.”

“You’re insane.”

“No, something’s going on. You told me he was nobody, but that’s not true. I saw it on his face when he stopped by last night. He’s somebody. He needed to talk to you. And this morning, when you were still asleep, you were dreaming about someone else. I’m sure of it. It was him, wasn’t it?”

“No.”

“Don’t lie to me too.”

“Okay,” Ben said in surrender. “Yes. It was him. Are you happy now? I’m as lost as any human being on the planet. I don’t know which end is up or what direction I’m going in. I know you want us to move forward, but I can’t be responsible for you right now. I just became a dad to three teenage boys! I’m ten years younger than you, David. I don’t have space in my head for this.”

“Then why did you fuck me last night?” David asked, accusing him, his eyes glassy with tears.

“I don’t know. I was lonely and horny and I ended up thinking with my dick. But I was happy to see you. You’re an amazing guy. It’s just….”

“Not going to work out.”

Ben paused. Then he said,

“No, it’s not. Not the way you want it to.” He reached out his hand but David moved away.

“This was a mistake after all. Coming here. I should never have listened to Colin.”

“David, it’s better this way. You can go back to New York and get on with your life. Instead of waiting for me.”

“I would have, you know. Waited for you.”

Silence.

“I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

Ben nodded. “I’m sorry.”

David turned around and walked back into the house. Ben stayed on the porch and thought about what he would say to his brothers, not to mention Travis. A moment later, Colin opened the door and stuck his head out.

“Is it safe to approach?” he asked.

“Yes, come on,” replied Ben, waving him onto the porch. “I’m sorry you got involved in all this.”

“Please,” said Colin as he stepped out and closed the door behind him, “don’t apologize to me. Well, maybe at least tell me it was a momentary lapse in judgment. Do you honestly think it matters to me if you date a mechanic?”