The Lost Blogs (19 page)
Authors: Paul Davidson
How does it work? I’m sure you’re asking yourself.
You eat bread. Any and all kinds of bread. All the time. For breakfast, a few slices of toast, with a sourdough roll on the
side. For lunch, garlic bread, bread sticks, sandwiches (without anything in the middle of course). Snacks in the afternoon
(to curb your appetite) can include anything from the Atkins special list of bread products—everything from crackers to pizza
crusts to sticky buns and French toast. As for dinner—something sensible. Perhaps a croissant or a bagel.
The key is this:
no protein, no sugar, nothing other than bread
.
If you want to eat sixteen loaves of bread for dinner… do it! If you want to eat a thousand crackers, have fun! If you want
to eat sixteen hundred bagels, have your way with them.
In the end, I believe—if all you eat is bread, you’ll be trim and slim and notice a sudden increase in energy.
The Atkins Bread Diet
is the revolutionary diet for a new generation and you can order a more detailed pamphlet on the diet by clicking
here
. A sample eating plan can be viewed
here
.
Sure, I have ideas for other diets—but I think this one has the true potential to really change the way we think about eating!
I’m sure it will do the same for you, too!
From:
http://www.blogs.fr/~marie_antoinette/
Subject:
Royal Appearances #43
I am quite certain that the recent sightings of the royals far exceeds the previous week’s events! It is, to say the least,
quite enlightening!
It’s no surprise that
Louis XVI
was spotted being fitted for a brand-new crown this week in Paris and I was there to witness it all. Although the previous
one, bejeweled and affixed with some of the most costly accoutrements ever, it has been rumored that XVI was heard to say,
“Is this all?” Apparently, some Kings prefer their heads to be weighted down with the fortunes of a thousand kingdoms so that
fatigue far outweighs their desire for physical intimacy with their Queens!
Fashion designer
Rose Bertin
was seen visiting the exclusive château, La Petit Trianon, mere days ago—rumors have it that she’s designing an elegant gown
for none other than, well…
Queen Marie Antoinette
. Although details have yet to be revealed as for what event such a stunning gown should be created, murmurs point to a special
Parisian opera ball, mere days away.
Rumors are swirling around royal palaces here in France that
Louis XVI
may very well consider appointing the
duc de Guines
as France’s ambassador to England. While it is no surprise that Guines happens to be close acquaintances with none other
than me, it is apparent that yours truly has no influence in this matter. For Guines, who would make a magnificent ambassador,
we here at
Marie Antoinette’s Royal Appearances
suspect that the deed may be done before you’ve finished reading these writings!
Short takes:
Madame Campan
, this week, joins the Queen’s staff as one of her ladies-in-waiting.
Artois
visits the Paris Opera in disguise!
Thérèse de Lamballe
is being considered for the Superintendent of the Queen’s Household! Gambling at Versailles was a certain
Queen
who was said to have walked away with a huge fortune (but we won’t say just who it was for fear of angering the peasants)!
Emperor Joseph II
is seen in a serious discussion with none other than
Louis XVI
—what’s that all about!?
As always, the daily gossip and scandals will appear as they happen here on
Marie Antoinette’s Royal Appearances Weblog
for your entertainment and informational purposes only.
As gossip is never completely reliable, please do not hold me responsible for anything you read here, as the details may not
be fully legitimate.
Spotted a royal doing something strange? Something illegal? Something lascivious? Send your tips to
[email protected]
! Anonymity will be preserved!
From:
http://www.ian_fleming.com/blog/
Subject:
New Jobs, New Opportunities
Indeed, I’ve received quite a handful of ribbings as of late, for my lack of prolific writing here on this digital space.
Rightfully so, such ribbings could never take into consideration my current status as a stockbroker at Rowe and Pitman here
in Bishopsgate. A status of which I am none too pleased.
Of course, the reason for my writing today is to inform my readers that a change is on its way. Yes, you have probably noticed
that I took my
CV
down off this site (that link is now inoperable) due to the fact that I have been offered a position working as the personal
assistant to John Godfrey—the Director of Naval Intelligence of the Royal Navy.
What does such a position mean for yours truly?
Above all, it means that finally my studies at the Sandhurst military academy will come into play, and that I will have to
relocate for the position. The animals of the house will be less than pleased with the change of scenery.
My miniature poodle, “Dr. No”—whom I named after my physician who refused to prescribe medication for my headaches (and which
I previously wrote about
here
) —is still as stubborn as always, and will most likely refuse to even leave this place behind. As for “Moneypenny,” my cockatiel
(whom you remember I won in a night of gambling from an individual who was short, by one single pound) should have no problem,
as her cage is all that matters to her. My rat with the single miscolored digit, “Goldfinger,” well… as long as there’s cheese
he’s up for the lot of it all.
But alas, the calico kitten that goes by the name of “Bonda” (after the South Indian snack made of deep-fried potatoes) will
be the easiest of them all, as he is always able to fit in, in any foreign situations. I must say, I sometimes wish I had
the ability to blend like little Bonda does. He is just the smoothest of all the Fleming family members.
I do have a good feeling about the relocation and the new position, however—it will give me a great opportunity in which to
learn more about the politics behind such a governmental organization… It fascinates me… mostly because I’m quite sure there
are stories worth telling whose inspiration lies in a real-world environment such as that.
As always, you can keep in touch with me by sending correspondence
here
. I will not abandon you, that is for sure—but it may be some time before I can write again.
From:
http://www.13colonies.com/~samuel_adams/
Subject:
Failing Old Samuel
Those who follow these trivial matters may recall the dark times that befell the Adams family in 1748— upon which my father
and the patriarch of the Adams family, Old Samuel Adams, allowed death to do him in. Family responsibility stepped in, and
yours truly took over the reins of the family brewery.
I fear as though all my hard work has now been for naught—as our brewery, that which I have attempted to draw success to,
looks to be on its final legs. And so, here I sit, preparing to shut down that which brought Old Samuel such joy, sixteen
years after his passing.
What follows such a low moment? I have wondered. Some suggest that an education from Harvard College should leave me in the
best of situations. That while a brewery might have been a possible pathway in life, that a new direction is not wholly strange
or inappropriate. It is thoughts and suggestions like these that direct me toward politics, where I believe a difference can
fully be made—especially when such a difference can be made in response to the harmful legislature being levied by the supreme
magistrate.
Then again, my instincts go back to that of the brewery. Many suggest that our family was never meant to run a successful
brewery… That lager and ale had no place alongside the Adams name… That politics and government and education were our destiny.
Still, I cannot help but wonder if years down the line I will find myself regretting the abandonment of such a business opportunity.
That someone else will take such an idea and use it to great effect, while I find myself mired in legal papers and problematic
issues…
Maybe tea. Maybe there’s something for Samuel Adams in the business of tea.
Perhaps.
In the meantime, the brewery has two months left before the doors are shut—if you so feel determined to savor our product,
you must act quickly. For after this, your chance of sampling a lager under the name Samuel Adams will never come again!
Of that, I am sure.
From:
http://www.abbottandcostello.com/blog/
Subject:
Our Newest Blog Comedy Routine
Hey folks, Abbott here! Wanted to thank all our great fans for supporting us over the years by giving you the first look at
our new comedy sketch! We think you’ll like it. But if you don’t, don’t send me any thoughts to
[email protected]
.
Abbott:
So, technology is pretty amazin’, isn’t it, Costello?
Costello:
You know it, boss
.
Abbott:
The way people can share their thoughts from their own personal diaries
…
Costello:
I don’t wanna read any of your personal thoughts. That scares me
.
Abbott:
Oh, relax! The thing is, you gotta get a whole buncha things goin’ before you can just start writin’
.
Costello:
Oh yeah? I didn’t know that. Like what?
Abbott:
Well, you need an I.P. address
.
Costello:
I don’t know about you, but I know where I pee and I don’t need any stinkin’ address to fig’r that out!
Abbott:
No, Costello—not your home address… You gotta let people know that URL!
Costello:
First of all, I’m not the one askin’ you to tell people where you pee—and second of all, I’m not the one who’s ill! You are
ill! Not me!
Abbott:
Costello
…
Costello:
What
.
Abbott:
I didn’t say you were sick. URL!
Costello:
What, like mentally ill?
Abbott:
No, Costello, not mentally ill
.
Costello:
You’re telling me that in order to share my own thoughts with the public
…
Abbott:
Go on
…
Costello:
I gotta… give out my “I pee address” and give ’em the ol’…
Abbott:
URL thing
.
Costello:
And I’m sacrificin’ my own career and doing this for what reason?
Abbott:
To get comments
.
Costello:
To get comments?
Abbott:
Yes. If you let people know your LP. address and that URL… People will come and leave comments
.
Costello:
And tell me that I’m a deranged lunatic, most likely for telling them that I pee
.
Abbott:
Whether or not you tell ’em you’re a deranged lunatic is your own business, Costello… I’m not gonna tell you how to live
your life!
Costello:
But you are!
Abbott:
I’m just telling you how to get people to read what you have to say. To get you a whole bunch of hits
.
Costello: (Flinches here)
Who’s gonna hit me?
Abbott:
Not hit you… Hits
.
Costello:
So, more than one person is gonna hit me?
Abbott:
Well, if you’re lucky—hundreds and thousands
.
Costello:
What!?!?
Abbott:
It’s a good thing, Costello
.
Costello:
I don’t know what kind of world you’re livin’ in, buddy boy, but I don’t consider having people come to my I pee address and
watch me and tell me I’m ill and leave me comments and hit me… to be a good thing
.
Abbott:
Well it’s better than span
.
Costello:
I like Spam
.
Abbott:
You don’t have spam
.
Costello:
Well, I’ve had Spam
.
Abbott:
Once you have spam, you always have spam
.
Costello:
I had Spam last Christmas, then didn’t have Spam until Easter
.
Abbott:
You had spam in December, then no spam until April!? That’s not possible
.
Costello:
Ask my mother!
Abbott:
What does your mother know about spam!?
Costello:
That’s her business! She makes sure everyone in my family gets Spam!
Abbott:
Well, Costello—I can’t say I was ever more disappointed in your mother than at this very moment
.