The Honeymoon Period (The Austin Series) (23 page)

‘You ran
from me Mia, you keep trying to run from me.’

‘I didn’t
bloody run anywhere.’

‘Right,
keep telling yourself that. You run rather than share,’ he said with a scowl.

‘Don’t play
the martyr Gabe, you’ve walked around pretending everything was fine, not
telling me what you were really feeling. It takes you getting pissed to be really
honest with me, so don’t make out this is all on me.’ I scowled back at him
equally fiercely.

‘I’m always
honest with you, Mia.’

‘Right,
that’s why I ended up in tears last night and had to let your dad comfort me.
You tell yourself what you want to hear Gabe, and I’ll do the same. You know
what, go and do your own bloody shopping, suddenly I’m not in the mood for your
shitty company. How’s that for sharing and honesty?’ I threw his keys at him
and sat back in the driver’s seat, facing the hedge and crossed my arms. I bit
my lip to stop myself from saying anymore, I could feel the tension filling the
car and I wasn’t in the mood for it to escalate further.

‘Well, there’s
a surprise. You’re shutting me out,
again
. I guess I should be grateful you
aren’t running.’ I could hear the sarcasm in his voice and felt tears welling
up in my eyes as I turned to face him again.

‘How dare
you, Gabe. I never bloody ran anywhere and don’t take that tone with me, not
after … not after
everything
. I’ve been by your side for the last five
weeks, I’ve played mother, nurse, girlfriend, best friend and all while you’ve
been a gigantic pain in everyone’s arses, even Doug was sick of your mood
swings, but I stuck with you because you’d been through an ordeal and you
needed me. I couldn’t be more committed to you if I tried. Just go already,
before one of us says something we’ll really regret.’

‘If you’ve
something to say Mia, say it.’

‘I pretty
much just did Gabe. Until you can be as honest with me sober as you were drunk
last night, I have nothing more to say. Please go away, I don’t want to deal
with you right now because you’re in one of your ridiculous bullshit accusatory
moods and you’re talking about stuff without having a clue what happened, so go
and leave me alone. See,
I
can be completely honest with
you
.’ I could
feel him watching me so I sat back again and closed my eyes.

‘Now you’re
angry with
me
?’

‘Stop
telling me how I feel Gabe, you’ve no idea. Just leave me alone and go and do
the bloody shopping.’ I wrapped my arms around myself tightly.

‘No, we
need to discuss this.’

‘Stop
pushing me, I shouldn’t have to be the one to tell you what you’re really
feeling on the inside, Gabe. When you can open up to me then we’ll talk. Right
now, I need a time out without you bullying me or accusing me of running. If I
run it’ll be because you made me.’ I heard him sigh and shift in his seat and the
car door open.

‘Will you
be here when I get back?’ his voice was low and softer.

‘O for God’s
sake.’ I opened my eyes and turned to fix him with an incredulous look. ‘What
the hell’s going on with you, Gabe? You’re paranoid. I’m upset and pissed off, which
happens with you
a lot
lately, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving
you or that I’m going to leave you.’

‘Come with
me.’

‘I can’t. I
promise you that I’m being totally honest with you now Gabe, I need some
distance for a minute, time to cool down,’ I looked away and shut my eyes
again.

‘What the
hell
did I say to you, Mia?’ he asked with a heavy sigh. I shook my head and felt
the tears behind my eyelids and heard the door close. I sighed knowing it wasn’t
over, we were going to have to have it out.

I woke with
a start and an overwhelming urge to pee as I heard the boot open and the rustle
of bags. I opened the car door and got out and he shut the boot and stood
looking at me. He looked tired, frustrated and upset.

‘Mia I’m …’

‘I’m sorry,
I need the toilet.’ I ran as quickly as I could and weaved through the cars and
only just made it in time. I sighed with relief and went to wash up and looked
at my face. I looked tired too, with bags under my eyes, even my skin looked
dull. I held onto the sink and hung my head. The last two months
had
been hard and I realised that I’d kept going because I had too. I’d not taken
the time to think about everything, a new relationship, sex, my condition and
operation, new hormone tablets and Lexi’s miscarriage. Not to mention all the
study catch up, Gabe’s accident and recovery and me taking care of him. No
wonder I felt wiped out and on edge. The only time I felt my equilibrium was
restored was when he had his arms around me, even when it was because of him that
I felt out of sorts.

I walked
back through the cars and saw him leaning against his, hands in his jeans
pockets looking at the floor. I stopped and stood watching him and felt my
heart racing, he suddenly looked up, saw me and tilted his head as if trying to
study me to gauge my mood. I ran to him and flung my arms around his neck and
kissed him, taking him by surprise before I put my cheek against his chest.

‘I don’t
want to fight anymore,’ I whispered.

‘Neither do
I ,Mia,’ his arms went around me and tightened and he let out a big sigh. ‘I
called my dad to ask him what happened and he said I needed to talk to you.’

‘You don’t
tell me how you really feel, Gabe.’

‘I do Mia,
I always tell you how much I love you. Isn’t it enough? Don’t I show you
enough?’

‘Of course
you do Gabe, you’re feelings for me couldn’t be clearer, but you think I don’t
love you back the same.’ I closed my eyes and nuzzled his chest.

‘I said
that?’

‘Yes and you
obviously feel it Gabe, you only say what you feel and last night you said to
me ... you said “
it’s ok that you don’t love me, not like I love you.”
Do you know how hurtful that was to hear? I couldn’t love you more if I tried.’

‘I know you
love me Mia, I don’t know why I’d say something like that. I’m so sorry.’ I
felt his arms tighten around me.

‘You said
it because you think I don’t want to marry you or have children with you
because I don’t love you enough and that’s not true.’

‘O fuck
Mia, I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t
apologise for what you said Gabe, I want you to be able to be honest with me. You
need to apologise for not telling me how you felt before, that shouldn’t have
only happened as a drunken slip up. You were so upset, you were crying and then
you told me we weren’t allowed to talk about it, then you begged me not to
leave you as you sobbed. I’m upset that you feel like this and don’t share it
with me.’ I felt his lips graze the back of my neck and he buried his face in
my hair.

‘Mia, why
didn’t you say something this morning?’

‘You’d forgotten
what you’d said Gabe, and I didn’t want to argue. We’ve spent the last five
weeks arguing about ridiculous petty stuff and I’m sick and tired of it. I just
want things to go back to normal, for us to have fun again and trust each
other. After everything we’ve just been through, you really think I’ll leave
you?’

‘I’m scared
that you will because you know what I want and you don’t want the same. It’s
what I’d do for you. I love you enough to let you walk away if you were
unhappy, hoping you’d find happiness with someone else, even though I’d die to
see you in someone else’s arms, I just couldn’t bear to make you miserable,’ he
said with a shaky voice. I felt his fingers stroking the back of my bare neck
and closed my eyes and enjoyed his touch. The thought of never feeling it again
made me shiver.

‘I’m the
same, Gabe. If you were unhappy with me, I’d want you to end it and go and find
someone else.’

‘I won’t be
happy with someone else Mia, I could never be happy without you. I want a
family with you and yes … it makes me incredibly sad that you don’t want that
with me, but I want
you
more. I already told you that.’

I lifted my
head and looked at him. ‘But to think it’s because I don’t love you …’ I
faltered and had to take a deep breath.

‘Then what
is it, Mia? You want to live with me, you see us together long term, but you
never
see those things in our future?

‘It’s not
you Gabe, it’s me. We’ve touched on this, I’ve a whole load of baggage that I’m
trying to deal with because I want to get there Gabe, I want to be in a
position to give you what you want, to make you happy, but you need to let me
deal with this in my own time, alone.’

‘Deal with
it with me, Mia.’

‘I can’t.
Don’t you see? It’s not about you, it was all there before you and it will all still
be there even if you walk away from me. It’s got nothing to do with you, it’s
about my fucked up ideas about relationships and marriage that I have to sort
for myself. I haven’t been going to Pilates on Wednesday’s the last two months
like you assumed. I’ve been having counselling, because I’m trying, Gabe. I’m
really trying to deal with it all because you’ve made me want to, because I
want to make you happy.’

‘You do
make me happy Mia, so happy.’

‘But you
want me to commit to more.’

‘Yes,’ he
nodded with a sigh. ‘I told you I’m of the belief that when two people love
each other, in time they naturally progress to marriage and children.’

‘Gabe,
you’ve made me want to explore the idea of having those things with you, which
is a
massive
step, but it’s going to take hundreds more little ones for
me to catch you up and be in that place with you. I’m trying so hard and to
hear you telling me it’s not working I ...’ I broke off and sighed.

‘O God
baby, I’m so sorry. It
is
working, look at us. You wanted no strings sex
when you met me and now we’re in love and we’ll be moving into our own place
soon. Whatever you’re doing
is
working because we’re still together.
You’re really looking to the future though, about wanting to have those things
with me?’

‘Yes,’ I
whispered as my heart raced so fast I thought I was about to have a heart
attack.

‘Mia,
you’ve no idea what that means to me. Just knowing that makes me feel so much
better.’

‘Your dad
has offered for me to see his therapist.’

‘Dr.
Jarvis?’

‘Yes.’

‘He wants
me to see him too.’

‘I agreed I
would, Gabe. I’ll do it for us and I hope that in time maybe we can discuss the
rest as a couple, but I’m nowhere near there yet. I want to make you happy but
I need time that you’re simply not giving me.’

‘Then I’ll
try to respect that Mia, I can’t lose you, not now.’

‘I’ve had
to deal with a lot in the last two months Gabe, and I’m pretty amazed
I’ve
made it through it all, let alone us as a couple and that tells me how much I
must love you. You need to trust that I do and that I’m trying with the rest, I
really am and I’d really like you to have therapy too. Robert told me you’d
told him about your mum and you don’t realise how much it affects you. It
manifests in this side of you that panics and puts pressure on me.’

‘I’ve
already agreed with Dad this morning that I’d go Mia, I know I’ve been out of
sorts lately and you’ve put up with so much. You’re so amazing baby, I can’t
believe the things you do for me without telling me.’

‘I love
you, you just need to believe that Gabe,’ I whispered. He let go of me and
brushed his thumbs on the side of my face, clasped it and kissed me and I
pushed into him as I responded. He spun me around and pinned me up against the
car, pressing against me as his lips worked furiously on mine making me dizzy.

‘Why did
you look after me last night after I hurt you?’

‘You were
upset and I knew it’d calm you,’ I uttered between catching my breath.

‘But what
about you?’

‘I just
wanted to comfort you, Gabe. It wasn’t about me.’

‘Mia,’ he
sighed. I could feel the appreciation in his voice washing over me and I closed
my eyes and when I opened them I recognised the lust in his. He grabbed my hand
and led me around to the passenger side and pushed me back against the car
again. I felt my pulse speed up as he looked at me, stepped forward and undid
the button and zip on my jeans. He pinned me down again and kissed me, his
tongue working its way around mine as his hands slid up my jumper and reached
my bare breasts and we both gasped at the contact. He moved onto my neck as his
thumbs stroked my nipples.

‘Gabe, stop,’
I gasped, secretly begging him not to.

‘It’s ok
baby, no one’s near us, enjoy it. I know what relaxes and calms you too.’ He
ran his tongue up my neck and pulled on my nipples, making me moan, before one
hand slid down my stomach and into my knickers and I parted my legs to allow him
further down. ‘You’re always so compliant parting your thighs for me.’

‘Because you
always make me come when I do,’ I groaned. His finger parted my puffy flesh and
found my eager clit as he returned his mouth to mine, hot and heavy and he
continued to ply my breast. I held his head with one hand as I lifted my jumper
up to place the other on top of his and pressed his fingers tighter around me. He
worked on my clit expertly, despite the tight encasement of my jeans and I
started to make small pelvic movements as I felt myself responding inside. I had
to pull away from his mouth to draw in some air and bit on his ear lobe. ‘Shit,
how do you … know just where … to touch me?’ I felt my eyes roll back as I
closed them and knew I was close when I felt a warmth spreading inside me,
making me even slicker for his touch.