Restore Your Marriage & Fall in Love Again (2 page)

With married life, couples begin to encounter new challenges, roles and responsibilities. Conflicts arise and sometimes go unresolved. Tensions build. Commitments weaken. Mutual respect is not always present. And, unconditional love and acceptance wane.

No one ever said that marriage was easy. Marriage is hard work. To keep a marriage strong, satisfying and lasting requires a great deal of investment. It takes time and energy to get to know and understand your spouse, to set goals and share dreams together, and to have fun and enjoy each other. Couples sometimes lose touch with one another and grow apart when they get lax and do not work on their marriage. Yet when they do, they are much more likely to feel very close and deeply cared for by their partner.

Couples who invest in their marriages can build deep friendships. Researchers have found that the level of a couple's friendship is the greatest indicator of success in marriage. Couples who are close and are best friends have more happiness and satisfaction in their lives. Best friends are trustworthy, safe, understanding, loving, accepting and respectful. Best friends are a strong buffer in times of trouble. You can count on them. They are supportive and faithful. Best friends can work through conflicts and pressures that threaten the relationship. Best friends do not give up on each other. They forgive. They share.

You may have been your spouse's partner and lover, but have you been your spouse's best friend? Friendships need to be nurtured. If you are willing to invest in your friendship, give it the attention it needs to grow, the time it needs to flourish, and the commitment it needs to withstand the attacks that come against it.

SAY IT & BELIEVE IT
Read aloud (individually or together):*

Today I choose to make friendship with
(
spouse’s name
)
a priority. Our friendship has not been given the care and attention it needs. I realize that there is more I can do to nurture it. I am willing to invest the time necessary to draw closer to _____. I want to grow together, share dreams, laugh more often and enjoy one another.

I want to be the best friend I can be to _____. Best friends really like each other and enjoy being together. From this day forward, I will be devoted to building a close friendship with _____. I will value the time that we spend together. I will be a caring and true friend that is supportive and wants the best for _____. I will be devoted to keeping friendship a priority in my marriage.

I will make friendship with my spouse a priority and nurture it with my time and attention.

PUT IT INTO PRACTICE

1. Define what a best friend means to you and take turns to share your descriptions and expectations.

Complete the following sentence: To me, best friends …. (for ideas see below)*

Best friends
accept each other just the way they are.

Best friends
can be completely honest with each other.

Best friends
can be trusted with secrets.

Best friends
can talk about anything and not fear being judged or rejected.

Best friends
build each other up instead of tear each other down.

Best friends
want what is best for each other.

Best friends
are happy for one another’s success.

Best friends
help each other in any way they can.

Best friends
laugh and cry together.

Best friends
will tell you the truth instead of flatter you.

Best friends
forgive each other and don’t hold grudges.

Best friends
are available to listen.

Best friends
really know and understand each other.

Best friends
enjoy one another’s company.

Best friends
are supportive and stand together through good times and bad times.

Best friends
value and respect each other.

2. Reflect back on the times you and your spouse enjoyed being together. Share a special memory with each other. What do you remember about that time and what made it so special?

3. Make a list of three things you and your spouse can do to nurture your friendship. Share your ideas with one another and decide on at least one thing you can do together this week.

Following are some suggestions:
Go for a walk in the park

Call or text each other during lunch to check in and say hello
Plan and cook a meal together
Say “I love you” each morning and/or before bed

Look through photo albums and share memories

Tell each other what makes the other partner a great friend
Hold hands while you sit together watching television or shopping

THINK ABOUT IT

We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it. ~John Lennon

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. ~Ann Landers

If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it. ~Mother Teresa

However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad. ~Arnold H. Glasgow

You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together. ~ Nicholas Sparks,
The Notebook

*
Free downloadable pdfs are available for SAY IT & BELIEVE IT affirmations and Best Friends Poster. To access:
click here
and enter password (found in the Resources section at the end of this book).

When our partners make promises to us, we usually expect and hope that they will keep them. We want to be able to trust our spouse and have the security of knowing we can count on his or her word. When couples make their marriage vows to each other, they make promises. Vows are promises. They usually include notions of affection (promises to love and respect one another) as well as faithfulness (promises to remain true and to stay together).

The following is an excerpt of typical marriage vows made by so many. I am sure they will sound familiar:

"To have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

Why are vows sometimes hard to keep? It is because relationships are hard work! When difficult times come (and they will), when feelings or circumstances change, there is one thing that will keep a couple together and that is their commitment to their marriage. Their feelings for their partner may have changed; their relationship may have grown apart, and they do not feel as committed to it as they once had. But regardless, they can choose to hold fast to their commitment, not give up, work on resolving conflicts, and adjusting to challenging circumstances. It may be the most difficult thing to do, but the rewards can be well worth it. The relationship may not only be saved, but it can grow stronger.

Let us look again at some of the promises couples make to one another:

They promise: For better or for worse. So when it gets worse, they work together to make it better.

They promise: For richer or poorer. So when financial problems arise, they work together to resolve them.

They promise: In sickness and in health. If sickness or tragedy strikes, or when they grow old, they cope with the challenges together and support each other in any way they can.

They promise: to love and to cherish. They can do this when they understand that true love is more than a feeling. It is a commitment.

And finally, they promise each other: Till death do us part. That means that they will remain faithful, resist temptations, and stay committed to their marriage for as long as they live.

Now that is a huge commitment with some very serious promises! Our promises are our pledges to do or not do something. When we make promises, we usually intend to keep them. And we expect promises made to us to be kept as well. They are not meaningless words spoken on a whim. We trust that they are spoken from the heart. And we believe them and take them seriously.

SAY IT & BELIEVE IT
Read aloud (individually or together):

Today I will remember the promises I have made to
(
spouse’s name
)
. When it feels like things are getting worse, I will not quit trying and believing that they will get better. When financial stressors arise, I will not allow them to come between me and _____. Instead, I will do my best to work together as a team. If _____ becomes ill or his/her life is compromised, I will be supportive in any way that I can. I will not abandon my loved one.

I will keep my promises and stay true to _____. When tempted to get my needs met outside of my marriage, I will resist the temptation. If I find it too difficult, I will get help. I will talk to someone who will hold me accountable for my actions. I choose to take the commitment I made to _____ very seriously. During times when I may not feel in love, I will remember to not rely on my feelings because true love is not some fleeting emotion, but an action. I choose to act on love today and take my commitment seriously.

The commitment and promises I make to my spouse are important to me and my marriage, and I choose to keep them.

PUT IT INTO PRACTICE

Review the marriage vows and commitment you have made to one another and share what they mean to you. Then, answer and discuss the following questions:

Has your commitment changed? If so, how has it changed?
What are some of the promises you made to your spouse?
Have you kept them? Explain.
What is different today than when you first made the promise(s)?
What other vows have you made to your partner?
How serious have you been about keeping them?

Review the following areas of commitment and talk about the promises you might have made to one another. Describe the expectations you have in your marriage.

Faithfulness, Loyalty

Financial problems, losses and stress

Sickness (physical and mental)

Other areas of commitment you may want to discuss: Parenting, Tragedy, Aging
A fun and meaningful exercise: