Rachel and Leah (Women of Genesis) (37 page)

The flocks and herds were prospering. The servants were eager for the festivities surrounding the wedding, even though the preparations caused more work for everyone.

Leah wondered for a while if her unease was caused by the tender way everyone was treating her—the older sister who would stand there unmarried at her younger sister’s wedding. Leah didn’t even bother to reassure them—her heart was at peace when it came to marriage. Leah was in the hands of the Lord—if he wanted her to marry, there would be a husband. Meanwhile, she would rejoice at her sister’s wedding, and be happy to have Jacob for a brother.

Perhaps I’m so restless and fretful because I’m going to die. Couldn’t that be the message the Lord has for me? Now that Rachel is getting married, and I’m not, perhaps God will
bring me home and relieve me of this blurred and shadowed life. To see God with clear eyes! But that would be perfect happiness—why would a premonition of my death wake me in the night, full of anxiety? No, that wasn’t what was bothering her.

It could only be Rachel.

As far as Leah could see, Rachel was behaving as she normally did—all the same routines, in and out of camp, tending to the flocks. It was as if the wedding weren’t even happening. That, of course, was unusual—most girls, even servant girls, became excited in the days before they married, chatted constantly, gave away their childish toys, put on womanly airs, walked about as if in a dream.

There was none of that with Rachel. If anything she grew quieter and kept to herself even more than usual.

But when Leah thought about it, when she paid special attention to Rachel, she realized that what she was feeling was not her own fear, it was her sister’s. Rachel was full of dread and yet dared not show it.

Leah could hear it in the trembling of Rachel’s breath from time to time. In the fidgeting of her fingers. In the slump of her shoulders. The silent sigh that had just the slightest catch in it. The way Rachel hung back when Jacob was near. The slowness of her steps, where once she would have run.

Rachel is unhappy, so I’m unhappy. That’s what’s been waking me up in the darkness.

Once she realized what the problem was, Leah wasted no time. She rose at once from where she sat in Jacob’s dooryard.

Bilhah and Zilpah both stopped what they were doing and looked up at her expectantly.

“Go ahead without me,” Leah said to Bilhah. “Zilpah, will you help me find Rachel?”

In a few moments they were walking along the path that wound through the hills to the nearby flock that Rachel would be tending. “Stay close, mistress,” said Zilpah. “The path drops away steeply here on the right.”

“If I hold tightly enough to you, then at least if I fall and die, I won’t die alone.”

“Very funny,” said Zilpah. “The question is whether you can hold on as strongly as I can shove away.”

“Let’s see!” said Leah. She feinted toward the edge of the path.

Zilpah’s effort to break free was half-hearted at best—she didn’t dare use her full strength, Leah knew, for fear that in their horseplay she’d accidently push Leah off the edge.

“All right,” said Leah. “I’ll be good.”

“Oh,
that
will be a nice change.”

They walked in silence for a while.

“Lady Leah,” said Zilpah. “Why are we looking for Rachel?”

“Because I have to talk with her.”

“What about?”

“I’m worried about her.”

“Well, aren’t we all!”

“Are we? All of us? I’ve heard no talk about it.”

“People don’t talk about the wedding near you, Mistress,” said Zilpah.

“I know,” said Leah. “Isn’t that silly?”

“In the old days, they would have avoided the topic for fear of launching you on a tantrum,” said Zilpah. “But now, it’s because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“Well, what is everyone worried about?”

“Not
everyone
,” said Zilpah. “I meant—all of us who actually know how frightened Rachel is.”

“And who is that?”

“Me,” said Zilpah. “Bilhah, not that
she
ever talks about Lady Rachel behind her back. Hassaweh and Choraz. And your father. Not that he confides in me, either. But you can see how he watches her and gets thoughtful.”

No, I
can’t
see that, thought Leah. But that was nothing new.

“So with all of you concerned about Rachel, I have nothing to worry about?”

“Hardly,” said Zilpah. “Rachel’s not talking to anybody. Your father has tried several times to get her to come to his tent and talk to him about the wedding, but she just blushes and refuses. Or when he presses her and she promises to come, then she just … doesn’t do it.”

“And she doesn’t say why?”

“I think she’s terrified. From what Hassaweh said. From what I saw myself. I think she’s afraid of … but what does it matter what I think? She won’t talk to me about it, so I don’t know any more than you. You’ll see.”

And, for once, Leah
did
see. Rachel greeted them cheerfully enough, but after Zilpah withdrew, when Leah tried to make cheerful conversation with Rachel, she turned back to the sheep she was examining.

“Rachel,” said Leah.

“What?” asked Rachel, a little impatiently. “Can’t you see I’m working?”

“I can see you’re working at a task that could be done tomorrow as easily as today. Or next week. Or next month.”

“Well, next month I won’t be
doing
this, will I?”

“I don’t know,” said Leah. “What are you and Jacob planning?”

“
We’re
not planning anything,” said Rachel.

“Have you asked him what he’s planning?”

“No.”

“Let me guess. When he tries to talk about it, you do to him what you’re doing to me.”

“I’m not doing anything to you.”

“You’re making it very clear you want me to go away and leave you alone.”

“And yet you don’t go.”

“That’s because I love you so much, my darling sister.”

“Oh, I see,” said Rachel. “They’ve all gotten together and chosen
you
to come talk to me about how happy I should be before my wedding.”

“Nobody got together with anybody.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“Because you’re as dumb as two rocks in the road. Nobody’s talking to me about you or the wedding because they’re afraid they’ll hurt my feelings.”

Rachel said nothing.

“You didn’t think of that, did you?” said Leah.

Rachel sighed. “No. Sorry if my wedding is making things hard for you.”

“Ah, there’s the snotty-voiced sister that I was looking for.”

“I didn’t ask for this conversation, Leah.”

“Look, Rachel,” said Leah. “I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s plain that you’re suffering and Zilpah tells me you won’t talk to anybody about it.”

“There’s no ‘it’ to talk about.”

“Good. Then you can go right to Father and tell him that.”

“I already have.”

“But you haven’t
explained
it to him,” said Leah. “You haven’t told him in detail exactly what it is you aren’t feeling, which is keeping you from being excited about your wedding like a normal bride.”

“I’m not normal,” said Rachel. “You go tell him that.”

“Father loves you,” said Leah. “He won’t make you marry Jacob if you don’t want to.”

Rachel sighed.

“What do you
want
, Rachel?”

“I want you to leave me alone. Father will be furious when he finds out you came all the way out here. You could have fallen. The path isn’t safe for somebody who can’t see the ground clearly.”

“Lead me back,” said Leah.

“Zilpah can lead you.”

“You take me or I’ll throw a tantrum.”

“Don’t be stupid. You don’t do that anymore.”

“You think I’ve forgotten how?”

“I don’t care whether you have or not.”

“Rachel, come back with me and talk to Father.”

“You plan to drag me?”

“Who’s throwing a tantrum, anyway?” said Leah.

“Not me.”

“Yes you. What do you think this act of yours is? ‘Leave me alone. Let me suffer in silence. I won’t talk to anybody. Nothing’s wrong.’”

“I’m saying good-bye to my life, is that all right with you?”

“What was that? An answer?” Leah laughed. “Well, that was a nice try, but I don’t believe it. Saying good-bye to your life? You’re getting married, you’re not dying.”

“I
am
dying,” said Rachel. “The girl I’ve always been, she’s going to be dead and gone. She’s never coming back. So leave me alone to say good-bye to that life.”

“Fine, that’s worth an hour of quiet reflection, not this pout that’s been going on for weeks.”

“I’m not pouting.”

“Not
visibly
,” said Leah. “But you must remember that I’m the one who can sense things that the eye can’t see.”

“Even things that don’t exist.”

“For instance, do you think Jacob isn’t worried about you?”

“If he were, he would have said something.”

“What, for instance? Don’t you understand that he can’t? You’re making such a show of being miserable before the wedding, what is he supposed to think? He’s with you every day, for hours at a time—”

“Speaking of which, he should be here any time. So I can’t go with you.”

“And you don’t talk to him about what’s bothering you. No doubt he thinks that you’ve decided you’d rather marry a rich warrior, some man like Choraz.”

“That’s just stupid.”

“Talk to Jacob, if you won’t talk to Father.”

“I don’t even want to talk to you.”

“Then let me put it another way,” said Leah. “I’m doing a good job of being happy for you. But it’s all completely wasted if you aren’t even happy for yourself.”

“Please, please, Leah, leave me alone.”

“I won’t leave you alone.”

Rachel turned back to the sheep.

“How many days till the wedding, Rachel?”

“I don’t know.”

“Everyone else does. What will you wear?”

“Some dress. They’re making it for me.”

“Everyone else has seen it. Not you, though, right?”

“I’ll see it when they fit it on me.”

In despair, Leah closed her eyes and prayed silently. Help me, Lord God, to say what Rachel needs to hear.

“What are you doing?” said Rachel.

“Praying for you,” said Leah.

Rachel said nothing.

“I love you, Rachel,” said Leah. “I want you to be happy.”

Silence from Rachel.

“God sent his prophet to be your husband. You were chosen.”

Rachel actually shuddered.

“What’s
wrong?
” demanded Leah.

“Was I chosen?” said Rachel. “By God?”

“You know you were.”

“Or did I just dream it up, because I wanted to be like Rebekah?”

“Jacob’s real. I know, I’ve seen him.”

“No you haven’t,” said Rachel. “All you’ve seen is a blur.” And then she giggled at her own joke.

Giggled, but it was as if she had opened a dam. Suddenly she began to cry. And not just quiet tears. She cried as if someone she loved had just died.

Leah sat down in the grass beside her and put her arms around her. Rachel let her do it and cried into her shoulder.
Until she slid down and cried in Leah’s lap. All the while, Leah stroked her, patted her, but said nothing.

It went on for a long time. Leah hadn’t known Rachel was capable of so much emotion.

But no one can cry forever, and after a while Rachel was still.

“Please, Rachel, tell me why you’re grieving.”

Rachel shook her head.

“Then talk to Father. Whatever it is you want, you know he’ll do it for you.”

She shook her head again.

Then, suddenly, words came into Leah’s mind and she said them without thinking. “If you talk to Father, everything will work out exactly as the Lord desires.”

Rachel did not shake her head.

Instead she sat up and looked at Leah. “What happened?” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“You said that like … like a man. Like Father. As if you had
authority
.”

Leah didn’t want to claim any authority. “They weren’t my words,” she said.

Rachel was silent a long time. Finally: “I don’t know anything about God.”

“That’s silly, of course you do.”

“I know about God the way a child does. Not like you and the other girls.”

“We’ve read books,” said Leah. “But the spirit of Wisdom can touch every heart.”

“Not mine,” said Rachel. “My heart repels wisdom, like rain off a tent roof.”