Playing for Hearts (80 page)

“You think?” She rolled her eyes. “You might as well have stamped my forehead with the word ‘Done,' and high-fived Bruce while I was in the room.”

“Done?” He rubbed his jaw.

“We slept together, Gary. Bruce could see that. Anyone who came in would've known I was sitting on your lap seconds before the door opened.” She glanced down at the front of his jeans. “You're not exactly little.”

He chuckled. She glared. His amusement grew, and he tilted his head back and barked out a laugh before doubling over and grabbing his thighs, trying to stifle his laughter and failing. She snatched a pillow off the bed and stomped over to him, hitting him over the head.

He laughed harder.

Liking the relaxed Gary she was used to, she pummeled him harder to keep from letting him off the hook. He put up his hands, and she dodged to the side, changing hit zones.

“You're an idiot.” She lifted the pillow over her head.

He tackled her around the waist, picking her up and falling with her toward the bed. She landed on a scream, kicking out her legs. His weight kept her pinned to the mattress.

“Get. Off.” She shoved at his chest.

He held himself above her and grinned down at her. “Kiss me.”

“Get real.” She heaved her body, but all she accomplished was getting her legs out from under him.

He slid between her thighs. She stilled. His hardness pressed against her. “Seriously? Arguing makes you hard? That's sick, Satchel.”

He lowered his head and put his mouth below her ear. “You do that, honey. Whether you're sleeping, laughing, or hitting me with a pillow.”

Okay, that was nice. Her midsection pulsed and she warmed.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I was rude earlier.”

“Yes. You were.” She swallowed, trying hard to ignore the way his body pressed into her in all the right places.

“The thing is, Ang, it's going to be harder than hell to keep this secret, and I think we need to cool down. Think about this some more.” He lifted off her.

All the heat disappeared, and his words shocked her into staying quiet. The serious tone scared her. He'd once again gone from hot to cold, and she had no idea why.

“I need to know what you expect of me.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her into a sitting position. “What do you see happening between us?”

“What do you mean?” She straightened her shirt and glanced at him. “We're together. You said you've always loved me, and I was more than clear that what I feel for you goes beyond friendship. I want you in my life. I don't want to lose you.”

Gary leaned forward, taking her hand with him. She gazed down as he cupped her fingers between both his hands. “There's a difference between wanting me and loving me, honey,” he said, quietly.

“I know that.” She laid her head on his arm. “I do love you. I have forever. You know that.”

“It's not the same.” He leaned over and put his head on top of hers. “I know you love me as a friend. You care about my wellbeing, my happiness, my success. This is different. It's a whole different emotion because we've slept together.”

She shook her head. “No, it's not. It's only better because we know each other that way. Don't you see what's happening? We're together.”

“For how long?” he asked.

She pulled her hand away. “I just told you, we're together now.”

“What, Ang? What comes next? Do you move in with me permanently? Do we get engaged? What about marriage? Kids?” He stood and stared down at her. “I'm not ready for those things, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I won't make the same mistake as my parents or bring any child into a life that could blow up on them in a year, five years, ten years.”

“You're overthinking this. Nobody makes these kinds of decisions after sleeping with someone for the first time or when a relationship is fresh and new,” she whispered, her heart breaking.

He walked to the door. Without turning around, he replied, “I do, honey. I'm not willing to throw away our friendship or my friendship with Drew to play with your heart or mine. I respect you too much, and until I know without a doubt that I can love you the way you deserve, I think we need to stop.”

“Stop?” She blinked furiously to clear the moisture out of her vision.

“We'll go back to being roommates for the time being.” He glanced over his shoulder. “I'm sorry. Damn sorry, honey. I didn't set out to play with you.”

He walked out of the room, leaving the door wide open. She stared out into the hallway, willing him to come back and explain to her what just happened between them.

She couldn't lose him from her life. Her feelings had changed fast from friends to lovers, but she'd learned long ago she had to act before anything happened to ruin everything.

She jumped off the bed, and hurried down the hall. Gary sat in the living room, his head leaned back, his eyes closed, listening to his music, oblivious to her in the room. She reached over him and pushed the button on his MP3, shutting off his music.

“What if something happens to one of us?” Her voice raised with each word. “What then? Are you going to regret stopping what we have together? You can feel it—I know you can.” She sucked air in on a sob. “Don't lie to me and tell me there's nothing between us, because I know it's real. I'll tell you every day how I feel, and I'll show you in every way I know possible how much I appreciate you in my life, but please don't cut me off and put me out of your life before you give us a chance. I don't want to lose another person I love.”

She inhaled swiftly, pressing her hand against her chest. Panic swept through her, squeezing the air out of her lungs, and darkened the edges of her vision. She pulled too little air in through her opened mouth, struggling to fill her lungs.

“Shit.” Gary leapt to his feet and gathered her in his arms, guiding her to the couch and setting her down. “Breathe, honey.”

She shook her head. “I-I can't. You h-have to answer me.”

“Later, I promise. Right now, you need to calm down.” He gathered her hair off her face and held it bunched in his hand behind her neck. “Breathe slowly. In. Out.”

She squeezed her eyes shut and listened to his voice. Why was this happening now?

“Ang, listen to me, honey. Just lean on me, and keep breathing.” Gary pulled her closer. “I got you. I'm right here.”

She sucked in air and nodded. The pressure eased, and she inhaled another shuddering breath, relief coming fast and the ache in her head loosening its ugly grip. She blinked her eyes open and pulled away, taking another breath to test herself.

“I'm okay now,” she said.

He rubbed her back and she concentrated on inhaling, exhaling, and pushing all her thoughts out of her head. Embarrassed to have lost it in front of him, and having never experienced the sensations of not being able to breathe when she was awake, she sat weak and rejected beside him.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered, rubbing her forehead. “I don't know what came over me.”

“Ang, I think—”

“You know what?” She pressed her hands against her thighs and heaved herself to her feet, swaying on her feet. “I'll leave you alone. I think I'll just take it easy…maybe nap.”

He wrapped his fingers around her wrist and pulled her back, catching her before she landed on the couch, and shifted her to his lap. “How long have you had panic attacks?”

“What?” She shook her head. “I don't…”

“I've seen grown men have them before a game or when they reach exhaustion. It's not something to be embarrassed about.” Gary smoothed her head off her cheek. “You had one the other night while you were sleeping too.”

“I'd like to lie down,” she said.

“You're not leaving my sight until you tell me what's going on with you.” He kept her on his lap. “You were upset about losing me, and talking about death again.”

“Please,” she said, hating the whine in her voice.

Gary's chest inflated and he slowly let out his breath. “Damn. I should've known.”

“It was a long time ago,” she whispered.

“I know. But she was your mom,” he said. “You were with her.”

She had been the only one with her mom when she'd died at home. The hair at the back of her neck tickled, and she shivered. That night, Drew and Gary had left to go to a party, and she'd told them it was okay because she was going to stay up and watch television. She'd planned to sit in her mom's bedroom in case she needed anything. Her days were numbered, they all knew that, but that day was one of her mom's better ones and she thought she'd be fine alone. Her mom had slept peacefully for a couple hours.

After the movie on television ended, she'd crawled in bed with Mom to watch the late show while she waited for the boys.

She leaned her head against Gary and closed her eyes.

She'd fallen asleep. Sometime later, whether she sensed something wrong in the room or the boys shut the door as they came in—something woke her up, and her mom wasn't breathing.

Gary and Drew had come in when she was trying to give her mom CPR. She'd had no idea how to do it right, but only knew she had to try. She hadn't been ready to lose her mom.

“That's why you sleep with me,” Gary whispered.

“Yeah,” she whispered back. “I hate being alone—in my head, I hate being alone. I know I'm being stupid.”

“No, you're not.” He sighed deeply. “You're not going to lose me. I'm right here. We'll keep things secret for however long we can, and slow down. We'll just…slow down.”

She swallowed hard. “Okay,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

“But we need to tell Drew,” he said.

She thought of the extra stress that'd add to their relationship, the questions her brother would ask, and the position he'd put Gary in when he found out they'd kept the news from him. “That can wait.”

“It's the only way I'll go forward, Ang. Drew means too much to me. You mean too much,” he said.

His arms pulled her snug against him. She held on, afraid she'd lose him too. Whether her fear of losing another person she loved was irrational, her anxiety over losing Gary was real. With the Seahawks threatening her, and not knowing how her brother would act, they were living on borrowed time.

Fist to the ground, knees bent, head up, Gary was out for blood. Last down in the scrimmage, and he was done. Completely—fucking—done.

“Angie's a nice piece of ass. I wouldn't mind tappin' that.” Cormac grinned.

The whistle blew. Gary charged straight for Cormac. Tackling him low, he took the man down.

“Oomph.” Cormac groaned. “Shit, man, save it for our first game.”

Gary brought his head back and swiftly helmet butted the other player. “Open your mouth again about Ms. Swanson, and I'll do more than knock the wind out of your stupid ass.”

He pushed off Cormac and got to his feet, glaring over his shoulder at the fallen player as he walked away. Two weeks of hiding his relationship with Angie from the team, and he wondered if he was insane to even think he'd be able to hide his feelings any longer when he had to listen to them talk about her all the time. At home, everything was good. They'd grown closer, but both of them were making an effort to slow things down between them. Angie understood he couldn't give her much of a future, except to always be there for her, for however long they both were happy with the arrangement.

When she was around, he could ignore the fact that a woman like her who valued commitment, family, and security would soon ask him for more than he could give. Nobody had ever asked him for anything. The closest he'd come to committing himself to something was signing a football contract. Even that didn't last forever.

He wasn't sure he had the skills to make a serious relationship. Living in foster care growing up, he'd always known he'd be leaving and the people in his life weren't permanent. He had an idea of what family was like from the Swansons, but what if he failed when things became tough?

Right now, she was satisfied. He knew that, because she used every chance to tell him, like she promised she'd do.

Over breakfast, she'd touch him. When they went out for their morning run, she stayed silent, sharing in their solitary run, but pushing him to go a longer distance, and he was running farther. At night, she crawled into his bed.

There were no more night terrors.

He'd figured out if he wore her out by making love to her, she slept like a baby. Warmth filled his chest. Except last night, she'd taken the offense position, and blew his game plan, and surprised the hell out of him.

She'd shown up naked in his room, and before he knew it, she was riding the hell out of him. How was he supposed to turn down that?

He looped into a jog, anxious to go home. He and Angie both had the next two days off. Drew was coming over later today. They'd agreed that a face-to-face talk would work better to break the news than telling him over the phone. He expected Drew to punch his face. Angie expected a happy family reunion.

He pushed through the locker room doors and stopped. Tension stole his next breath.

Moans echoed in the tiled room. He clenched his teeth, and pushed his way inside. That made three players on the team that turned into total moaners at the touch of Angie's hands.

He stripped out of his clothes without looking in the back of the room at Angie while she worked on one of the players. He'd get his own massage at home. And, yes, he'd moan just as loud or even louder.

“Satchel. Office.” Coach waved him over from the doorway.

He lifted his chin in answer, grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist. The other guys jeered. It was never a good sign to be called out, and he'd never been reprimanded before. But he deserved whatever Coach had to say. His aggression on the field and his bitchy attitude toward the others was not how a Seahawks player behaved.