Nocturnes (27 page)

Undoubtedly. “I can’t give her what she wants.”

“Fine. If she’s not worth fighting for, then give up and keep drinking.”

I rub my forehead. “I’m so goddamn tired of fighting.”

“Some things are worth repeated kicks to the balls. And a hell of a lot more.” Toombs stands. “You gotta decide how much shit you can take and where to draw the line. Assuming there is a line…”

He’s right. Toombs is always right. I can continue feeding this slothful, sinister, life-sucking beast killing me from the inside out and reap the benefits of numbness, or I can rage against it, accept the damage rejection is sure to inflict, and look pain in the eye with pride.

“I love her,” I say.

He lays a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Then this is a no-fucking-brainer. You know what you gotta do.”

Do I ever.

Turning my face up to his, trembling all over, I say, “I’m gonna need help.”

He nods. “I’m here. We’re all fucking here for you, man.” He squats before me and looks me right in the eyes. “No more lies. If you fall off the wagon, I’ll pick your sorry ass up and throw you back on. But you gotta be honest with me and with yourself. Make your choice and stand by it, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts.”

Right again.

What’s it gonna be, Rax?

I choose to feel. I choose pain. I choose life.

I inhale through my nose and let the air out through my mouth. “I see a rehab stint in my future.”

Toombs smiles. “It ain’t rock ’n’ roll until someone goes to rehab. Congratulations, man. You just took your life back by the balls. Now, let’s own this bitch.”

Side A: “Come Together”

After four weeks of living in a rehabilitation facility and kicking my addiction’s ass, I’m ready to rejoin the Land of the Living. It’s amazing what time away does for the mind, body, and soul.

During my stint in confinement, I had some eye-opening realizations. I never knew how much my drinking hurt other people. I learned through a couple of tearful phone conversations with my mom that my parents have been worried sick about me since I left Athens to go on tour, and Dad had advised Mom not to fund any more of my requests for cash because he knew it was going to pay for booze. Cutting me off was their attempt at tough love. In hindsight, I really appreciate that, though a couple months ago, I hated them for it.

My first stop when I busted out of rehab was home. I apologized to my parents for using them for their money, and I vowed never to take advantage of them again. This time, I meant it. And when I hugged Mom and told her I loved her, I meant that too.

My batteries are recharged, my sins are (mostly) forgiven, and I feel fucking good for the first time in ages.

I pull up to Jillian’s farmhouse on the east side of Athens and smile. This is kind of where it all started. I remember the night Toombs and I came here with our new singer/bassist Shades and met with then-Cherry Buzz Float to talk about our upcoming tour. That stupid bitch Kate—Cherry Buzz Float’s guitarist and my ex—pulled her usual hissy fit and left in a tizzy. Somehow I knew we’d all end up on that bus together anyway, but who would’ve guessed things would change so much?

Two separate bands, merged into one. Seems like a lifetime ago.

I exit the car and march up to the door. A couple of quick bangs, and I let myself in. I haven’t seen my bandmates since we left New Orleans.

“Anybody home? Rax needs some lovin’,” I call.

Voices in the living room rise, and a stampeding commotion follows.

“Rax!” Letty says.

“You’re back.” Shades smiles.

“We missed you.” Jinx hugs me.

“How you doing?” Jillian beams.

Surrounded by my friends, I grin and slap hands. Everyone’s here except—

“Toombs.” I lift my palm for a high five, but he cuffs my shoulder and then bumps his chest into mine.

“Hey, man. Glad you finally broke out.” He can play it cool in front of the band all he wants. We both know the letters he wrote me during the four weeks I was stuck in quarantine helped me get through some of the roughest, darkest spots in my life. Well, his letters, along with the goal of transforming myself into a man who might one day be good enough for Eve. I’m not there yet, but when I’m 100 percent happy with who I am, I’m going to call her. That’s the deal I made with myself, and I’m standing by it.

“Yeah. It’s great to be free.”

“Well, you gonna fill us in? Are you cured of being an asshole?” Letty jokes.

“Nah, I told them they could take away my booze, but they’d better not fuck with my inner bastard. I had to save that for you.” I wink at her.

She sweeps the back of her wrist across her forehead. “Be still, my beating heart. I think I’m in love.”

“So, what did I miss?” I say.

Jillian waves us toward the living room. “I have news. I wanted to wait until everyone was here.”

Once we’re all seated, Jillian plops next to me on the couch and says, “The album’s been mixed and tinkered with. It’s ready to roll in a couple weeks.”

“Fuck, yes!” Letty shouts.

“That’s not all.” Jillian grins. “I booked you a tour.”

The five of us look at each other, and smiles bandy about.

Letty stands. “We’re headlining? Get the fuck out.”

Jillian slaps her back into her seat with a scowl. “No, you idiot. You’re not
that
good.”

“Of course we are. The world just doesn’t know it yet.” Letty pouts.

“But…you’re opening for Just Breathe on their North American tour.” Jillian settles into the couch, a smug expression wrapped around her face as she gulps down a couple swallows of beer.

“What?” Shades chokes out.

“Just Breathe?” Jinx’s eyes go wide.

Toombs lifts his brows. “You’re shitting.”

“Have you seen their singer? He’s hot as fuck.” Letty grins like an idiot.

Chills dance over my skin, rousing the hairs on my arms. I laugh. “You’re kidding, right? Just fucking Breathe?”

Jillian cocks her head to the side. “You doubt your great and powerful leader? For shame.” She sets the amber bottle on the coffee table and crosses her legs. “Rehearsals start tomorrow in the barn.” She points her chin toward the back of the house.

“It smells like shit out there. We’re too awesome to be rehearsing in a nasty old barn.” Letty turns to Shades. “And I’m still hung up on this singer. You wouldn’t be interested in a three-way, would you? I mean, just once? Or maybe for the entire tour? He’s
really
dreamy. And so Australian…” She flaps her lashes a couple of times.

Shades shrugs. “Maybe…”

Letty straddles his crotch and tackles his lips. “You’re the best boyfriend in the whole humping world.”

A ping of jealousy hits me in the chest as I watch Letty snuggling up with Shades and Jinx and Toombs holding hands. I’ve never been the odd man out. Ever. Readjusting to life on the road with all this sickeningly sweet romance stinking up the air is gonna require a super strong deodorizer.

I’m happy for them all. Really. But…

“Focus, please?” Jillian rolls her eyes. “And just so you know, Gavin has a girlfriend who’s equally as hot. They’re pretty damn…committed.” She sighs.

I nudge her shoulder. At least
someone
understands what it’s like being on the outside. “Poor Jillian. Always a bridesmaid, never the bride. You know, I’m single and annoyingly full of abstinence at the moment. If your hot lesbian self ever craves the attention of a man…” I playfully lick my lips and squeeze my package. “This cock can fuck the gay right out of you. Satisfaction guaranteed.”

My gibe gets a rare, genuine smile out of her. “I’ve got your number. We’ll talk later.” She pats my thigh and turns back to everyone else. “Hot band members notwithstanding, this tour is going to require a lot of hard work and no fucking around. You guys need to be serious. I’ve spoken with Just Breathe’s manager and assured him you’re professionals.”

My gaze wanders to the beer bottle. The sharp scent inside calls to me.

“We might have to look into hiring a new lead singer, then,” Jinx says.

“Burn!” Toombs laughs.

Letty flips her off. “Jinx, when did you grow a sense of humor? It’s cute on you, little harlot.” She slides off Shades’s lap and settles gingerly on the couch beside him.

Shades grins. “What’s the matter, pussycat? Does your ass still hurt?”

Jillian jams fingers into her ears and says, “La la la la la…TMI, thank you.”

“It’s not what you think.” Letty winces.

Toombs lifts a brow. “Well? What is it, then?”

Letty stands, turns around, and drops her pants to her knees, baring her ass. Three fresh, shiny tattooed letters gleam on her skin. She spreads her cheeks, turning her asshole into the “O” that finishes out the word “Todd.”

Jinx, Toombs, and I burst into laughter. “Fuck. That’s brilliant. How many squirts did it take to get her to agree to that?” I say.

Shades’s grin becomes downright smug. “I finally got her to make good on a bet she lost from the first tour.”

“Jesus Christ, put that thing away before you reintroduce me to my lunch.” Jillian holds up a hand as if to shield her eyes, but she’s totally checking out Letty’s ass.

It’s good to know things haven’t changed in the time I’ve been away. I missed this.

Conversations veer farther off-topic, and eventually devolve into a massive catch-up session. As each bandmate comes over and chats with me, my eyes keep returning to the damn bottle taunting me a foot away on the table.

I remind myself I don’t need alcohol to make me happy. If I fall back into that pit, it’s going to be harder than ever to crawl back out.

Then I picture Eve’s bandaged face in the hospital.
Call me when you’re happy.

I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it, Eve.

The bottle loosens its hold over me. Courage replaces wants, and I shake it off. Better.

While everyone else hits the kitchen for snacks, Jinx and Toombs come over and sit on either side of me.

“We brought you something.” Jinx holds up a gift bag with my name and a guitar on it and lots of tissue stuffing inside. “It’s nothing big. Kind of silly, actually, but we wanted to welcome you back.”

“What is it?” I hold up the package and put my ear to it as I jostle the paper. “A box of condoms?”
Not that I need them.

She shakes her head.

“Guitar strings?”

“Nope.”

“Porno mag?”

She smiles. “Open it.”

I do. Tucked neatly within the folds of paper is a spray painted, handmade trophy. I pull it out. “World’s Best Guitarist and #1 Friend, Rax Wrathbone.” The corner of my mouth twitches as I look at her round, hopeful eyes. “You made this?”

She nods. “Toombs cut the scrap metal and soldered it. I did the painting and decorating. You like?”

I run a thumb over the letters. Shit. Motherfucking shit. Pressing my lips together, I nod and lower my head. I’m not gonna cry like a pussy over a goddamn trophy Jinx and Toombs made. I will not.

“I love.” I don’t look at either of them. I can’t let them—or myself—down on this tour. I’m starting over from scratch to prove to my bandmates and friends that I am bigger than my addiction. I will overcome it, bust it out, and be better for it in the end.

Two sets of arms swing around my shoulders from both sides. I smile at the warmth, wishing I could hold on to it for longer than a few seconds, but the comfort doesn’t last.

When Toombs and Jinx pull away, I clutch my trophy a little harder. “We’re gonna rock this tour like nobody’s business.”

The three of us grin at each other and collectively draft an unspoken pact. Jinx and Toombs assure me they’ll back me up, and I promise them I’ll do my best so they won’t have to.

Agreed,
Jinx’s eyes say.

Agreed,
Toombs’s subtle nod says.

Agreed,
my fist on my chest says.

I might not have Eve, but I have love from a different source. I’ll take whatever I can get for now, knowing I’ll have to bust my ass to win the bigger trophy down the road.

I’m coming back for you, Eve. Just hold on a little longer.

Side A: “Free Bird”

The first thing that hits me when my eyes open is the revolting scent of a septic tank gone bad. “Jesus fucking Christ…” The second is the hard slap of a hand across my face.

“What the—” I paw at the air in front of me, trying to defend myself against the blows. Another crack. “Cut that shit out!”

Toombs peers down at me, eyes bulging with worry. He grabs my arm and pulls me upright. “You gotta sit up, man. You almost choked to death.” Out of nowhere, he stuffs a puke-filled ice bucket under my chin. I frown and push it aside.

I’m freezing cold, covered in smelly liquid, shivering. I lift my arms and look at my chest. “What the fuck happened?”

Toombs lets go of a lungful of air and throws a towel at me. His expression is one of complete dejection. “I don’t know, man. You tell me. I been sitting up with you for an hour, trying to keep you from pulling a Jimi Hendrix.”

I stare at him. I got nothing.

“You don’t remember hitting the sauce in the green room after the show tonight in Charlotte?”

Fuzzy details sharpen. I wipe the chunks of puke off my shirt with the towel. We’ve been on tour for a month. A month of watching Letty and Shades boozing it up and having fun. A month of hanging out with some of the Aussie members of Just Breathe while they get smashed. A month of playing the standby designated fucking driver without a destination. Until tonight.

Fuck. “Why would I…? Shit.” I have no clue why I broke my promise to myself. Jealousy that everyone else gets to drink, but I can’t? Hubris? A need to prove to myself I’m man enough to handle alcohol?

All of the above.

“I fucked up. I seriously fucked up.” I drop my head to my open palm and squeeze my temples between a thumb and middle finger.

I wait for Toombs to confirm it with a “Hell yes, you did” or another well-deserved bitch-slap, but he just stares at me. Only emotion I read in his expression is pity. He can fucking keep that shit. I don’t want it.