Ms. LaGrange Is Strange! (2 page)

In the morning before school, I filled my backpack with all the stuff I would need during the day—cookies, chips, candy, pretzels, and other junk food. Miss Daisy always says we should be prepared. I wanted to be prepared in case there was no lunch lady. I didn't want to starve and die.

It was hard to concentrate all morning when we were doing math and DEAR. That stands for Drop Everything And Read. I was trying to read a book about jet planes, but I couldn't stop thinking about all the great food I had in my backpack.

In social studies we started learning about the pyramids and ancient Egypt. Did you know that when people died back then, they would take their brains out through their noses and turn them into mummies? It's true!

I was glad I brought stuff from home to eat. Because I'm sure that if I starved and died at school, Andrea would try to take
my brain out through my nose and turn me into a mummy.

After social studies we started making a big banner for Ella Mentry. It said
“Welcome, Ella Mentry,” and we spent the rest of the morning drawing little pictures all over it.

“What do you think the new lunch lady will be like?” somebody asked as we worked on the banner.

“I hope she's nice,” Emily said.

“She's got to be nicer than Mrs. McGillicuddy,” Ryan said.

I wasn't thinking about the new lunch lady. I kept thinking about those mummies in Egypt. I decided I will never pick my nose again. I don't want to pull my brain out by accident.

Finally Miss Daisy sang the cleanup song and said it was time for the cleanest
school in the district to get ready for lunch.

“Yay!” everybody yelled.

We washed our hands and lined up in size order. Then we walked in single file to the vomitorium. Andrea was the line leader. We all walked really fast because we couldn't wait to meet the new lunch lady.

“I hope she doesn't make those rubber hot dogs like Mrs. McGillicuddy,” Ryan said.

“Or those chicken nuggets that bounce,” said Michael.

“Or the nachos that glow in the dark,” I added.

“People who want to lose weight should come to our school,” Ryan said. “Because once you take a look at the food, you never want to eat again.”

“A little less chitchatting please,” Miss Daisy said.

Miss Daisy doesn't eat with us in the vomitorium. She eats in the teachers' lounge, which is a secret clubhouse where the teachers put on bathing suits and eat in a big hot tub. I hear they have a disco ball, too. In the vomitorium the other grown-ups are on lunch duty, like Ms. Hannah, the art teacher; Mr. Docker, the science teacher; Miss Small, the gym teacher; and Mr. Loring, the music
teacher. They stand around and tell us to stop talking.

After walking a million hundred miles, we got to the vomitorium. We were finally going to meet the new lunch lady.

Andrea opened the door.

We rushed inside.

It was so exciting!

Standing at the door, with an apron and gloves on, was the new lunch lady.

It was Mr. Klutz, the principal!

“Mr. Klutz! What are
you
doing here?” I asked.

“Are you the new lunch lady?” asked Andrea.

“I'm the lunch, uh, person for
today
,” Mr. Klutz said. “The new lunch lady is Ms. LaGrange. She starts tomorrow.”

Mr. Klutz looked funny. He was wearing a lunch lady hairnet, which was really weird because he doesn't have any hair at all. His head is like a beach ball. It looked like a beach ball in a net.

Mr. Klutz showed us something new that he installed in the middle of the vomitorium to help us be quiet—a traffic light on a big pole. When the light is green, he told us, we're allowed to talk. When it's yellow, we can whisper. And when it's red, we have “silent lunch.”

Usually during lunch everybody is yelling and screaming. You have to scream just to be heard over the other kids who are screaming so they can be heard. And then you have to scream even louder. It just goes on and on. Maybe the
traffic light would help.

Mr. Klutz told us he loves to cook at home, and he made all the food himself. Little Miss Perfect Andrea said she and her mother cook together all the time.

“We only eat organic food at home,” Andrea said.

“You eat organs?” I asked. “That's disgusting!”

There was a chalkboard that listed all the foods Mr. Klutz had made for us: macaroni and cheese…tuna casserole…meat loaf…

“What's that stuff?” I asked, pointing at some mystery meat covered in brown goo.

“That's an old family recipe,” said Mr. Klutz. “I call it chicken Klutz.”

I call it disgusting. But I didn't say that out loud.

“The only chicken I eat is chicken nuggets,” I said.

“Chicken Klutz is
real
chicken,” Mr. Klutz said. “Try it, A.J.”

“Does it have bones in it?”

“Of course!” Mr. Klutz said. “Chickens have bones, just like people.”

I told Mr. Klutz I wasn't hungry. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him his chicken looked like somebody threw up on it. I got a carton of chocolate milk and sat at a table with Ryan and Michael.
I opened my backpack and dumped the cookies, chips, candy, pretzels, and other junk food on the table.

Everybody got all excited. Even Andrea and her annoying friends turned around so they could witness my awesomely cool lunch, live and in person.

“You should eat smarter,” Andrea said. “Proper
nutrition is important for learning, growth, and development.”

“Can you possibly be any more boring?” I asked her.

After everybody got their food, Mr. Klutz walked around the vomitorium. He was carrying a platter with some disgusting green stuff on it. I was eating a candy bar when he came over to our table.

“I thought you said you weren't hungry, A.J.,” he said. “Why are you eating sugary treats?”

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast.

“I'm on the new all-sugar diet,” I told him. “Haven't you heard of it? You're only
allowed to eat sugar. It's the latest thing.”

“A.J.,” Mr. Klutz said, “you know your body needs protein, fruits, vegetables, and grains. Haven't you heard of the food groups?”

“But I don't
like
that stuff,” I said.

“Fruit is sweet,” he said. “You
must
have a favorite fruit, right?”

“Sure I do,” I replied. “Froot Loops.”

“Come on, A.J.!” he said, picking up a spoonful of his disgusting green stuff off his platter. “How about some peas and carrots? Have you ever tasted peas? They're delicious. And carrots are good for your eyes.”

“I'd rather go blind than eat carrots,” I
said.

Mr. Klutz looked pretty upset. I guess he was sad because hardly anybody ordered his chicken Klutz. He'd have to bring it home in a doggie bag. That's what my parents do when they have leftovers.

Mr Klutz should stick to being principal, if you ask me. He makes a terrible lunch lady.

The next day there was a sign in front of the school: “Welcome, Ms. LaGrange!”

Mr. Klutz was standing at the front door next to a lady I never saw before. Her hair stuck out from under a big chef's hat, and she was wearing an apron with the words “Make Lunch, Not War” on it.

“Ms. LaGrange, this is A.J.,” Mr. Klutz
said when I reached the top of the steps. “Maybe you can get him to eat some vegetables.”

“
Bonjour
, Mr. A.J.,” said Ms. LaGrange.

“You talk funny,” I said.

“Ms. LaGrange comes from France,” Mr. Klutz told me. “
Bonjour
means ‘hello' in French.”

“Well,
bonjour
to you, too,” I said.

When we got to class, everybody was talking about Ms. LaGrange, the new lunch lady.

“Miss Daisy, where is France?” asked Andrea.

“I have no idea,” said Miss Daisy, who never knows anything. I wonder how she ever got a job as a teacher.

Miss Daisy pulled down a big map of the world. We looked all over the map
until we found France. It was on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.

“Did Ms. LaGrange swim to school?” asked Emily. What a dumbhead!

“She probably took an airplane,” said Miss Daisy.

“If she took an airplane, she should give it back,” I said. Nobody laughed at my joke even though it was funny.

We were supposed to work on our “Welcome, Ella Mentry” banner, but Miss Daisy let us use the computers to go on the Internet and learn more about France.

We learned all kinds of things. Did you know that France gave us the Statue of
Liberty? I guess they didn't want it. When my mom has stuff that she doesn't want, she gives it away. Or sometimes she just throws it in the garbage.

Ryan found out that in France they eat snails and frogs' legs. I thought I was gonna throw up.

“What do they do with the
rest
of the frog?” Michael asked.

“Ms. LaGrange will probably serve it for lunch,” Ryan said.

I said I like French food, like French fries and French toast.

“You silly dumbhead,” Andrea said.
“French fries aren't French.”

“Are too!”

“Are not.”

We went back and forth like that for a while until Miss Daisy asked if anyone knew anything else about France.

“I know a poem about France,” I said.

“Oh, will you share it with us, A.J.?”

So I said my poem:

Emily got up and ran out of the room crying. What is her problem? It was just a poem.

After we learned everything about
France, we learned more about ancient Egypt. Miss Daisy showed us pictures of the pyramids. They were cool. Then she said it was time for math, even though she doesn't know anything about math. She can't even add or subtract, so
we
have to teach
her
. Miss Daisy begged us not to tell Mr. Klutz how dumb she is because she doesn't want to be fired.

Miss Daisy is crazy!

Finally it was time for lunch with Ms. LaGrange. We were so excited!