Minecraft: Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 3: When Nature Calls (An Unofficial Minecraft Book) (3 page)

BOOK: Minecraft: Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 3: When Nature Calls (An Unofficial Minecraft Book)
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Friday

I’m so excited about Spring break!

One more week and we’re going to be knees deep into the Jungle Biome.

I just got a Zmail from the guys telling me about all of the stuff they’re going to bring.

Skelee is bringing his Indiana Bones hat.

Slimey is bringing his parachute pants. “At least this way they don’t have to go to waste.” He said.

Creepy was bringing his new Liquid Nitrogen Inhaler. He said it was the latest thing for keeping Creepers calm in scary situations. His Mom got it for him from the Bomb Supply store.

“It even works if a Creeper gets struck by lightning.” He said.

Whoa.

I sent a Zmail back telling the guys that I was bringing my climbing shoes for the Jungle Temple.

Zombies are normally good climbers. They can climb ladders and even vines.

But I lost a few toes this week, and Mom said we were fresh out of toes from our body parts stash in the basement. So she had to put ears on my feet until we could order some more body parts.

So my climbing skills are not so good right now.

I have to figure out what to do about my pet squid while I’m gone, though.

I could give him to the witch down the street, but I’m afraid when I get back my pet squid will grow a big nose and start walking and talking.

Whoooooohhhh. That’s just creepy thinking about it.

I know what I’ll do. I’ll just set him free in the lake next to the village.

I’ll tell Mom and Dad it escaped.

Maybe this way I can get a cooler pet…like a Killer Rabbit.

Saturday

Today, Mom had the brilliant idea that before I can go on Spring break, I had to do something about my dirty room.

I usually don’t do anything about my room for eleven months out of the year, so in the Springtime my Mom gets on my case about it.

“You need to do something about this room, young man. Or you can forget about Spring break.” My Mom said.

But I like the way my room looks.

I mean, I know that I have dirty clothes lying around all over the place…

And I know there’s moldy food under my bed that attracts bugs…

And I know I have plenty of my dirty underwear and smelly gym socks hanging on all of the furniture…

But Mom says that it’s not good enough. She thinks I can do better.

She told me to get some of last week’s left over garbage, and dump it in my closet.

She even told me to sprinkle more maggots all in my drawers.

Urrrrgghhh! Taking care of my room is such a pain!

After my room, Dad wanted me help him with the garage too.

It’s not even a garage anymore.

My Dad turned it into his own Zombie Cave.

Which makes me wonder why I have to help him with it.

I guess he thinks I want to inherit it when he’s gone.

But I think it’s kinda lame.

Right now my Dad has his hobby abandoned mineshaft and minecart rail set in there.

He also has a Zombie Apocalypse set with Zombie and Human action figures, which I kinda like... But he won’t let me play with it, so its lame.

Now, if he were to put in a 70 inch TV with a video game chair that comes with vibrating seats, then I would gladly help him with it.

But he wants my help adding more cobwebs, dust and dirt to his Zombie Cave.  He even wants me to help him add a cow poo compost bedding for the floor.

Uuuurrrgghh! I hate Spring chores.

Sunday

I went to go visit Steve today.

I wanted to ask him what humans do for Spring break.

I found him punching trees again today.

I still don’t know how he does that without losing any fingers.

“Wassup Steve!”

I guess this time he saw me coming, because he wasn’t surprised.

“Wassup Zombie!” Steve said.

“Hey, did you hear me coming or something?”

“Naw, I actually smelled you before you got here.” He said. “You’re kind of extra ripe today. Cough, cough…”

“Thanks Man, I’ve been working on that. But anyway, I had a question for you about humans.”

“Hit me.” He said.

So I smacked him on the back of the head.

“What’d you do that for?!!”

“You told me to hit you, didn’t you?” I said.

“Forget about it. What’s your question?”

“Hey, what do humans do for Spring break?” I asked.

“Oh Man. We do really cool stuff for Spring break. But the best place to go for Spring break is Disneyland.” Steve said.

“Disneyland? What’s that?” I asked.

“Disneyland is a magical place, where kids of all ages can go on exciting rides, spend time with life-sized characters like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy; eat corn dogs on a stick, and spend time with hundreds of other people, along with their family and friends.”

“Whoa, that sounds really scary. Giant Mice, giant ducks, giant dogs. Eating dogs that are stuck on a stick. And all of those humans in one place…Dude, you’re freaking me out!” I said.

“There’s a ride I think you would really like, though. It’s called The Haunted Mansion. It has Zombies and Ghost attacking humans and everything.” He said.

“Oh. I guess humans aren’t so bad.” I said. “If I ever visit you again, let’s go there.”

“Sure, man.” Then Steve went back to punching his tree.

I wanted to ask Steve if it was true that humans can use medicine to turn a Zombie human. But I didn’t want him to think I wanted to become human or something, so I didn’t ask.

I did walk away thinking that maybe humans aren’t as bad as Officer Bones said they were. 

With places like the Haunted Mansion around, how bad can they be?

Monday

I looked in the mirror this morning and I noticed that something was growing on my chest.

It looked fuzzy with a green and blue color to it.

“Dad, Dad! Come in here!” I yelled.

“What is it son?”

“Dad, what’s this green stuff growing on my chest?!!”

“Congratulations son, you’re growing mold on your chest.” He said. “That means you are going through puberty.”

“Poo – ber – tee? What’s that? Does that have something to do with poo?!!”

“No son. Puberty is when a young Zombie starts to become a big Zombie.”

“Soon you’ll have mold growing on your chest, back, under your arms, and your face. I even have it growing out of my ears.” Dad said.

“I’m going to have it growing out of my ears? Eeeeeww, gross!”

“Don’t worry son, you’ll get used to it.” Dad said. “Though it does get a little itchy when the bugs lay their eggs in it.”

“Also son, you’re going to see other changes as you go through puberty.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Well, your feet are going to get bigger, so you may feel a little clumsy at times.” He said. “And one foot usually grows bigger than the other.”

“Whoa.”

“Also, son, your voice is going to start to get deeper.” He said. “Then you’ll be able to say UUUUURRRRGGGHHH! Just like your Dad.”

“Let me try…Uuuurrgghhsqueeeekkk!”

“Yep, you’re definitely going through puberty.” Dad said.

“Here son, you’re going to need this.” Dad handed me a small bottle.

“Pro-odor-ant .” I tried to read it. “What is it Dad?”

“Well son, sometimes puberty can make things happen that you don’t want. Like you’re going to start to smell different.” He said.

“What!”

“Yeah. You’re going to lose some of that nice, pungent, rotten flesh smell.” He said. “So you may have to use some Pro-odorant so that it isn’t noticeable.”

“Man…Puberty is hard.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.” He said. “It happens to all of us.”

Man…I bet this stuff doesn’t happen to Skelee, or Slimey.

And what about Creepy? How is he going to grow mold when he doesn’t even have arms?

I bet Steve doesn’t have to go through this either.

Wow…It really stinks to be a Zombie.

Hey, maybe I won’t need the Pro-odorant after all….

Tuesday

Kids in middle school really like to swear a lot.

They come up with some of the weirdest swear words I’ve ever heard.

Today, one kid called another Zombie a really bad swear word, and it almost started a fight.

Now, I don’t normally use swear words. But I keep a list so if I ever have to, I want to be ready.

Also, I thought I would preserve a historical record of the common expletives of adolescent Zombies for the benefit of future generations…

…Naw, just kidding. I really like to collect them because I think they sound so funny.

So far I’ve heard Zombies called:

Dead Head

Meat Bag

Slack Jaw

Gutter

Shuffler

Brainless

Moanie

Screecher

Biter

Chiller

Thriller

Meat Puppet

Rotter

Floater

And the worst of all the worst swear names I have ever heard someone call a Zombie…

“Brain Muncher!”

Yuck! That’s like the worst thing you could ever call someone.

Even thinking about it gives me the creeps.

I just have to make sure my Mom never gets a hold of my journal…

Wednesday

Today I had my Zombie Karate class test.

It was real intense.

The Zensei told us that we were going to be judged on form, power and technique.

I was really nervous, but I knew I could do it.

I started my technique and it was awesome.

I could tell I lost a few points for form…It was probably because of my clumsy feet.

Then I had to be tested for power.

I had to break three wooden slabs with my feet, and then break three wooden slabs with my hand.

I psyched myself up real good, and then I went for it.

Hyaaaaahhhhh!

Crack!

My foot when flying half way across the room…

It ended up hitting Creepy on the head really hard.

All the kids ran for cover, and some kids even dived out the window.

But Creepy used his Liquid Nitrogen Inhaler today, so it wasn’t a big deal.

Well, that didn’t go too well. But I was determined to ace my hand board break.

I hobbled over to the wooden slabs that were on top of the cobblestone blocks.

I pulled my arm back and I gave it all I’ve got.

Hyaaaaaahhhhh!

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!

All my fingers broke off and flew in different directions.

I think one hit a classmate in the eye socket, because though it went in his direction, it disappeared as soon as it hit his face.

Man, I thought…I’m going to fail my karate test.

“Not today!” I said to myself. So I went for it again.

Blam!

I broke the boards so hard they shattered to pieces.

I even had a piece still stuck to my forehead.

“Congratulations. You passed your test.” Zensei said. “Good job using your head.”

I was so happy I passed my test.

But boy, my head really hurts…

Thursday

Today Dad was telling me how much he wants us to spend some quality time camping together when we go to the Jungle Biome.

He said that getting back to nature would be great for us.

Also, he said it would help me get an appreciation for the outdoors, the way our ancestors used to live.

“Dad, I thought our ancestors lived in caves?” I asked.

“Yes, son. But they went out every night to enjoy the night air. And that’s what we’re going to do.” Dad said.

Hey, I like camping as much as the next Zombie. But I was really looking forward to hanging out with my friends during our Spring break adventure in the Jungle Biome.

But, I guess I can do it for one day.

“OK Dad, I’ll go camping with you for ONLY ONE DAY of our scarecation.” I said.

“Great, I’ll start packing our gear. This is going to be the best family scarecation ever!” He said.

Well, it was going to be…

Before bed, Mom asked me to read a bed-time story to my brother.

She was busy getting ready for a presentation for work or something.

So I chose the scariest book I could find.

I thought, maybe I could scare my little brother and he’ll be so traumatized, Mom will have to leave him with Grandma for Spring break.

So I grabbed the most diabolical book ever created called, “There’s a Kid Under My Bed.”

I remember when Mom read this book to me when I was a kid. I had daymares for weeks. I even stopped wetting the bed for a whole month.

I thought, this should really scare the “bejeezus” out of my little brother.

Half way through reading the book, my little brother fell asleep.

He wasn’t scared at all.

Man, when I was a kid, this book terrified me. Why didn’t he get scared?

It must be something they put in the water or something, I thought.

Later, in the middle of the day, I heard the loudest scream I had ever heard.

When I woke up, I went to my little brother’s room and he was crawled up in a ball at the corner of his bed.

Mom and Dad rushed in the room and held my little brother to calm him down.

“Mumma, Dadda…Dares a liddle kid hiding unda my bet!!!!

Mom looked at me with that piercing look that told me I was in real trouble.

Man, I was sure it would work…

BOOK: Minecraft: Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 3: When Nature Calls (An Unofficial Minecraft Book)
11.57Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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