Authors: Gill Hasson
Mindfulness (13 page)
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Paul Boese
Has someone ever pushed in front of you â on purpose or inadvertently â when you were in a queue at the cinema or supermarket? Did a friend once spill red wine on your sofa? Did you ever get to your local shop and discover it had sold out of newspapers or milk?
Did you manage to forgive and forget? Most probably!
Of course, minor offences such as someone pushing in front of you, knocking a glass of wine over or the shop selling out of milk are easy to forgive and forget. But what if you are faced with more serious issues? What if your partner has had an affair, you've been unfairly sacked or you've received an injury as a result of someone else's actions? It can be a real struggle to accept what happened and forgive the other person or people involved.
Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment, frustraÂtion or anger that you feel as a result of someone else's actions. It involves no longer wanting punishment, revenge or compensation.
If you have reached a point where you do want to put it all behind you and move on with your life, then mindfulness can help by going through the following three stages.
Be aware of how and what you feel.
Start by being aware of how and what you feel. Angry, upset, disappointed? Jealous or resentful? All of the above? That's ok. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and process them. The less you resist what is happening within you emotionally, the more opportunity you have to be mindful about the situation.
See if you can tease apart the difference between your feelings about what happened and your feelings for the person who did you wrong.
Maybe you're angry and upset about what happened. Perhaps you even feel you could have done something to prevent what happened.
You may find it difficult to forgive the other person because you are suffering and so you want the other person to suffer too; to be punished. You refuse to forgive them because you fear it will make you vulnerable again. You want to protect yourself and take control.
Be aware though, that not forgiving someone will not ensure you won't be hurt again, and forgiving someone won't mean that you will be.
Allow yourself to let go.
It might help if you understand that all the time you don't forgive, you are tied to the other person or event. Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from the other person, the event and all associated suffering. When you let go of your need to punish the other person you can move forward.
“Letting go is the natural release which always follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts.”
Larry James
Forgiving doesn't mean giving in. If the other person has not apologized, or has apologized only to repeat the offence, nothing requires you to trust him or her. While there's no point in tormenting yourself over this person's actions, you do not need to fall victim to their actions again.
Accept what has happened.
Know that forgiveness flows from acceptance. You cannot change what has already happened. It is what it is. But how many times a day do you think about this hurt? How many times have you told the story about how badly you were wronged? Know that every time you think about it or retell the story to other people you are back in the past.
Holding on to your resentment keeps you in the past; a place where you have no influence. When you can accept that what has happened, happened in the past, then you are on the road to forgiveness.
In an interview with Time magazine,
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30 years after her husband was murdered, Yoko Ono was asked; “Can you forgive John Lennon's murderer, Mark Chapman?” She replied, “I have not been able to forgive him yet. But I'm not thinking about him all the time. And that's good.”
Certainly, the other person is responsible for his or her actions; he or she may not deserve to be forgiven for your pain, sadness and suffering but
you
deserve to be free of this negativity. Forgiveness is for you and not the other person!
Realize that the hate, anger or bitterness you feel towards the other person has little or no effect on him or her; they are probably just getting on with their life.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.”
Nelson Mandela
Learn from what happened and move on.
Letting go of what cannot be changed allows you to move into the present and look forward rather than backwards. Open yourself to new possibilities.
Think of the positive things that emerged as a result of the experience. You've dwelt long enough on the bad, hurtful aspects of what happened. Now focus on the positive side. This is the key to transforming what happened.
Think back, for example, to anyone who might have helped and supported you. Focus your thoughts on their kindness and selflessness. Thinking in this way; directing your mind to the positive aspects of the event prevents angry, bitter, resentful thoughts from continuing.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself
time
to heal. Know that letting go, acceptance and forgiveness are all part of a process. Sometimes your ability to forgive will come quickly and easily. At other times and in other circumstances you may find that healing and forgiveness take months, or even years.
“Letting go is a journey that never ends.”
Larry James
Forgiveness is not always a once-and-done event. You may be faced with the memory of something long after you have forgiven and forgotten. Those feelings you had when it first happened might coming rushing back. That's ok. It doesn't mean that your efforts at forgiveness were a waste of time. It simply means you've had a painful memory resurface.
If you suddenly find yourself confronted by painful memories, accepting and acknowledging how you feel, grounding yourself with, for example, mindful breathing can help you to manage the moment.
*****
People who are mindful when motivating, persuading and influencing others, tend to be effective in understanding and relating to others, and are able to motivate them toward shared goals. They know that the way to get other people on their side is to be very clear about what they want, to choose the right time to talk to the other person, to present their suggestion as an attractive way forward and to be able to negotiate and compromise.
Whether you are hoping to persuade your partner to cook dinner this evening or motivate colleagues to take part in a charity fundraiser, there are mindful ways to do it.
Elaine was hoping to persuade her colleagues to take part in a fundraising event. She suggested a sponsored walk, but only one or two people showed any interest. The others just glazed over at Elaine's suggestion.
Elaine got a completely different response when she suggested “Indian Bingo” as a fundraiser. Her colleagues were intrigued; they were keen to know what, exactly, “Indian Bingo” was!
According to research, when people are asked something that's a typical, regular or routine request, whether they agree or disagree, they will respond mindlessly.
A study by Santos et al. 2006
10
in the USA showed that people are more easily persuaded if their awareness is raised by an
unusual
request.
Passers-by were approached by a person who made an unusual request â “Can you spare 17 cents (or 37 cents)?” â or made a typical request â “Can you spare a quarter (or any change)?” People subjected to the unusual request were 60% more likely to give money than those receiving the typical plea. The strange request provoked increased interest as evidenced by the number of verbal inquiries about the request.
So, when you are hoping to persuade and motivate someone, ask yourself what you already know about the other person that might help you to engage him or her. What might catch their interest?
Are you relying on past knowledge of the other person? Rather than relying on the usual ways of persuading and motivating others, try a new approach. Know that mindlessness turns to mindfulness when awareness is heightened.
Ask yourself what are
their
interests and goals? What will attract their attention? And be sure to choose a good time so you can
persuade
the other person when they are at their most responsive, not when they are tired stressed or likely to be distracted.
Whether your request is typical or unusual, make sure you know what, exactly, it is that you want to persuade the other person to do. Keep it focused; simplify your request and don't ramble on, otherwise your message will be lost.
When you are trying to persuade someone to do something, tell them how it will benefit them. It's important to be genuine and sincere. For example “if you cook dinner tonight, then I can finish this work, put the children to bed and that will leave enough time for us both to watch that film on DVD”. Do, though, keep in mind that persuasion should use suggestion not demand.
Listen to the response. Be a good listener and take the other person's point of view into consideration. People are far more willing to cooperate if they feel acknowledged, understood and appreciated.
Ask questions. What are their concerns? Acknowledge and address those needs and concerns.
Use positive, rather than negative language:
instead of saying “You're wrong about this”, say “I understand that you think /feel that, but ⦔, or “I agree with what you say on. ⦠but have you considered ⦔.
Know when to
compromise
, but also know when to accept that other people are not going to come round to your way of thinking. Let it go â give up trying to persuade and, instead, formulate a plan B!
- Always listen
as if
you were going to reflect back what the other person said. You do not necessarily have to repeat back what the other person has said. You simply have to listen
as if
you are going to reflect back. - If you are on the receiving end of criticism, instead of rushing straight into an argument, learn how to sit with the discomfort of the initial emotional reaction.
- Use mindful listening skills. Resist the urge to interrupt or defend yourself. Listen, reflect and clarify. Then respond.
- If you are
giving
criticism, focus on one problem at a time. Keep it in the present. Don't bring up past complaints or get dragged into other issues. - If you can resolve the situation, all well and good. But if not, learn when to draw a line and agree to disagree.
- Forgive and forget. Learn from what happened and move on. Know that letting go, acceptance and forgiveness are all part of the process.
- To persuade others, be clear about what you want, choose a good time and present your suggestion as an attractive way forward.
- In all situations, know when to negotiate and compromise.
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Mindfulness at Work: Interviews, Meetings and Presentations
“How's work”? For many people, a typical answer is “Stressful. My manager is a nightmare â she calls meeting after meeting but no real decisions are ever made. I've got a presentation to do tomorrow which I'm dreading. I'm looking for another job. I've got an interview next week which I'm nervous about.”
Too often, when you are faced with pressures and responsibilities at work, a current of negative thoughts and feelings can sweep you along. When this happens, it's not easy to think straight, do your job well and enjoy it.
Mindfulness can help. It can keep you grounded and centred â less pushed by what's going on around you. You are more able to stay focused and be calmly present in the midst of both pleasant and unpleasant situations at work.
You can be
more flexible with your thinking and let go of established ways of working. You
can
develop a stronger self belief; you
can
be positive about your abilities.
A mindful approach helps you to work with other people more effectively. You are more aware of other people's needs and feelings; you are able to understand another person's ideas and suggestions from their perspective.
Being mindful at work does not prevent conflict from arising or difficult issues from coming up. But when problems do arise, a mindful approach can help you manage difficult, trying and stressful situations with more confidence and ease. You are more accepting of other people and the differences between you.
In this chapter, we look at specific situations â interviews, meetings and presentations and explain how to manage them mindfully.
Getting an interview is an achievement in itself; not everyone who applied for the same job as you was invited for an interview. But, for many people, the pleasure of being invited for an interview can quickly turn to worry and anxiety. Thoughts such as “I might not understand what they ask me”, or “I'll talk too quickly”, quickly find their way into your head.
Then, on the day of the interview you arrive with a dry mouth, your palms are sweaty and you can hear your heart thumping.
It doesn't need to be like that!
Put past interviews behind you.
Don't go over job interviews that didn't go well. This is a different job with a different interviewer. If you learnt anything useful from the last interview, all well and good. Otherwise, put it behind you, open yourself to new possibilities and focus on
this
interview, now.
Prepare yourself.
All the usual advice about being prepared applies, so do your research. Research the potential employer's services, markets and their competitors. Plan what you'll wear and make sure you know where you're going and how to get there. Don't forget to leave enough spare time for transport delays.
On the day before the interview, read your application form again. Some of the questions you will be asked will arise from what you have written in your application. You need to remember what you have written! Being prepared will help ease the tension that the unknown brings and make you feel more confident.
Plan to relax.
The evening before the interview, do something that you know will engage and absorb you. Watch a film, meet up with friends â do anything that you enjoy, that will engage your attention and make it difficult for worries about the interview to find their way into your head.
Breathe.
Just before the interview, while you're waiting to be called in, calm yourself. Breathe! Use one of the breathing techniques in
Chapter 4
.
You could also try this: imagine a smile on the face of someone you love â you might find it easier to visualize or you can bring a photograph of them with you. Respond with a smile of your own and you will look calm and relaxed when you arrive in the interview.
Listen.
Don't let your thoughts influence how well you listen. Wait until the interviewer has finished asking the question and
then
respond. If you need a minute to think, say so. If you are uncertain what the interviewer is asking you, say so. This approach will show that you will have the confidence to pause and think and/or seek clarification in the job if and when it's necessary. If you don't know the answer to a question, say so. Never lie.
Answer the questions in a confident, firm voice. Try not to mumble or rush.
Let go.
After the interview, don't spend the rest of the day going back over things you wish you had or hadn't said. Instead, plan to do something you'll enjoy; meet a friend for lunch or play a game of tennis for example.
Whether you get the job or not, ask for feedback on how you did in the interview. Honest feedback means that you can go on to improve your interview style by working on the areas you didn't do so well in. By doing this, you've moved on and started preparing for the next interview.