Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (18 page)

Friday passed in a mellow way, with football on the TV and lots of naps and leftovers. That night, Jaime and Levi had eight kids sleeping in the back yard with them. It seemed to annoy Levi a bit, but Jaime thought it was a blast. Levi often teased him about being a Boy Scout, but the truth was, with the exception of those nights in Craig’s back yard, Jaime’d never had the opportunity to camp out before, and certainly not with a group of laughing, teasing kids. He loved being with Levi’s family. They made him feel normal.

And then suddenly it was Saturday, and the confab. Jaime could tell Levi was nervous about it, and he couldn’t blame him. The weekend had been pleasant so far, and he knew Levi was reluctant to have it all come crashing down.

Jaime’s plan was to head to his room and pack his bags, in case they had to leave early again, but Ruth stopped him as the entire family was heading for the study.

“Come on, Jaime,” she said. “You should join us.” “Yeah, right.” Jaime laughed, thinking she was joking. Then he looked in her eyes and saw she was absolutely serious. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Of course it is.”
Jaime looked over at Levi, hoping for some kind of support. Levi looked as confused as Jaime felt. He was staring at Ruth suspiciously. “Why?” he asked.
“Why not?” She shrugged. She turned back to Jaime. “It’s okay. Jack will be there, too.”
“Yeah, but Jack’s your husband. I’m only—”
“Are you really so interested in watching
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
” she asked, pointing toward the family room where one of the K-Wives was putting a movie in for the kids.
“Well—”
Ruth didn’t wait for him to answer. She turned and went down the hall, leaving behind a bemused Jackson and a confused Levi. Levi saw Jaime’s questioning look and shrugged. “It’s up to you.”
“I don’t think I’d be welcome,” Jaime said.
“They won’t care,” Levi said. “You’re not supposed to talk. Just listen.”
“I think it’d be awkward.”
“I think you should come and keep me company,” Jackson said.
“How can I keep you company if we can’t talk?”
Jackson sighed, looking exasperated. “Look, I was told by my wife to do everything in my power to convince you to come. Now, I know neither of you has ever had to deal with an angry wife, but I’m asking you to take pity on me.”
Levi laughed, and Jaime found himself relenting. After all, Ruth was right about the movie, if nothing else. He’d never been a fan of
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,
whether starring Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp. So, instead of watching a movie or packing his bag, he followed Levi and Jackson into the study. The Binder family was sitting in a circle in the center of the room. Jackson led Jaime to two chairs against the wall.
“Why’s Jaime here?” he heard Jacob ask, and he felt himself start to blush. This was exactly what he’d been afraid of. He stood up to leave, but Jackson put his hand on his shoulder, urging him back down.
“Please don’t touch me,” he said, pushing Jack’s hand away. But it had already served its purpose because Jaime heard Ruth’s response.
“I invited him,” Ruth said, as if no other explanation was needed, and maybe she was right because nobody else seemed to care, and Jacob let the matter drop.
Jaime settled uncomfortably into his chair, wishing he could somehow make himself invisible.
Abraham began the meeting by saying a prayer, then asking if there was any new business. It took a minute for anybody to answer, but Isaac spoke first.
“As of next week, Kristine’s mother will have been cancer-free for two years,” he said simply, then stopped as if he wasn’t sure what else to say.
“That’s wonderful!” Nancy said, and the rest of the family agreed.
Then Rachel spoke. “Some of you know this already, but we had the ultrasound a few weeks ago and we’re having a boy!” She looked around at her family. “Big surprise, right?” she asked, and they all laughed.
“Do you have a name yet?” Nancy asked.
“You know she won’t tell us, even if she does,” Caleb said. “She’s superstitious.”
Rachel blushed, and they all laughed and congratulated her before looking around the circle expectantly. Ruth surprised everybody by saying suddenly, “Levi has something to share.”
Levi turned to her in surprise. “I do?”
“About your job?” Levi’s color rose, and for some reason, he seemed hesitant to say anything. Ruth seemed to have anticipated his reaction because she kept talking for him. “Levi left his old job a couple of weeks ago,” she said. “He has an interview next week at a nursery.”
She turned to Levi, beaming, ignoring the fact he was beet-red and looked terribly uncomfortable. “I think it’s so wonderful you’re finally moving on from the club, and I want you to know I’ll be praying for you to get the job!”
“So will I,” Nancy said.
“What made you quit?” Caleb asked. “After all these years.”
“I don’t know…” Levi glanced nervously over at Jaime.
Jaime wondered if Levi thought he knew the answer because he didn’t.
“I think,” Ruth said, “Levi has personal reasons for quitting the club, and I don’t think we need to go into them here. I wanted him to know that I—well, that
we,
as his family, support the new direction he’s taking.”
Everybody seemed to agree with this, and his siblings congratulated him and wished him luck, even though Levi still looked like he wanted nothing more than to find a deep, dark hole to hide in. Jaime saw Caleb lean over and ask Ruth a question. She whispered something back and then, for some reason Jaime could not comprehend, they both turned to look at him. Jaime sank a little lower in his chair.
“Okay,” Abraham said finally, “anything else?” Nobody answered, so he asked, “Any old business?”
They all looked at Levi nervously, but it was Jacob who broke the silence. “Of course, there’s old business.” He sighed. “The same ‘old business’ we’ve been discussing for the last ten years.”
“I don’t like it any better than you do,” Levi said. “I’d be perfectly happy not to discuss it at all.”
“Levi,” Abraham said, “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’ve done more research into Evergreen International. And the more I learn, the more impressed I am. They’re not a bunch of charlatans out to take people’s money. They’re a non-profit organization. They’ve helped a lot of other Mormons who suffer from same-sex attraction.”
“I wish you wouldn’t say it that way,” Levi said. “You’re the ones who seem to ‘suffer’ because of it. Not me.”
“So you admit you’re causing your family pain and grief?” Isaac asked.
Levi’s laugh held more bitterness than humor. “That was sarcasm, Isaac.”
“Did you even try?” Jacob asked. “After the last meeting, did you even look for a support group?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Do you really need me to answer?”
“I’m not asking why you didn’t change your whole life. I’m only asking why it’s so hard for you to even consider it?”
Levi’s jaw clenched, but he seemed to decide it was best to not answer.
“I think Levi is making progress,” Nancy said. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t like to see more, but I think quitting the club is a wonderful start.”
“I didn’t do it for you,” Levi said quietly.
“Daddy,” Rachel said, sounding scared to death, “I’d like to say something.”
Levi groaned, sinking lower in his chair, and Rachel’s cheeks flushed red.
“Go ahead, sweetpea,” Abraham said.
Now everybody was looking at her, she looked even more unsure, but she didn’t back down. She gripped her hands tight in her lap, in front of her very round, pregnant belly, and sat up straight. “You all know where I stood on this issue in the past.”
“You mean mindlessly echoing whatever Isaac and Dad said?” Levi asked bitterly.
Rachel looked down at her lap. “That’s probably true. But something happened recently to change my mind.”
Her statement surprised everyone, including Levi. They all sat up a little straighter, attentive to what she had to say.
“You might remember me telling you about Cheryl taking a job at a homeless shelter in Salt Lake.”
Jaime glanced over at Jackson, wondering who Cheryl was, and Jackson whispered, “Her husband’s sister.”
“She sent us this email the other day.” She reached with a shaking hand into her back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, which she proceeded to unfold. She glanced over at Levi. “It turns out a lot of homeless kids are gay, too.” She looked around the circle again. “And I think there’s something here we should think about.
“Listen to what she said: ‘The most recent study I read said only five to eight percent of American youths identify as GLBT, but among the homeless, the numbers seem to be much higher. One recent nation-wide study showed as many as twenty to forty percent of homeless youths are GLBT. An informal survey done at shelters in the Salt Lake area indicates the numbers here are even higher, close to fifty percent.’”
Rachel looked up from her paper, and Jaime was surprised to see there were tears in her eyes. “Every day, they get kids in the shelter who were kicked out of their homes for being gay. Last week in Salt Lake, two of these kids froze to death on the street. She says it happens every year. Usually it doesn’t happen this early in the year, but a couple of weeks ago, they had a cold snap. They had record lows for November. And these kids
died
. Not only that, but they have several more who commit suicide. Every single year.”
She stopped to wipe her eyes, and when she spoke again, her voice was firmer. “Homosexual behavior is a sin,” she said, “but what about
this?
What about these parents who find out their kids are gay and throw them out and let them die on the street because of it?” She looked around the room, her eyes full of tears, but blazing with anger, too. “Isn’t that a far worse sin? These were
kids!
And instead of loving them, helping them and protecting them, as our Heavenly Father intended, their parents tossed them out like garbage. And now they’re dead.”
“Rachel,” Isaac said, his voice calm and patient, and more than a bit condescending, “Levi’s not homeless. And he’s not going to freeze to death.”
“That’s not the point.” But the wind seemed to have gone out of her sails. She slumped a bit in her seat, looking down at the crumpled paper in her lap. “I think we’ve all been behaving shamefully,” she said in a soft voice. “Myself included.”
Ruth and Caleb looked pleased. Jacob and Nancy looked confused. Rachel was still crying. Abraham and Isaac looked stunned. And Levi? He looked the most stunned of all. He slowly reached over to Rachel and took her hand. She looked up at him in teary surprise.
“I’m sorry, Levi,” she said. “I always thought I was doing what was best. I know you don’t believe that, but I really did think it was the right thing.”
Isaac snorted in disgust. “How can you think it’s
wrong
now?”
She looked over at him indignantly. “I still believe homosexual behavior is a sin. I still wish Levi would consider Evergreen. I don’t think we’re wrong for wishing he could find happiness in a righteous life,” she said. “I still pray every night he’ll change his mind. But what I’ve realized is, we’re
family.
And I’d rather have a brother who’s gay than one who decides never to come home again.”
“You’re exaggerating,” Isaac snapped. “You’re completely confusing the point!”
“I am not!”
“This isn’t something we can turn a blind eye to. You’re letting your emotions cloud your judgment.”
“Why is it when I agree with you, I’m being logical, but when I agree with Levi, I’m being emotional?”
“Because your position before was supported by church doctrine.”
“The church also teaches us the family is the most important gift we’re given and it’s an integral part of our Heavenly Father’s plan. It should be cherished above all else.”
“Even if one member of the family is a sinner?”
“We’re
all
sinners. That’s part of church doctrine, too, but you like to forget that part.”
“And when Levi comes home with a husband, what then? Will you introduce your new baby to his two
uncles
and tell him that’s part of God’s plan?”
“Enough,” Ruth said, loudly enough to override them both. She looked around the circle at them all. “I think we’ve all said enough,” she said, quieter. “I propose we end the meeting.”
“We haven’t resolved anything,” Isaac said.
Jacob sighed. “We never do.”
“Exactly,” Ruth said. “And screaming at each other isn’t the solution.”
Rachel looked relieved. Isaac actually looked ashamed. He hung his head, red-faced. “You’re right,” he said.
Abraham looked unsure, but most of the rest of them were nodding. Ruth wasn’t finished. “I think for years we’ve been having the same old argument, but things have changed now.” She glanced over at Levi, then, to Jaime’s surprise, she glanced at him. She smiled at him and then looked over at Rachel. “We have new things to think about. I think instead of letting ourselves become emotional and start hurling insults at each other, we should close the meeting. We should take the next four weeks to pray on what’s been said here today and we should discuss it again at Christmas.”
“I agree with Ruth,” Nancy said. “Just once, I’d like to end our weekend together on a happy note. I’d like for us to all walk out of this room feeling like family.”
“We can’t resolve this issue by ignoring it,” Abraham said to his wife.
“We can’t resolve it by fighting, either,” she countered.
Abraham debated for a moment. He looked around at his children and sighed in resignation. “Fine. I think I’m outnumbered here, and it
is
getting late. Let’s say the closing prayer—”
“I’d like to say it, Dad,” Ruth said.
“That’s fine.”
Everybody crossed their arms and bowed their heads, even Jackson. Jaime crossed his arms, but he kept his eyes on the family. Ruth took a minute, seemingly to compose her thoughts, before she started the prayer.
“Heavenly Father, we thank thee for bringing us together today. We thank thee for the many blessings thou has seen fit to bestow upon us. We thank thee for the love we share here, as a family. We gather here together today in the spirit of contrition. In the past, we have asked thee to help turn Levi away from the path of sin he has chosen.”
Jaime glanced at Levi, and saw that his jaw was clenched tight.
“Heavenly Father, we ask now for thy forgiveness for having presumed to know thy will. We offer a new prayer today. We ask instead that in thy wisdom and thy love thou help Levi find that which he seeks.”
Levi’s eyes snapped open, as did Abraham’s, and they both looked at Ruth in surprise. But they said nothing, and nobody else moved at all.
“We ask thee to help Levi find the happiness he deserves. We ask thee to fill the empty place in his heart, and help him become whole, so our family can be whole again too. We ask for thy divine guidance Heavenly Father, in this as in all things.
“We say these things in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”
“Amen,” the rest of the family mumbled.
Everybody stood up, and Jaime lingered in the back of the room, waiting for Levi. Jackson, Jacob and Nancy were already leaving. Abraham, Ruth and Isaac were having a quiet but intense conversation in the corner. Levi and Rachel were talking quietly together. Rachel was still crying, and as Jaime watched, Levi pulled her into his arms and hugged her. It was nice to see him making peace with her.
“What did you think?” asked a voice next to him.
Jaime turned to find Caleb beside him, smiling. “I’m glad it ended well,” Jaime said.