Frederick's Coat (5 page)

He could leverage his cash, less the hundred he gave Evelyn for the kids’ presents. Take out four hundred for a big grocery shop with lots of treats; Evelyn could indulge in stuff she’d had to walk past before. That left two fucking sweet grand to put on two — no, spread it over four — horses, four hundred to win, a hundred a place to at least get some, if not most, of his dough back. But really, he couldn’t miss. And if a longer
shot came home? Another voice, his father’s, said gambling is a mug’s game. But what the hell, sometimes even a mug must back a winner.

Evelyn would be a while yet. In no time he found a TAB.

At his request she took the long way through the city that used to be his playground, though he didn’t direct her right into the heart of his old haunts. What was the point? Out at Penrith in the west a road sign said it wasn’t much further to the Blue Mountains, which were looming purple in the near distance. But Penrith was too new and way too suburban, bland, not his scene at all.

They went up rickety wooden steps that creaked to a cheaply constructed stucco building housing a few flats. He could hear a kid bawling downstairs and the mother shouting at it, spotted the familiar figures of the idle unemployed. First thing he’d do with the winnings was find a better flat, in a better area. Put a hand in his pocket to touch the TAB tickets. Come in, spinner. What his old man used to say when, as bookmaker, he didn’t want a heavily backed horse to win.

Johno held back his shock at the tininess of the place, how it was on the wrong side for the sun. He’d left his family in a big city apartment with the rent paid up two months ahead and ten grand in cash. Now they were in this dump?

‘Home sweet home,’ she said, and he’d never seen such a thin smile.

‘We’ll soon have that changed. Man, it’s good to be out.’ He was aware of the nervous sexual energy in his body. That damn sigh, and it went on seconds too long.

He said, ‘Take your time. I’m not coming on with a rush.’ Not what his body was telling him.

‘It’s okay.’ But her tear-filled eyes said it wasn’t. ‘Just have to get used to it — to you — again.’

She sounded like she was seventy years old and weary of life.

‘Evelyn …?’ God, couldn’t she hear how plaintive he was? ‘I meant it. I’m finished with crime. And when you think about it, it wasn’t the longest criminal career.’

‘No, it wasn’t. The kids and I lasted longer out here,’ said Evelyn. She’d definitely hardened. ‘I’ll believe what my eyes see, not what your mouth promises. You want to go to bed?’

‘Not if you don’t. No.’

‘Can you give me time?’

‘Like I said.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You don’t have to say that,’ he said. ‘I should be on my knees begging forgiveness for putting you and our kids in a place like this. Jesus Christ, but this isn’t what I’d imagined it would be like.’

‘Nothing ever is,’ she said. ‘You want coffee? I don’t have any alcohol in the place, sorry.’

‘
Stop
saying sorry. I’ll get some later. Too early, at any rate. Why don’t we go for a walk? You can show me around.’

‘I’d do it for you,’ she said.

‘Do what?’ Before he got it. Felt like collapsing in a heap on the worn carpet. Wished he was back in jail and restarting this homecoming.

‘No. No,’ he said again. ‘Only when you’re ready.’

‘Johno …? I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,’ she said. His lifted hand precluded another sorry.

‘Look, I do understand.’ Even if he was hurt and confused. ‘I do get it. Okay?’

By the time he finished his little spiel on how determined he was to go straight and how he’d realised what a prick he was, she was weeping in his arms and he was tearful too.

‘But we can work this through,’ he said, ‘for the kids’ sake. And for us.’

This was a more mature man speaking. Except that he’d wagered money on a horse race that he intended to slip away and watch in some pub. Come home either a hero or zero.

‘Since you spilled your guts I’ll have a turn,’ she said. And proceeded to tell him of the financial and emotional struggle, of bouts of misery so bad she thought she’d developed depression, of how super-sensitive
and distant Danny could be — how he might sit up drawing till two in the morning and how she stayed awake, afraid he might go wandering. Told of his timid nature, his deathly fear of spiders and cockroaches — ‘plenty of those here. Comes of his vivid imagination. He’s a creative kid who dreams on a grand scale like you wouldn’t believe.’ Kept going back to how low her moods got, that she’d even had thoughts of taking her own life — ‘if it wasn’t for the kids’.

He could have died of shame. And it was worse because, as they sat there, he realised that she didn’t love him and he wasn’t sure he loved her.

I
n this Penrith suburban pub, jammed to the rafters with Melbourne Cup fans, the beer had gone straight to his head, but he did feel a lot better. At one stage two of his horses were running first and third. The excitement — and not a little fear — was unbearable. He felt alone and completely irrelevant, like he’d arrived in the middle of a game and didn’t know the rules. Or at a party he wasn’t invited to.

He still had first place right up to about a hundred metres. Then the lead changed and the confusion returned. He no longer saw the screen, no matter which one he looked at.

Next he heard the TV commentator say that Mahogany, owned by Australia’s richest man, Kerry Packer, had won. How could that be? Where were Johno’s four horses? Surely he was at least in the placings?

He just wanted to die again.

In between the unfamiliar indignity of being interviewed for low-paid jobs and not following up when told his application was successful, the relationship was clearly over: he and Evelyn argued every day. A man not inclined to being drawn into heated discussion, as it achieved nothing that he could see, he’d had more arguments in seven weeks than in his entire thirty-nine-month prison sentence. The single sex act had brought back old memories of sleeping with a hooker: degrading for both parties but at least one of them got paid. The kids didn’t like him — naturally enough, they saw him as an unwanted intruder in their lives.

For all his best intentions it seemed more and more that his fate was fixed, that he would follow in the Ryan male tradition and make his living unlawfully since he couldn’t get himself to accept a lowly job.

Then Evelyn made a shock announcement. She was leaving.

Now he was on the sofa bed, early on Boxing Day morning, as Evelyn and Leah bustled around before their departure. Johno too shattered even to say goodbye to his daughter, too gutless to wish his wife well, too stunned to ask how on earth he was expected to cope with Danny, his whole life turned upside down not yet two months out of prison.

Listening to the thumps and creaks of the two descending the stairs, Leah’s questioning voice and her mother hushing her. Dawn light was just coming through the window with its close view of the neighbour’s roof. Little traffic noise because the country was on holiday. He didn’t know how Evelyn had explained things to Danny, still sleeping.

Not long afterwards the kid came out of his bedroom and even in his befuddled state nothing could take away from the good looks inherited from his mother — the dark hair, the molten brown eyes, the olive complexion. And how could a boy not quite five years old have such a sultry mouth?

‘Where’s Leah gone?’

His sister slept in the same room. Johno didn’t know what to say, just watched as Danny went to his mother’s door, opened it. ‘Where have they gone?’

‘She and Mum have gone out for awhile.’

‘Where? Why have they gone without me?’ Next Danny was sobbing, calling for his missing mother and sister.

‘Come on, let’s go to the dairy.’ He’d run out of cigarettes. ‘I’ll buy you something — whatever you want. How’s that?’ Still couldn’t call him Danny.

‘
Noooo!
I want my mummy! I want Leah!’

Desperate for a smoke, Johno said, ‘Any sweets you want. Ice cream … Take your pick, kid.’ And when Danny only wailed Johno said, ‘If the big shops were open I’d take you to buy some new paints and brushes.
Day after tomorrow they open again and you and I are going shopping.’ But the kid wasn’t listening.

For Christmas yesterday Danny had handed his father a book on thoroughbred horses, bought by Evelyn, who should have known he didn’t like race horses that much. Betting on them was a different matter. Leah at least made something of a fuss with her present of a pair of socks. Johno had gone to the trouble of finding a store that specialised in artwork tools and supplies and got Danny good-quality drawing paper, and a set of the finest pens. The kid was big on detail in his drawings. Leah’s various presents, girl stuff, were bought by her mother with Johno’s name attached. That was yesterday, adults acting out a happy family Christmas Day, at the end of which Evelyn dropped her bombshell.

‘I’m on anti-depressants,’ she informed him. ‘But we can’t get the balance right. I feel I’m going to implode, and you not taking up any of the job offers doesn’t help. So I’ve made a decision, heart-breaking though it is.’

‘Where have they gone? Do you know where? Leah’s stuff has gone.’

‘They had to go away for a little while—’ Johno got no more out, as the kid screamed even louder.

‘I’ll take you on a big Ferris wheel day after tomorrow when everything opens up again. How about a trip to the zoo? You could take your drawing things and make pictures of the animals. A lion. Draw a giraffe. But today, sorry, all the shops are closed except the dairy.’

Another deafening scream, his little chest heaving, the front of his pyjama top wet with tears and snot. ‘
Why
have they gone? When are they coming back? Why did they leave me?’

‘Danny?’

‘
Go away
! I want my mummy and sister back. You go away. Go away. Go
away
!’

The neighbours must be wondering what all the fuss was. The kid hadn’t let up for a good hour. If he didn’t have a cigarette soon … Johno felt like his mind was exploding.

He said, ‘I’m popping out to get some smokes. Be back in no time.’

‘You’re not allowed to leave me alone! I want Mummy! I want Mummy!’

You want, you want, you want what you can’t have. And it wasn’t him who’d walked out of the child’s life. But what if he ducked out for quarter of an hour and the kid did something drastic?

Danny took to his room where he went on a door-kicking mission. Then a knock at the front door — probably a neighbour, or the cops. Anyone was a relief.

His father let himself in, heard the noise. ‘Cripes. You got an angry wombat in there?’

‘Hasn’t stopped since he woke up. Evelyn’s walked out, taken Leah. Danny’s my responsibility — her parting words.’

‘So she did it, eh? God almighty, that’s one boy in big protest.’

‘Was I ever like that? I mean is this normal?’

‘No. You were younger when your mother — when I kicked her out,’ said Laurie. ‘But you could’ve put money on it, just her gloomy expression.’

Thumping and breaking sounds of objects being thrown around Danny’s bedroom. ‘You taking sides already?’ said Johno.

‘Aw, come on. You know you’ve been out of order for a long time. I told you, you were too young for a wife and kids. Our way of life doesn’t suit marriage. And you’re not long out of—’ Laurie checked himself. ‘Better not say that word in case he hears it. Wouldn’t help matters right now, would it?’

‘You’d think the kids would know,’ Johno said. Watched his father take out his cigarettes, offer one expertly thumbed halfway out the packet, followed by a gold-plated Dunhill lighter. Old crims have a thing for them — same with slim, expensive watches, diamond rings, anything that has a brand name and costs money. ‘Smoke?’

‘No,’ Johno said, surprising himself. ‘Later. So what do I do about him?’

‘Just hang in there,’ said Laurie Ryan, sucking on his cigarette. ‘I was
lucky. You were only eleven months old so you didn’t really know a thing and I had a girlfriend who was a big help. What you need’s a chick, a good woman to take the load off you.’

‘Dad, she left this morning, crack of dawn. Gi—’ Johno winced as the door shook under Danny’s kicks. The kid had stamina. ‘I have to get a job, not find a replacement for Evelyn.’

‘Don’t worry. I’ll keep you going till you get this little bloke settled.’

‘Doesn’t sound too hopeful, does it?’

‘Like getting out of jail, like anything a bit painful in life. Doesn’t end, and then it does. What kind of job? Not as a common wage earner, I take it?’

‘What else is there?’ Johno said, wondering if he shouldn’t reiterate his decision to live a straight life.

‘Well, your Gramps knows someone who moves stolen cars inter-state. He’s been a bit crook of late or he’d be here. You’d be a go-between, right away from the heat end of the business,’ said Laurie. ‘Good dough in it.’

‘No, thanks. Come on, I said I was never going back inside.’

‘Sure. But we all have to eat, and you have an extra mouth. How about my mate up in Brisbane? Wants an out-of-towner to follow his casino staff in their off-hours to take photos of who they mix with to see who’s ripping him. He’ll pay well. Beats a wage and it’s legit.’

‘The casino legal?’

‘Kind of. He’s got the cops on-side. Corruption is still rife up there in blowfly and cane-toad country. You want I call him?’

Johno was tempted, but no. ‘A taste’s never that, is it?’ A thought then, that smoking was the same as sticking to the lawful way: he’d gone most of the morning without one and yet had he died? But then again, what if he couldn’t cope with this fatherhood lark?

‘If I can’t get Danny on my side, do I hand him over to welfare? Tell them the mother left no forwarding address, only her lawyer’s name?’

‘She’ll make contact, you can bet on it. Any mother, like …’ Laurie trailed off to let his son finish for him.

‘Like even mine did. Not something I’d forget.’

‘No, you wouldn’t.’

‘Too late to say you should’ve let her talk to me a bit.’

‘I was too hasty. But you were better off not knowing her. Junkies are on a one-way street.’

‘To hell, right?’

‘Whole world agrees on that,’ Laurie said. ‘Evelyn’s parents still got the pip with you?’

‘Absolutely. From the day I got charged.’

‘I guess any parent would take that attitude,’ said Laurie. ‘I mean law-abiding parents.’

‘How about a single parent?’

‘You’re asking me?’

‘Till I was ten and then, hello, early adulthood. Johno Ryan can look after himself. But I’m not going back to the past.’

‘I still raised you.’

‘If the authorities knew how, you’d’ve been back in jail.’

‘Didn’t seem to do you any harm. Did I love you?’

‘Sure you did. And I forgive you. But how am I going to do this?’

‘I’ll bring you in on my little goer, make a lawful living selling cars on my mate’s lot. Since you went away everything’s changed. After the royal commission, the politicians jumped on the bandwagon and ordered massive clean-ups of the police, of corruption across the board. I’d say those detectives who sent you down will be taking over your cell. Despite what your wife — ex-wife — thinks, I finished with crime a couple years ago. I pay my mate Wrighty a ground rental for the space I use, find sellers desperate for cash, screw them down even further, put my margin on. It’s not a bad living. Anything rather than work for a wage.’ That one again, heard from his father and grandfather since that day they told him they weren’t what they seemed: ordinary, law-abiding citizens.

‘At least you’re doing it honestly.’

‘Not when you see me negotiate these desperado sellers down into the dust, son. You’ll wonder if I was more moral being a crim,’ his father
chuckled. ‘They could have me up for mental cruelty
and
stealing. But it is legit. Jesus, listen to him …’ Danny was banging a hard object repeatedly against the door.

‘He’s just shy of five,’ said Johno, ‘but he’ll break that door down any moment. Or I will. Can you believe it?’

‘You’ve got thirteen more years of him, minimum. Unless he runs away. He’ll get fed up soon, or wear himself out,’ Laurie said.

The cigarette smoke had a delicious aroma yet Johno had once again got through the body’s surging demand for nicotine. One whole day without and he’d have the victory, tiny and petty though it was.

‘When I was his age and making a fuss, what did you do to settle me?’

‘I hope your memory’s not saying I hit you?’ Laurie got defensive. ‘I never laid a hand on you.’

‘Didn’t say you did. I asked how you calmed me down.’

‘I can’t remember you ever losing it. Not like that. Your Gramps never laid a hand on me, either. Have to say, what little I’ve seen of Danny he’s different.’

‘Day I got out I gave his mother money to buy him a big paint set. He didn’t say thank you, not a word. Yet he used them every waking moment. Same at Christmas, big drawing pad, fine pencils, brushes, and he just tore open the box and started drawing and painting,’ said Johno. ‘Now I know I was grateful for anything you and Gramps gave me.’

‘They say gratitude can’t be taught. You’re either grateful or you feel entitled—.’ The door under attack again. ‘Cripes for a kid I thought was gentle he knows how to throw one.’

‘It’s like his arty streak. I don’t know where it comes from.’

‘Don’t be looking at the Ryan side. Must come from his mother. You just have to stay patient. Losing his mum and his sister is about as big a blow as you can get at his age. Imagine being in his head. Here. This’ll keep you going.’ Laurie handed over a wad of bills. ‘He’ll come right.’

With perfect timing the sounds of shattering glass came from Danny’s room.

Johno shook his head and said, ‘You know I’m grateful.’

‘Wouldn’t give you money if you weren’t,’ said Laurie, then surprised Johno. ‘And don’t be leaving him alone like I did you. Too late to say I’m sorry. Was it, like, hard? Did you get scared? I always left you plenty of food in the house and you had Shane’s mum.’

Forcing a smile, Johno said, ‘Felt like you and Gramps had abandoned me, and for no reason. But I’m over it.’

‘And I’m sorry,’ said Laurie. ‘Way late, but truly sorry. Guess a man doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.’

Johno said, ‘I haven’t won Father of the Year myself.’

Now look at the situation — at him, Danny. Beautiful. A year’s a long time. Seemed acceptance came the day Danny appeared in his father’s room saying he’d had a bad dream. When told he could hop in with his father, the boy at first just stood there. Then he came and stood right by Johno and didn’t resist being lifted and taken into the bed.

The boy had fallen asleep in his father’s embrace; Johno lay there awake, fearful that any movement on his part would break the spell. It was the worst sleep and the best night of his newly reformed life. Danny came back often after that, a given that it was to his father’s arms. Thank God, too, for the distraction of his art, which could make him oblivious to anything.