Eighteen Kisses (16 page)

‘You don’t have a choice.’

‘Aren’t you meant to be in school?’

‘It’s sports day,’ said Hannah. ‘Sophie and I do not do sports day. Come on, we’ll pick her up on the way there.’

Hannah opened the wardrobe and pulled out my denims and Janis Joplin T-shirt.

‘Put these on,’ she said.

Usually I love shopping. I adore looking at clothes and bags and shoes. I could do it for hours and not get bored. But today every step was a chore. I didn’t want to be outside, I wanted to go back to bed. It took all of my energy to simply not start crying in public. Every song they play in shopping centres is a love song. Every. Single. One. Hundreds of songs filled with lies and empty promises and fake feelings. If they played Michael Bublé again I was going to crack. Hannah and Sophie tried their best to cheer me up, and I really did try not to be so grumpy, for their sake.

‘What do you think?’ asked Sophie, holding up a purple dress.

‘I dunno,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s not really you.’

‘I like it,’ I said. ‘I bet it would look nice on.’

‘I’ll try it on,’ said Sophie. ‘If that’s OK?’

‘Yeah, sure,’ I said.

I followed Hannah and Sophie around Dundrum shopping centre, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Instead I was still analysing, still trying to figure out what Nick was thinking, but I couldn’t. I think that’s one of the major tragedies of life. It was funny how Kayla and Beth had been able to get inside my head, infiltrate my dreams, show me what had happened to them, and yet I didn’t know what my own living boyfriend … living ex-boyfriend … was thinking. You can never get inside somebody else’s head – you’ll never be able to find out
what they are really thinking. Even when someone tells you, you don’t really know. And I think that’s what hurt the most. Not the rejection or the betrayal. It was the not knowing what was going through his head in that split second when he decided that what we had just wasn’t worth holding on to. That moment when he decided I was disposable.

I could hear Colin’s words ringing in my ears – ‘You need to cut that loose, Jacki, because he’s not treating you right.’

Hannah held up two different eye shadows.

‘Which one?’ she said.

I shrugged.

‘You should buy a dress,’ she said. ‘That’ll make you feel better. And you need something to wear to karaoke at Rage on Friday.’

‘Oh, I dunno, Han, I don’t think I’m up for karaoke.’

‘But you LOVE karaoke,’ she said.

I somehow managed to make it through to lunch and we sat up on the stools at the sushi counter. I watched the brightly coloured plastic cartons go by on the conveyor belt. Hannah and Sophie were discussing their purchases. After much persuasion from Hannah I’d bought something. Usually I’d be excited about finding such a nice dress in exactly the right size, but nothing could cheer me up today. I still wasn’t hungry either. I wasn’t even going to attempt to eat. If Hannah and Sophie were getting tired of my mood, they didn’t say anything. I guess you get a free pass when something like this happens. Because everyone knows what it’s like to be dumped. And if they don’t they’re lucky.

When I got home, I promised Hannah I wouldn’t get back
into bed, so instead I decided to write some lyrics. It wasn’t very enjoyable though because I just ended up writing particularly angry stuff.

The next morning I was at
Electric
magazine, feeling only slightly better. On top of everything that had happened with Nick, I was obviously coming down with something. This only added to my grumpiness. I tried to keep busy, but there wasn’t much to do. I think Ellie thought my bad mood was somehow related to the case, that I was worn out from working so hard on it, so she hadn’t given me much work. This made me feel guilty on top of everything else. I felt like I’d abandoned Kayla over the last few days. I’d been so obsessed with my own problems that I’d forgotten the real reason I was in Dublin. I had to snap out of it.

‘Are you OK?’ said Dillon, taking off his headphones.

‘Yeah,’ I lied. ‘I’m just really tired.’

I’d decided not to tell him about Nick, mainly because whenever I attempted to tell anyone my eyes welled up with tears. I was sure he’d find out eventually anyway.

‘I can’t believe the two weeks are almost up,’ he said, looking at me intently. ‘I wish I could stay here forever. I’ll miss doing all this with you, Jacki.’

I stopped in my tracks. Did he just say he was going to miss me? No, no. He just meant he’d miss
working
with me.
I peeped up at him, trying to form a sensible response, but was too flustered by the way he was looking at me and by everything that had happened with Nick.

‘Um, yeah. I’ll miss it too.’ I stumbled over my words. ‘I –’

‘Jacki, Dillon, will you come into the office for a moment?’ Ellie called us in and with the tension of the moment suddenly broken, I wasn’t sure if I felt relieved or not.

We were ushered in and Ellie shut the door. ‘I’ll show you some photos of the location for tomorrow’s shoot,’ she said. ‘It’s just perfect; it’s so bleak, it really captures the mood of the –’

‘Oh my god!’ I blurted as she enlarged the picture.

Ellie turned round and looked at me, surprised.

‘It’s … it’s just so beautiful!’ I said.

‘Isn’t it just! I’m glad you think so too. So, hair and make-up starts at seven a.m. …’

As Ellie filled us in with the rest of the details of the shoot, I stood at the desk staring at the photo in a daze. It was like somebody had taken a snapshot of my dream and put it on the Internet. I know lots of roads look the same, but this was unbelievably similar. I felt a shiver run down my back. I could hear the clinking of the camera and the clip-clop of the heels and I could see the brown eyes of the man in the balaclava.

‘Jacki,’ said Ellie. ‘You don’t look well at all. Do you want to go home?’

‘No thanks,’ I said. ‘I’ll be fine.’

I would. I had to be. This was clearly a sign.

One thing I learned the next morning was that it’s really, REALLY cold in the Dublin mountains at 7 a.m., even in
May. Ellie, Cliona and Patricia were all wearing fur jackets – they’d obviously done this before. I tried to stop shivering and concentrate on what I had to do. Willis Middleton was sitting on one of those director’s chairs, wearing skinny jeans, a loose white T-shirt, a black leather jacket and lots of beads round his neck. He was holding a copy of his latest record, a concept album entitled
Fear
.

‘And for one last question … what scares you?’ asked the reporter, in a very serious voice.

‘Hmm … I’m not sure,’ said Willis. ‘I guess … nothing!’

Willis rarely does interviews, so everybody had been warned to be extra nice to him. ‘Humour him,’ were the words Ellie had used. I was too busy looking around, hoping to see the barbed-wire fence. We’d driven up a road that was uncannily similar to the one from my dream and walked through the unkempt grass, but I was yet to find the most important place. I thought maybe I’d see Kayla, but nothing had happened yet. I tried wandering off a few times, but each time Ellie would call me back to make sure Willis had enough water or enough choc-chip cookies. He actually wasn’t that demanding at all. I think he’d calmed down a lot since coming out of rehab. He’d been telling me how he didn’t drink coffee any more when I’d offered him some because he found it interfered with his meditation. He didn’t seem that crazy at all. But the
Electric
staff were all still pretty on edge, like he was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any second. I myself felt really sick, and wondered if it was from lack of sleep.

When it was time for Willis to get his photographs taken, Dillon and I walked him back to his trailer, and he changed into what looked like the exact same pair of skinny jeans.

‘Stay right there, that’s perfect,’ said the photographer. ‘These are great.’ I was getting frustrated. Surely this would be over soon? How many photos of Willis with his legs crossed, leaning slightly forward in the middle of the road, did they actually need? After what felt like an age, they moved him over to the trees, and then further into the field to get some more shots. Ellie asked Dillon and me to stay behind and start packing up all the outfits, none of which Willis had actually agreed to wear. I didn’t blame him – some of them looked seriously dodgy.

‘That’s a wrap, folks,’ said Ellie a few minutes later.

‘Brilliant,’ said Willis. ‘This means I’ll be able to catch my flight to New York after all.’

Ellie smiled, obviously delighted that the whole thing had gone off without a hitch. But her expression soon changed when she saw the anxious look on Willis’s face.

‘Crap,’ he said. ‘I think I must have dropped my Zippo … my wife got it for me for our anniversary – it’s engraved and everything. She’s going to KILL me.’

‘Jacki will find it,’ said Ellie with such assurance that it actually scared me. I already felt sick and I was in no state to be left in charge of finding an expensive and sentimental lighter. I trudged into the field, muck clinging to my Converse. I walked in the same direction they’d taken, hoping to see a glint of silver in among all the grass, but I found nothing. I kept looking and looking and I could hear Ellie calling my name, but I didn’t answer. What did she think I was, some sort of miracle worker? Then I saw it; not the lighter, but the barbed-wire fence.

It ran between the field we were in and the next. I rushed
over to it and got the strangest feeling. I felt like I was sinking, even though I was standing perfectly still. I felt like everything was moving around me, just like I had the first time I’d dreamed about Kayla. Then I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, her red hair speeding past me in a blur.

This was it. I’d found it – I’d found her grave. I couldn’t believe it. I had to tell Detective Sergeant Lawlor straight away.

Then, on the other side of the fence I saw something glinting in the sunlight – Willis’s lighter. I made a mental note of exactly where I was, then took a few pictures on my phone, just to be sure I could find the place again. Then I rushed back to the others.

‘Oh, wow,’ said Willis. ‘Thank you so much! You’re an angel.’

‘It’s OK, no big deal,’ I said.

‘No, you don’t understand – the missus would actually have murdered me. I don’t usually do this,’ he said, ‘but here’s my card.’ He handed me his business card and smiled. Then he said goodbye to everyone and got into his car. He gave me the call-me signal from the window.

‘If you’re ever in NY, hit me up,’ he shouted as the car pulled away.

‘Wow. Well done, Jacki!’ said Dillon, putting his hand on my arm. We both realized what he had done and stepped apart hastily.

‘Dillon, I … er … I need to make a call.’

And I stumbled off.

Matt answered straight away.

‘I think I know where she’s buried,’ I said.

‘You serious?’

‘Yes. I’ve got an exact location – it’s in the Dublin mountains. There’s obviously no sign of a grave now because it’s all overgrown, but I know she’s buried there, I’d bet my life on it. We have to start digging.’

‘It doesn’t work like that, Jacki. I can’t just start digging. I need to give the team a reason.’

‘I’m giving you one. I have a strong feeling that she’s buried down there.’

‘I need a name, Jacki. I need some evidence. Detective Sergeant Lonergan is concerned that you haven’t come up with a name for us yet. Now this isn’t my view at all. I’m just telling you what he said. I told him that you are the best there is and that you’ll have something for us when the time is right, but he’s getting impatient.’

‘What exactly did he say?’ I asked. ‘Tell me, I can handle it.’

‘He said … he said he doesn’t know if you’re up to it.’

‘I know where she’s buried.’

‘I need a warrant to search there, and I can’t get one of those without –’

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I’m still working on it. I’ll do everything I can to get you a name. Just hold on for another little while.’

Now that I’d found where I believed she was buried, I suddenly had a renewed passion for solving the case. I’d let the real reason I was in Dublin get all swallowed up by everything that was happening in my love life (or lack of) and I felt bad. I was going to give Kayla justice and solve this case once and for all.

I called Andrew and asked to meet him at the ice-cream place. He started to protest, muttering something about going to Calum’s, but eventually agreed.

When I got there, Andrew was sitting by himself in a corner of the café, tapping his fingers on the table. It was really obvious he didn’t want to be there. He nodded when he saw me, but didn’t smile. That was fine with me – I didn’t need a welcoming committee. I just had one question I needed him to answer.

‘Would you like to explain this?’ I said, showing him the photograph of Kayla in the jersey.

‘I didn’t take that,’ he said.

‘It was on your phone.’