Descending Surfacing (22 page)

‘
I don’t know, Em.’

‘
Did he and mum get divorced? How did he get re-married?’

‘
He doesn’t seem to have got re-married. I can’t get over what a bastard he was!’ Gareth stood up and paced round the room.

‘
Why did he want to go that far away? Did he hate us?’ My mind went along its own track.

‘
I just can’t believe- we worried all that time.’

‘
It killed Mum. That’s what killed her. She didn’t have a boyfriend after he left. And we were all worried he’d been in an accident-‘ Tears suddenly burnt my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. ‘We worried for so long and no-one told us anything. We were just left to cope!’

Gareth turned to me and his eyes were full of tears too.

‘
I’m sorry, Em. At least- at least he had a life though, and didn’t- die.’

‘
I wish he had! How dare he treat us - and Mum - like that. She never knew what happened. She went to her grave thinking something awful had happened to him. I hate him!’

‘
I- well- I used to hate him. But there’s no point. It only damages you. Please don’t hate him, Em.’

This wasn’t the angry young brother I used to know.

‘
I’ve spent so long hating him, I can’t stop.’ I wept.

‘
You can. You have Adam now. And all your friends, and me.’ Gareth hugged me. ‘At least now we know what happened.’

‘
Do you think Mum knows now? She’s supposed to be in heaven, isn’t she?’ I felt like a little girl again, going back to the time when Daddy left.

‘
I’m sure she knows. She’s at rest now.’

‘
Where did you get so wise?’

‘
I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘Life. The love of a good woman. Counselling. You should try it. The counselling I mean, I don’t think you need the love of a good woman.’

I laughed a little.

‘
You’re an idiot.’

*  *  *

I spoke to Tess about my idea to write children’s books. She was in the publishing business, after all.

‘
That is really a great idea, Emily.’ She was more enthusiastic than I’d ever seen her before. ‘There is a huge market out there for them. I could help you promote them. I’ve got contacts.’

‘
You seem very jolly.’

‘
Am I usually miserable, then?’

‘
No. Just business like. Tell me to butt out, but is there a man in your life now?’

‘
Might be.’ She giggled. She wasn’t normally a giggler.

‘
Is it someone I know?’

‘
Might be. Anyway, the best place for you to start is to make a list of your ideas for children’s stories and work out what age group you want to concentrate on…’

*  *  *

Jamie came round with his mum the next week. Stacey picked up Adam immediately and cooed over him, sitting comfortably in a chair while I sat down on the sofa with Jamie.

‘
Sorry about before.’ He fiddled with the sofa cushion. ‘Not talking to you on the phone and that.’

‘
It’s alright. I just thought you were a wimp who couldn’t stand up to his girlfriend.’

Stacey sniggered. I wasn’t going to make it easy for him, but when had I ever made his life easy?

‘
Yeah, I- well, you’re right.’ He avoided my eyes, then shot me a quick glance like he used to.

‘
So are you still going out with Amy?’

‘
Nah, I’ve got another girlfriend now.’ He blushed.

‘
Oo-ooh, what’s her name?’

‘
Jade.’

I laughed. ‘Jade and Jamie? You always pick girlfriends with names which sound silly with yours.’

The door buzzer went and it was Eric.

‘
Come in,’ I automatically kissed him on the cheek as I did with all my friends nowadays. He smiled.

‘
This is Jamie and his mother Stacey. This is Eric, a friend of mine.’

Stacey came over with Adam and handed him to Jamie.

Eric and Jamie eyed each other, and it wasn’t in a friendly way, but Jamie looked away first.

‘
Cuppa tea?’ asked Stacey. ‘Eric, could you show me where everything is please?’ She lead him into the kitchen, not taking no for an answer. I knew that she knew where everything was though.

‘
That your boyfriend?’ asked Jamie, rocking Adam a little. He said the word boyfriend disapprovingly.

‘
What if he is?’

‘
Well- I-‘

‘
Do you expect me to live like a nun? You go off having girlfriends. I’m going to have boyfriends, aren’t I?’

The old familiar processing expression was there again.

‘
But Adam’s still my son, isn’t he?’ he burst out. ‘You’re not going to get married and take him away, are you?’

‘
That’s jumping the gun a bit. I’d never stop you seeing him. Even if that’s what you tell your mum.’

He looked away.

‘
It was really mean of you to pretend I was stopping you seeing Adam. Really unfair.’

‘
Sorry.’

‘
You should be. I’d never keep him from you.’

‘
I said I was sorry!’

‘
Hm. Well-’ I shrugged, ‘just remember that.’

‘
Okay.’

‘
Does Jade mind that you’re a dad?’

‘
No, I said to her: I’ve got a baby son, if you don’t like it, don’t go out with me. But she didn’t mind. She likes babies and shit.’

I patted his arm and our eyes met. He wasn’t a bad person, he was just doing his best. Adam chuckled, pulling at Jamie’s t-shirt.

‘
Here’s the tea.’ Stacey bustled in with Eric loitering behind her. Jamie and I quickly sat back from each other.

‘
So, how do you know Emily?’ Stacey questioned Eric.

‘
We are old school friends. We lost touch over the years, and now, through the power of Facebook, we’ve met again.’

We all chatted for a while, then Stacey said they had to go.

‘
Sorry, love. It's getting dark and I don’t want Jamie driving in the dark yet.’

‘
You drove your mum’s car here?’

He grinned. ‘Yeah! I can get my license soon, I need all the practice I can get.’

‘
You love driving now, don’t you?’ Stacey commented. ‘The only way I can get you to go anywhere is if I let you drive, isn’t it?’

So that was the real reason he’d come.

He handed Adam to me.

‘
Shall I come round every month?’

‘
Okay. If it's convenient.’

‘
It will be.’

‘
I’ve got something to tell you,’ said Eric the minute Jamie and Stacey had gone.

I was busy getting a feed ready for Adam, so muttered vaguely. Eric was cuddling him, making baby noises and faces to distract him from his hunger.

‘
I’m getting a divorce. Amita wants to marry someone else. I knew she had another boyfriend, we just didn’t get round to divorcing.’

‘
Oh yeah?’ I wasn’t going to be too enthusiastic. I still hadn’t quite forgiven him for not telling me he was married.

‘
So… Look I’m trying to say I’ll be free soon. Not that I’m expecting anything, but… you’re free and I’m free, for once.’

‘
Mm hm.’

‘
You are free, aren’t you? You’re not still- involved- with- with Adam’s father?’

‘
No! Definitely not!’ A moment on the sofa did not count, that was just remembering the past.

After he’d left, and the flat was quiet, I thought about this development. I liked Eric. I really liked him. All these passionate relationships I’d had before - swept away by forbidden love and secret meetings - had been immature, fantasies of a lonely girl. Perhaps it was time to give different type of relationship a chance, where I knew the man for what he was and not for what I thought he could do for me.

Was this unromantic or just more sensible? I mused over it and the idea took root.

*  *  *

It was a while since I’d seen Shane, but here he was again, turning up like a bad penny.

‘
Why don’t you come to the club again, Emily?’ he asked, sitting on my sofa with Adam on his knee. ‘I promise I won’t let any boys start fighting.’

I laughed as I folded the washing.

‘
It’s so great there. I just love the job. Think I’ll leave the architecture for a while and have some fun.’

‘
Fun? Does that involve boyfriends?’

He gave a wicked grin. ‘Ah, wouldn’t you like to know?’

‘
I would actually.’

‘
It’s like a- I’m like a kid in a candy shop,’ he enthused. ‘So many fit fellas, you know what I mean?’

‘
Don’t corrupt my son, he’s only a baby.’

‘
At least he’ll be a broad-minded boy, won’t you, eh? Who’s a clever baby?’

‘
You’re soppier than I am,’ I laughed. ‘Go on, tell me who your latest boyfriend is?’

‘
Ah, Danny, he’s so gorgeous. Nothing serious mind, don’t want to get tied down. Oh, did I tell you? I told my dad I’m gay.’

‘
Oh yes, what happened?’

‘
He was shocked, but I think Ma had a word to him beforehand. She said she’d known I was gay for years but my Dad, he never sees things like that. And two of my sisters and one of my brothers worked it out years ago but didn’t like to say. So I was all worried about nothing.’

‘
I knew it! So your dad didn’t mind?’

‘
Nah, he was cool. He’s got so many grandchildren, he wasn’t worried about having more. He said as long as I’m happy and not lonely. It's so important to feel you’re not alone in life.’

I suddenly remembered Eamonn Kelly saying that the day I went into his news agency after my doctor’s appointment. How my life had changed since that shocking day.

‘
Anyway, these days, I could have kids, couldn’t I?’ continued Shane.

‘
You’re not taking Adam.’

‘
Of course not, you tart. I could find some gorgeous fella, settle down and- but anyway, not yet awhile. I want to have a bit of fun first. Talking of gorgeous fellas, how’s that Eric?’

*  *  *

‘
I don’t think he’s seen the stars before.’ I held Adam up to look although he didn’t seem to be impressed. More sleepy.

‘
You’ve certainly got a good view from here,’ observed Eric. ‘Look, there’s Venus.’

We were watching our friends leave from the window. My DVD evenings had now become a fixture in my social calendar and took place at least monthly.

I suddenly realised it was June. This time last year my life had been so different.  I was coming to terms with being pregnant, meeting my old friends again, worried sick about how I’d cope. Life was so much better now.

Adam shuffled in my arms and I shifted him about uncomfortably.

‘
Shall I take him?’ Eric swooped him up and he settled, muttering to himself.

‘
I think he should go to sleep in his cot soon.’

‘
It’s alright, he’s quite happy here.’ And he was, dozing off, snoring cutely.

‘
Do you know? I’m happy too.’

‘
Me too.’

Eric was so calming and easy to be with. A grown up man, not a silly kid.

‘
You know what Julie would say with us looking out of the window at the stars.’

‘
Yes, she’s a born romantic.’ It didn’t matter what I said to him, I was comfortable. ‘Are you going to do that corny thing where you yawn, stretch and put your arm round me as if by accident?’ I was half nervous asking this.

‘
Okay.’ He laughed. ‘It’s a bit difficult while holding a baby though.’ But he managed, with Adam in one arm and me in the other. It felt like it had always been this way.