Defect (27 page)

He nods. “I know. I just…wish I could do something to make you better. You’re the only one I can’t seem to heal.” I’ve feared this talk was coming for some time. Still, I feel unprepared for what to say, for how to handle it.

He lightly strokes my cheek, his firm hand cupping my jaw, his blue eyes wearing down my defenses. No one’s touched me this way since Will, and it feels…good, familiar. It shouldn’t, but it does.

“I could give you things…I could make you forget him.”

I don’t argue, I don’t disagree.
I don’t want to tell Kai that there’s no hope of me ever forgetting Will. But maybe I’m just selfish enough to let him try. Disposing of some of this heaviness in my chest would be a welcome reprieve.  “Kai…” my whisper dies on my lips.

“Let me try.” His eyes move to my lips and he leans in closer. I don’t move, I don’t resist,
I just let him touch his lips to mine.

The kiss is soft, gentle and his breath is warm against my lips. He moves his mouth against mine and I open for him, letting him taste, letting him
try
. His kiss is effective at distracting me, if only momentarily, because seconds later, guilt floods my system and I pull away. “Kai.”

Startled blue eyes meet mine.

“Can you just lay with me?” I ask.

He nods, blows out the candle burning beside my bed and wraps me in his arms.

In the morning, the smell of frying bacon wakes me. I slept well with Kai in my bed last night, and I don’t want to examine that little fact, so I stretch and climb out of bed, letting my nose guide me. We both went to bed without dinner last night, and it seems Kai’s stomach has woken him early too.

Kai is standing shirtless at the kitchen table, sliding strips of thick-cut cured bacon onto two plates, but stops when he sees me. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You hungry?” he asks.

I nod and sit down, letting him fix my plate. He often tries to give me more food than he gives himself, and complains about how I don’t eat enough. But today he’s given us each one lumpy biscuit and an equal number of bacon strips. A mug of hot water steams beside my plate and he adds a pinch of herbs. “Thanks,” I mumble and begin eating.

Kai throws a shirt on over his head before joining me at the table and we eat in silence. In the harsh light of the morning, I know it wasn’t a good idea to let him kiss me. But I also know I probably wouldn’t stop it if it happened again.

I take a sip of the weak tea, which Kai has prepared just how I like. It’s impossible not to see the parallel between how I once relied on Will and now rely on Kai. He has skills that I use to meet my needs,
which I know sounds terrible. Dark questions stir inside me – is that all I had with Will too? Will taught me, took care of me and helped me. That’s what Kai’s doing now. I watch him eat and cast an occasional smile or glance my way.

I pick at my food. I’m not sure if I’m a monster, incapable of love, only using tho
se around me for my own needs, but the thought is sobering. And the jagged scar on my wrist is a constant reminder of both Will and Kai. One boy cut me open, the other boy stitched me up. I wish I could rely on myself, take care of myself and not get involved, but Kai is persistent and very kind. And living in his house makes it impossible to ignore that he has feelings for me. I see the desire radiating in his eyes, the care in his gentle touches, the concern in his words and of course the unspoken compassion he provides in meals, shelter, and clothing.  It’s a lot to digest.

That night we learn there is to be a village-wide meeting in the town’s center. It’s a semi-regular occurrence, but this will be my first time attending. The springtime air is chilly after dark and after my
bath, I dress in the sweater Kai got me. It fits perfect and smells clean. When he sees me emerge from my room, he stops and watches me approach.

“It fits,” he murmurs.

I nod.

“Come here.”

I walk directly into Kai’s arms and let him pull me to his chest in a firm hug. Now that I’ve let myself cross the physical barrier with him, I seem to crave the contact, the closeness his arms can provide. Kai sighs contentedly, gives me a final squeeze, then releases me. “Ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be.”

We slip on our shoes and make the trek to the center of town. A large bonfire burns in the pit and people stand around talking quietly. I’m happy to see Fern and Eli chasing around an
energetic Elliott. But rather than going to talk to them with Kai, I drift over towards Sage, who’s sitting alone on a bench near the fire. I feel more of an alliance to her than anyone else here. She took me in and stuck up for me when the others were still weary and distrusting of the girl marked like a Defect.

She glances my way when I
sit down next to her and simply nods. She’s a woman of few words, which I appreciate. She takes a closer look, noticing my sweater. “That’s new. It looks nice on you.”

I look down at my shoes. “Thanks. Kai got it for me.”

Her eyebrows raise. “You need to be careful with him.”

I stare back at her, confused. What does she think is happening between me and him? And how does she always seem to know things before I do?

Wilson steps into the center of our gathering, the fire behind him making him seem bigger and more ominous. Stone, the much younger second in command stands off to the side, and everyone takes their seats, knowing we’re about to begin.

Wilson explains the true reason for the second hasty mission to the fence. There is an uprising happening inside the compound walls and their ability to get more supplies is likely to be severely diminished as time progresses.  They wanted to stockpile while they are still able. Wilson explains the Defects are planning a takeover from the capital, to stop the mindscans, to free everyone from the tyranny.

Stone steps forward against murmurings in the crowd. “We’re not in complete agreement here, but there are a few of us who think we should get involved.”

I lean forward on my seat, and notice Sage perks up too.

Stone continues. “Some of us have family, friends, ancestors inside the fence.” A few heads nod around me.  “Others think we should worry about ourselves, just live our own lives, and not put ourselves in harm’s way.”

A male voice rings out from across the bonfire. “What could we contribute? We don’t have weapons like the other side does.”

The camp is divided – some think we should get involved in the uprising –join the other side and end this segregation once and for all. Others want to carry on with their peaceful lives here.

Wilson steps forward again. “Things are changing around us. We’ve survived at this little outpost better than expected, but this could be our chance. Our chance to make sure our children have access to the medicines and education and life they deserve. To take back everything the capital stole when they instituted the mindscan.”

Several people cheer their encouragement for his words.

Stone and Wilson stand together. “We’re organizing a party of men who will stand and fight with us. When the others arrive with the remainder of the supplies and more news of the political climate, we’ll head out.”

Upon this news, some remain stoic, other stand and shout, and some quietly sob. I’m too shocked to even react.

“The capital isn’t going to listen to a bunch of Defects and a handful of misfit Radicals. Get real. We’d have no upper hand, it’d be like walking into our own execution,”
someone says.

I stand up, my legs shaking and step forward. “I know a way to get the capitol to listen.”

Heads turn in my direction, but I look to Kai to measure his reaction. His mouth has dropped open and he’s silently shaking his head no. Sage’s knowing smile makes me think she knew I would do something like this all along.

“I escaped the threat of the capital wanting to execute me. They planned to make it look like an accident.”  The intake of breath around me only fortifies me to continue. “With the promise of being able to capture me – the officials will have to meet with us, to hear us out. And I know with all the public fanfare, they won’t kill me. There would be an uprising.”

Of course my true motivation is much different than they might suspect. Sage sees right through me, and I’m pretty sure Kai does too. I might be walking into my own demise, but where Will is concerned, my curiosity’s too strong. A pack of wolves couldn’t hold me back from their expedition. Hope blooms in my chest for the first time in six months. I could find my mother, I could see Will, and Rena…

“Out of the question.
A woman is a liability,” Wilson says.

Stone stands, coming to my aid. “You’ve seen Eve with a weapon. She’s a better shot than most of our men. She’s had training – she knows her way around at the compound. We’d be foolish not to bring her.”

Wilson merely grunts and gives a nod. Too stunned to speak, too scared to move, I stand there in absolute awe, silently thanking Stone for coming to my rescue.

Kai is not happy with me. He hasn’t said anything beyond what’s absolutely required to me in six days. There have been no more hugs, no more kisses and I couldn’t care less. I am going home. Well, whatever is left of my
home. Kai doesn’t understand…I couldn’t
not
go. I’m sick with worry over what I’ve learned. Things are worse than ever, and even if I’m safe here, my mom, my friends are not.

But ever the good guy that he is, Kai gets me to eat, fusses over me, and continues taking care of me in his quiet way. 

I pack my bag in silence, adding the clothes Kai bartered away his own meager possessions to get for me.

He enters my room and hands me several biscuits wrapped in a dishcloth. “
Here. Take these.” 

I nod and accept the food. It would be foolish to refuse. I’ll have to eat on the journey. I wish I could find the words to sufficiently thank Kai, to explain to him why I need to do this, but I know it’ll come out wrong, so I remain quiet.

We spend our last night silently sitting in front of the fireplace, the logs popping and crackling are the only sounds in the entire house. It’s a nice cabin, and I know I’ll miss its comforts when I’m travelling for the next ten days.

Kai rises from his chair and stretches his arms over his head, his shirt lifting over his abs with the movement. He catches me watching and I drop my gaze to the floor.

“It’s getting late,” he says.

I nod.
“Yeah.” Since I have no idea how to say goodbye, I don’t. I just hold out my hand and Kai accepts it, lacing his fingers with mine. I tug him towards my room and wordlessly, he follows. There’s no sense in pretending I didn’t get a great night’s sleep in his arms the last time, and I know he’ll take any chance he can to be close to me. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

Once we’re in bed, I let him kiss me a few times, and it’s nice, but it doesn’t heat my skin and make me want more. After a little while, Kai plants his face in the crook of my neck and inhales, releasing his breath slowly. “Goodnight,” he whispers.

“Goodnight, Kai,” I whisper back.

In the morning, I’m up and gone before Kai is even awake. I tiptoed from the room, leaving him asleep in my bed and have joined the twelve men at our meeting point on the edge of the village.

The men are quiet, and the mood is somber. Just as we’re setting off, shouts ring in the distance.

“Wait!”

I turn and spot Kai jogging towards us. Oh this is awkward. I don’t want to share a goodbye kiss in front of everyone. I thought that was what last night was for. But then I notice his backpack. He’s outfitted for a trip.

Maybe he thought last night meant something different between us. I thought it was a goodbye, thank you for everything type of thing. He apparently thought it was more of a let’s be together type of thing. I don’t have the heart to correct him. We all need our wits about us on this trip and I don’t want him mopey or any weird tension between us.

Kai argues with Wilson for several minutes about joining us. Kai eventually wins him over, claiming that the group will benefit from having a healer amongst them, just in case.

And so we set off at first light, twelve men,
me and Kai like a puppy at my side. This is not good.

“Sometimes the memories are worth the pain.”

-Unknown

When we reach the fence, it’s even larger than I remember it. We stop a safe distance back, checking for the positions of the guards that are sure to be roaming its perimeter. On the ten day walk here, I talked a lot about my experience living at the compound and it seems it gained me a healthy respect from my travelling companions. Kai’s wistful looks of adoration only got stronger with each story I told of my survival.

Just seeing the fence, standing so near where my heart still beats on the other side makes me lightheaded.

Wilson urge
s us into a huddle. “We’ve gotten word that someone named Will is now in charge.”