Darcy's Passions (19 page)

“Then I am to assume you actually offered Miss Elizabeth your hand in marriage?” astonishment covered Edward.

“Well,” Darcy hesitated, “I did request Miss Elizabeth's assent, but I fear I did not articulate my feelings well. I planned what I wished to say, but in her presence, my mind could not recall the words I wanted her to know.”

Edward chuckled,“What, may I ask, did you say?”

“I explained the torment of my decision, my qualms about her lack of connections, and the impropriety shown by her family . . . ”

Edward laughed loudly as he filled his cousin's cup.“Only you, Cousin, would tell a woman you loved her by telling her how repugnant you found her family to be. Is it not surprising Elizabeth did not find this to be endearing?”

Darcy blushed, recognizing his foolishness; what seemed so reasonable at the time now played as absurdly insipient. A sough escaped his throat indicating the sorrow of his struggle, and he again buried his face in his hands.“It appears,” he said at last,“I have been a simpleton when it comes to Elizabeth Bennet; my folly does not speak well of my intentions, does it?”

“Men, in love, are often foolhardy,” Edward added quietly. “Let us finish this tomorrow, Darcy. Do you think you can make it to your chambers now?”

Darcy nodded his compliance. The colonel rang for Henry's assistance, and together they got the master into his bed. Henry left to prepare a room for Edward.Thinking Darcy's labored breathing indicated he slept at last, Edward moved quietly to the door to take
his leave.With his speech muffled by the pillow in which he buried his face, his cousin called out from the bed,“Edward, which shop in the mercantile district did Miss Elizabeth frequent?”

“There is no need for concern, Cousin; I am way ahead of you,” he chuckled knowingly, “I will send a servant around tomorrow for the lace; some day you will give it to Miss Elizabeth yourself.”

Darcy's arm waved his acceptance, and Edward slipped from the room.

 

Breakfast came late at Kensington Place, but neither Darcy nor the colonel cared. Both men had affairs of the heart with which to worry.

“Well, Darcy, where do you go from here?”

The words choked him.“I know my duty; the Darcy name and Pemberley must survive; I must forget Elizabeth Bennet and find a suitable match. I am a rich man, and I will settle on an appropriate woman as soon as I am tempted by her charms; I am now ready to marry with all speed; I have a heart ready to accept the regard of the first pleasing woman to come my way.”
Excepting Elizabeth Bennet. This was his only secret exception to his declarations.
“A woman with a little beauty and some words of flattery will have me as her own, whether she be fifteen or thirty or somewhere in between. I am perfectly ready to make a foolish match.”

“Then you mean to have our cousin Anne?” Edward had difficulty saying the words for he feared Darcy's response.

“As much as I respect and admire Anne,” Darcy said seriously, “she is not the woman I envision as the mistress of Pemberley. Despite Lady Catherine's wishes, Anne will not be the object of my search even after Elizabeth's refusal. The woman I want will possess a handsome countenance, a lilt figure, and a quickness of mind. I must find a woman who can help me run Pemberley; her character must be an adventurous one; she may not be easily intimidated. I may choose to settle for something a bit less, but I will not compromise my standards; I thought about this for a long time.”
Edward let out a ragged sigh of relief, which caught Darcy off guard. “What troubles you, Edward?” he asked finally quitting his own revelry and giving his cousin full note.

“I,” Edward stammered, “I wish to marry Anne.” Edward's eyes came slowly to face Darcy head on.

Initially stunned, Darcy did not take long to realize he should have recognized Anne's interest in Edward; she always enjoyed Edward's company more; Anne said as much to him at Rosings. “Your confession took me by surprise, Edward, but upon reflection, I realize you were always the person for Anne. I wish you well if Anne is your desire.”

“We cannot address Lady Catherine until you marry, Darcy,” Edward stated. “Our aunt would never agree as long as there is a possibility of your changing your mind. I will never convince Anne to stand up to her mother until she knows Lady Catherine will have no other choice but to agree. My happiness hinges on you, Fitz.”

“I shall not change my mind, Edward, but our aunt can be stubborn. Although you wish me to expedite my choice, please allow me some time to choose wisely.”

“Of course, Darcy,” Edward blustered, “your happiness is our utmost desire. We will not push you into making a poor decision just to satisfy our own hopes; you are, after all, our cousin, and we wish your life to be filled with love. I believe I will go, Fitz; give Georgiana my love. I will check with you in a few days.”

So saying, the colonel left the room. Darcy sat for some minutes contemplating the events of the past two days. Admitting his love for Elizabeth he hoped would allow him to move on; the madness would no longer consume him, and he could once again set about being Fitzwilliam Darcy, the master of Pemberley. He had only one other thing to clear up before he began his life anew so Darcy sought his sister.

 

He found Georgiana in the music room listlessly stroking the keys of the pianoforte; she sprang to her feet when he entered the room. He strode over to her purposely, took her hand, and said, “Come
with me, Georgiana; we need to talk.” She tentatively followed him as he led her to the settee; they sat down together, but he never released her hands. She dropped her eyes, afraid to face him, but Darcy cupped her chin gently with his fingers, forcing his sister to look him directly in the face. “Georgiana, my girl,” he began, “I have dealt you a disservice, and I beg your forgiveness.You did not deserve the treatment you received from me of late.”

Uncontrollably, the tears rolled down his sister's cheeks, and he reached up to gently brush them away; she caught his hand and kissed the palm. “Fitzwilliam, you never forgave any fault of your own while you forgave many of those around you, especially me.” He started to protest, but she shushed him with a touch of her finger to his lips.“Please, let me finish.You are always there for me, Fitzwilliam.You accepted my sorry and made it your own. Edward told me of your hope and your loss; now I must be there for you.”

“Georgiana, our father left you in my care.”

“No, Fitzwilliam,” she contradicted him.“Our father left you as my guardian, but we are left to care for each other. How can you hurt so without my feeling it?” Darcy could not believe his sister's transformation; she was still the shy, innocent girl he always cherished, but she had emotional strength of which he was not aware. He could never think of George Wickham's betrayal without loathing, but his sister matured from the experience; she knew the rebukes of love. “Our parents were of superior birth,” she continued. “We learned to be proud of being a Darcy, but we have not learned to look at the true worth of others. Mrs. Annesley has given me a ‘mother's' look at the world. Fitzwilliam, there are so many who need our help; helping the poor in Derbyshire is persuading me to care about myself. If we do not love ourselves, how can we expect others to love us?”

“When did you become so wise?” he whispered and stroked her hair away from her face.

“You taught me these things, Fitzwilliam. You just never listened to your own lessons,” she giggled.

“Today, you are the teacher and I, the student.” He pulled her to
him and kissed her forehead, holding her next to him for a long time.

 

Darcy threw himself into London's society, trying to forget Elizabeth Bennet and Hertfordshire. He became a regular at his gentleman's club; he escorted Georgiana to concerts and the theatre; he dined with old acquaintances and made new ones. Yet, try as he may, it was too soon to forget Elizabeth. Darcy knew he could truly love none but her. She could not be replaced in his mind as the woman he was meant to love; he could not believe himself to see her equal. Unconsciously, he allowed himself such thoughts: he would remain constant to Elizabeth; he meant to forget her and believed it to be possible; he imagined himself to have no preferences; but, in reality, he was only angry—angry at her and angry at himself. Her character became fixed in his mind as perfection itself; at Hertfordshire he learnt to do her justice, and at Hunsford he began to understand himself.

In his attempts, attempts of angry pride, to attach himself to another, he felt it to be impossible; he could not forget the perfect excellence of Elizabeth's mind or the way she possessed him. From her he learned the steadiness of principle, and he had to admit to admiring her for standing up to him in favor of George Wickham. Although it hurt him to think she favored Wickham's side of the story, Darcy finally recognized if he opened himself up to her before he did,Wickham would not have stood a chance of addressing Elizabeth. His desire to protect Bingley was not really protection at all or else he could not have abandoned those same objections to secure his own happiness. Darcy could not be happy without Elizabeth, and he could not see Charles with Jane Bennet and not think of what he lost. He told himself he wished to protect Charles, but now he realized he wished only to protect himself.

 

Eventually, Darcy realized if he yielded to what he thought to be his duty and married a woman indifferent to himself, all risk would be incurred and all duty violated. So, after a month of futile
attempts, he and Georgiana prepared for an early return to Pemberley. Both felt the solitude of home would allow them time to refocus; Darcy would take care of his estate and wait for acceptance to come; Georgiana would continue her maturation; together they would safeguard each other's love.

A few evenings before their departure, Edward returned to Kensington Place; he traveled to Bath and then to Brighton; the military buildup kept him busy preparing the troops. He and Darcy lingered in the dining room while Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley prepared to entertain them in the music room.

“Am I to understand you have been in Kent again, Edward?” Darcy asked pouring them both a brandy.

“Indeed,” his cousin began. “I expect to be away for several months; I wished to bid Anne a farewell; of course, that is difficult when our aunt is in attendance, but she does leave us to our own
diversions
occasionally.”

Darcy smiled and nodded his approval.“I am happy my absence from Kent benefits you, Cousin.”

“When you marry, Lady Catherine will lose control of Anne; she will not be pleased,” Edward lamented.

“What will not please her, Edward,” Darcy stated,“is not losing Anne but the loss of Rosings Park. She will become Dowager de Bourgh. Surely, you thought of that.”

“My interest in Anne is not Rosings,” he sounded a bit offended.

Darcy warranted, “You told me once you needed to marry for money, but you wanted love also; I assumed you found both in Anne.”

Edward accepted Darcy's insights as a means to settle what tension lay between them. “I do bring news from Kent, but I dare not speak of someone of interest there,” Edward ventured.

Darcy fixed his countenance, hoping to not belie his interest in the subject. “Edward, you may speak Elizabeth Bennet's name; I cannot avoid her forever; my best friend has an estate in Hertfordshire; her best friend is married to Lady Catherine's cleric; I must
harden myself to her memory and my former feelings.”

Edward still hesitated about telling Darcy what he knew.“Anne shared some news of Miss Elizabeth. We were having our own amusement at Mr. Collins's expense, I am afraid.” Darcy rolled his eyes at Collins's name.“Did you know, Fitzwilliam, prior to marrying Charlotte Lucas, Mr. Collins proposed to Elizabeth? Evidently, that was the day after Mr. Bingley's ball at Netherfield.” Just the mention of the ball brought exquisite memories to Darcy; holding Elizabeth's hand and looking into her eyes were some of his fondest memories of her. “Miss Elizabeth's mother demanded she save the family estate by marrying Collins; her father refused and supported his daughter's not accepting. The estate is entailed to Collins, it seems.We wondered how Collins came to marry Charlotte Lucas—it is all so clear now. Can you imagine Elizabeth Bennet's vitality in the hands of a superfluous ass such as Collins?”

He tried to play it off as nothing, but the thought of Collins kissing Elizabeth and taking husbandly privileges with her caused Darcy to redden with abhorrence; a shudder of disdain racked his body, and even a large shot of brandy did not deaden the distaste filling his judgment. Georgiana's musical interlude was as superb as ever, but all Darcy could see were Elizabeth's eyes and smile and then the horrifying image of Mr. Collins placing his arms around Elizabeth and preparing to kiss her.

 

The month they spent at Pemberley brought both Darcys some peace. Georgiana called on the tenants and helped the new rector administer to the villages surrounding the estate. Darcy rode out on Cerberus daily, usually with his steward, Mr. Howard.The siblings walked the paths surrounding the lake, read, and reenergized.They were to meet Bingley in London the first week of July; Bingley's sisters and Mr. Hurst were to join them in London, and they all would return to Pemberley for several weeks.The Bingleys would then travel on to Mr. Hurst's estate for the rest of the summer.

Walking arm-in-arm through the rose garden, Georgiana smiled up at her brother. “I know it is not practical, but I wish we
could remain here forever. I hate to be away from Pemberley.”

“Pemberley flows through our veins; it is the source of our life. I, like you, cannot imagine any place more beautiful,” he said.They walked on in silence.