Confessions (20 page)
Authors: Sasha Campbell
Trinette
I waited until Thursday after I got home from work, showered and changed into a white gown and robe that made me feel sexy and confident before I took a seat in front of my computer. For the longest time I just stared at a blank e-mail before I finally took a deep breath. “Just do the damn thang,” I mumbled to myself.
Dear Leon,
I come to you with a humble heart to thank you for changing your mind about the house. Buying it would have been a ridiculous move on both our parts. Also, by saying no, you forced me to finally take a good look at my life, and I've realized you were right. How have we grown together? As painful as it is to finally admit, we haven't. Instead, all I have been doing these last eight years is ride on your coattail. I have done nothing to stand on my own two feet. And because of it, I finally started working on fixing my credit with the money you gave me. Can you believe it? In one week I paid off every creditor I owed and disputed the debts that weren't mine. What I can't understand is why did it take me so long to do something that was so easy to fix? It just shows me that I depended on you too much and took our marriage for granted for so long, and I don't blame you for finding another woman who was more deserving of your love. It's my loss.
I also want to apologize for my behavior all these years. I don't care what you say, I loved you in my own selfish way, and I do know one thing for sure, no woman will ever love you the way I have. I know your habits and I know your behaviors. I love you and I will always love you and regret the mistakes that I made to pull us apart. I understand your reason for wanting a divorce, and you will not get any resistance from me. In fact I went to see a lawyer yesterday, and I was bawling so hard in her office she asked me to give it a week to think about it and come back. She would then file the papers for me. I just wanted to let you know I am trying to move forward with my life no matter how painful it is. I am hurting and will always regret the way I treated you. I hope in time you can forgive me. You will always hold a place in my heart. I love you, and that will never change. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. I hope your girl knows she has a good man and appreciates you. You deserve it. Take care.
I read over the e-mail twice, then walked away from it and thought about what I had written. The last thing I wanted was to sound like I was begging him to take me back. That wasn't it. I had messed up and needed to admit my mistakes in order for me to get on in my life. But I'm not going to lie. Part of me still hoped there was a chance for the two of us.
I read it out loud one last time, added a paragraph about taking all the money and then I clicked
SEND
. Immediately, I felt like a weight had been lifted. With a smile I hurried into the spare room and stuck in an old Billy Blanks tape. For the first time in weeks, I felt like working out. I kicked and punched through the entire tape, then went to the bathroom and took another shower. By the time I got out of the shower, I felt so relaxed, I slipped into a velour running suit and decided to treat myself to a steak. I was slipping on my shoes when the phone rang. I moved to my nightstand and almost choked when I looked down at the caller ID. It was Leon. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I took a deep breath and a seat on the bed, then picked up the receiver before the last ring.
“Hello?” My voice was shaking so hard I hoped he didn't notice.
“Hey,” he began in that deep robust voice I missed so much. “I got your e-mail.”
“Ohâ¦okay. I, uh, just wanted to let you know I took the money outta the account.”
There was a pause. “How come you never said those things to me before?”
I leaned back on the mattress and lowered my eyelids. “I don't know. But I had to get everything off my chest. It's the only way I'll ever find closure.” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. He didn't say anything, just waited. “I just needed to tell you I was sorry. I really needed you to know that.”
“Why?”
Damn, was he really going to make me say it? “Because I was a fool. I took our marriage for granted. I stopped putting in the work. I put you and I on the back burner and was so busy focusing on what I wanted instead of what we needed that I allowed our marriage to fall apart. That was so unfair. And it might be hard for you to believe it, but I'm hurting. I didn't think our marriage ending would matter all that much to me, but it does.” I slipped a pillow under my head and got comfortable. “Regardless of how selfish I had been, one thing I could always sayâ¦was my husband loved me. It was one thing Iâ¦I had always been confident about, but you dumping me on Valentine's Day is something I'll never understand.”
“I didn't dump you on Valentine's Day,” he denied.
“Yes, you did!” I couldn't keep the anger out of my voice. “You flew down here on Friday the thirteenth, told me you weren't buying the house, then waited till Valentine's Day to tell me it was over.”
“I never said it was over. I just said I needed time to figure out what it was I wanted.”
I couldn't hold back the tears from my voice. “You left meâ¦on my favorite holiday to spend it with a-another woman.”
“Netta, there's no other woman.”
I wanted so badly to believe him, but I just couldn't make myself do it. “I-I can't do this. This was why I haven't called.”
“Why did you e-mail me?”
“Dammit, because I'm hurting!” I screamed at him. “I needed to get everything off my chest so for the first time in weeks I can finally get some sleep and start seriously planning my new life.”
There was silence. I was already regretting sending the e-mail. Marriage was too hard, and I just don't think I was ever any good at it. “Listen, we're past this and there is really no point in us bringing up what happened. I don't hate you. I never can. I will always love you and want only the best for you. These last few weeks have been a learning experience for me. I can't believe it, but it took you deciding not to buy the house for me to finally get my shit together, and I thank you for that. I finally will have control over my own life, and that's something I've never had.”
“Are you saying I never allowed you to be your own woman?”
“No, you did, but you also allowed me to lean too much on youâ¦to depend too much on you, and that was a mistake.”
“What's wrong with a man wanting to take care of his wife?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing, but I got too comfortable, and because of it I started taking you for granted.” I was getting emotional again. Damn, what was wrong with me? “Anyway, I finally feel like I'm actually doing something for me. I'm looking forward to graduating in May and planning the next six months of my life. I'm gonna work on paying off one credit card at a time until they are all paid off and cut up. The money you gave me will make that possible. So, thank you.”
There was a pause, then Leon released a heavy sigh. “I told you eight years is too long to just move on that quickly. It's gonna take time for both of us, but I want this transition to go as smoothly as possible because I care about you.”
“I appreciate that.” I took a deep breath. I needed to end the call before he did. “Well, thanks for calling. Talking to you made me feel more at peace, and I appreciate that.”
He hesitated as if he wanted to say something else but didn't. “Thanks for e-mailing me.”
“No problem. You take care.” I hung up the phone before he had a chance to say anything else. I reached for my purse and keys and headed out the door and into my Mercedes. Once behind the wheel I got ready to put the key in the ignition, when I dropped my head onto the steering wheel and started bawling my head off. I lied. I didn't feel closure. I felt lonely and so damn empty. And I missed my husband sharing my life with me.
After my phone call with Leon, I felt so sad, and the feeling followed me through the next couple of days. I felt empty. Can you believe that shit? Me, Trinette Montgomery, feeling lonely. But it wasn't a regular kind of lonely. There was suddenly a void in my life I needed to somehow find a way to fill. Another man was definitely not the answer, nor was shopping. Somehow I had no desire, and that's rare for me. No, what I needed to do first was find some kind of inner peace, and that meant for the first time in my life I needed to open up my heart and let everything out I had been holding inside all these years. That one e-mail just wasn't enough. There were so many other things I needed to tell Leon. There was no way I could open up my heart to him over the phone or in person. It had to be the chicken wayâin a letter, because then I couldn't see his face or his reaction. I don't know why it was important to open up to him, because it wasn't like I was trying to get him back, but a part of me felt like I needed to let him finally meet the woman he had married. Maybe then I would have a better understanding of the person I had become and maybe it would give us both some peace in the process.
I fixed myself an apple martini, then moved into my office and took a seat in front of my computer. I had never been much of a writer, but I kept a journal for many years. It was just a way for me to find peace in my own mind.
For the longest time I just sat there sipping my drink and staring at the keyboard.
Just open your heart.
It took three martinis before I finally took a deep breath and started typing.
You're probably amazed to hear from me again since in all the years we've been together I've barely e-mailed you at all, but there are some things I need for you to know about me. Maybe then it would make some sense as to why our marriage was doomed from the beginning.
I'm a hateful bitch. I know it. Hell, my family all know it. But my past made me the way I am. I've always tried to be someone I wasn't, trying to compete with the Joneses, as my cousins used to say with their hating asses. Remember when you used to ask me why I hated my uncle Sonny so much and didn't want to have anything to do with him? Well, it's because Uncle Sonny sexually molested me for almost four years. A week after my twelfth birthday my period started. He came to me one evening when we were at home alone and said, “I heard you're a woman now.” I couldn't believe my mama had told him. He walked up to me and gave me a hug, then brought his lips to mine and said, “I'm going to show you what women do.” Mama was somewhere out in the street, chasing a rock, while he led me back to his bedroom, shut the door and climbed on top of me. I screamed and fought, but he didn't stop until he was finished. After that he used to sneak in my room whenever Mama was out. I wanted to tell someone, but he threatened to kill Koolaid and for the longest time I believed him. He started giving me money and thought that made it all right. By the time I was fifteen, I finally found the courage to say no. I tried to bite his dick off when he forced me to go down on him. After that he never touched me again.
I was determined to get out of Englewood Park and discovered I could use sex to get whatever I wanted, so I used it to my advantage. That's how I paid for my apartment and had the money to cover what grants wouldn't so I could afford to go to college. Men saw me and all they were interested in was getting between my legs. I let them for a small price. There were times when I didn't feel I was any better than my mother, when she was fucking for a rock. But I was determined that if I needed to use someone it had to be to my benefit. My determination to have a better life was what kept me warm at night.
Then you came in my life, and for once a man didn't want anything from me but me. I wasn't used to that and I kept my guard up. I realize now I always have because I just didn't know how to trust a man. You were a good man, but you married a woman who's fucked up in the head. It wasn't you. It was me.
I hit
SEND
and released a heavy sigh. A tear slid down my cheek, but I didn't bother to brush it away. That life seemed so long ago, yet the pain I felt growing up felt as raw as if it had been just yesterday. No young girl should have to go through what I had gone through. My mother should have protected me.
I didn't have time to be sitting there feeling sorry for that lost little girl. I had a lot to be thankful for. Moving into the kitchen, I fixed myself another martini and was walking to my room when I looked over at the bookshelf on the wall and noticed the book Mama had left me. I had stuck it there when she left but never bothered to look inside.
I carried the book over to the table and took a seat, then looked inside.
The pages were filled with the first ten years of my life. Pictures only minutes after delivery all the way up to the spelling bee I won in the fifth grade. On these pages were the happiest accounts of my life. Things I had forgotten about like my dog Spencer I had at six, my favorite pink frilly dress, and the birthday party I had at Chuck E. Cheese's. Somehow through all Mama's years of living on drugs, she had held on to this book and the memories, and had given them back to me.
As promised, Mama hadn't contacted me since she'd come to the house. The ball was now in my court. I no longer hated her. I just wasn't sure yet if I was ready to reach out to her.
A bell sounded, indicating I had a message. I went back into my office, clicked the mouse and my heart pounded when I noticed it was from Leon. My hand was shaking as I opened his e-mail.
I wish you had trusted me enough to have told me about your childhood. As your husband it's my job to protect my wife, and I feel frustrated I hadn't known. I really feel like I understand why you behaved the way you did. I couldn't begin to admit I know the pain you went through, but my heart hurts knowing it happened to you. You are one of the strongest women I've ever known, and that's one thing I've always admired about you. The other is your determination to succeed at anything you set your mind to. I truly hate that I only knew only a piece of Trinette. I feel robbed and cheated because you were never the wife you could have been. I know deep inside there is a loving and vulnerable woman because in the eight years of our marriage, I witnessed glimpses of her. I just wish you had trusted me enough to have let your guard down and allowed your husband to love you. In a way, I feel I never allowed you to know the real me because I too feel like I also held on to a piece of myself. In the back of my mind, I was always prepared for our relationship to end. I had a backup plan so when, not if, you decided not to come to Richmond there would be no real loss. I loved you, but I don't feel as if I totally opened up my heart to you.