Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (24 page)

Two other patients and
the receptionist eaves drop. I’m making a scene, but I don’t
care. I’m tired of him controlling me. If I was more level headed,
I would stop, but I can’t. I thought this would make him happy,
maybe eventually I can be happy working there until I figure out what
I really want to do. I want to do something with my life that I’m
passionate about, but I’ve yet to find it.

“I just want what’s
best for you. If you want a job, you have one. You can work with
Connor and learn firsthand what he does to keep our company
striving.”

I put my hands on my
hips so he knows I’m serious. “I don’t want to work for you
guys. I see enough of you three as it is. I want to succeed on my
own.”

He mocks my stance. At
6’5’’ to my 5’4’’, he’s much more intimidating with his
hands on his hips than I am.

“I want you to
succeed, too. Work for Trinity, Adalynn.”

“No. I’m working
for Malcara.” I shake my head at whatever argument he’s going to
start. “Just be happy for me, Logan. I nailed the interview and
landed a job at the best marketing firm.”

“Second best.”

I groan. My overbearing
brother can be hard to handle sometimes. I cross my hands over my
chest waiting for him to say something else that will dampen my mood.
After a beat, Logan engulfs me into a hug.

“You’re right. I’m
sorry.” He bends his knees so were at eye level. “I just want you
to be happy. If working for Will or even for Sam will make you happy,
then I want you to do it.”

I nod.

“I’m so proud of
you, Addie. I’ll call the guys and we can celebrate tonight!”

My tight smile fades
when I hear “the guys.” As much as I want to celebrate, it will
crush me if Jax doesn’t show. He’s been a part of my life for as
long as I can remember. He hasn’t missed a big event yet, and I
don’t want this to be the first.

“No, no, don’t.
Let’s not make a big deal or anything until I actually finish a
work week.”

His phone is already in
his hand and he’s typing away, but he pauses to look at me. I need
to think of something, fast.

“I mean, we’re
already playing poker tonight at Connor’s so you can get me a
cupcake or something to hold you over for two weeks.”

Before he can say
anything, I’m called into Liv’s office. I fight the urge to give
the receptionist a high five. Perfect timing as always. I nod so she
knows that I’ll be there in a minute before facing my brother
again.

“Can we please not
make a big deal out of this?” I give him the sad doe eyes.

He sighs dramatically
as if I just asked for him to hand over the world to me. “Fine, you
win. I won’t make a big deal about it . . . yet. I’ll see if Jax
can change his plans tonight so we can have a small celebration.”

I fidget with the strap
of my purse. “I thought you said you’ll wait?”

“I’ll wait to throw
you a real celebration, but there’s no way in hell that we’re not
acknowledging this with a small one. This is a big deal, sis, even if
you are working for the enemy.”

He puts his arms on my
shoulders and forcibly turns me toward the office door before I can
say anything else. Perfect timing on his part because I don’t know
how much longer I’ll be able to keep my pain masked by a fake
smile. I know without a doubt that Jax won’t be there. Even though
this is something that I should have gotten used to by now, it’s
still impossibly hard. Will I ever get used to not seeing Jax? Will I
ever be okay with him blowing off big events like this? No, I highly
doubt that anything involving Jax will get any easier.

I sit down on one of
the white couches in Liv’s office and wait for her to start.
Hopefully today will be one of those days that she occupies my mind
with questions so I can stop thinking about Jax. I’ve been doing
pretty well at keeping him out of my thoughts unless someone brings
him up. Now I can’t stop thinking about him, of course.

My mind is everywhere
else but Liv’s office. I barely can come out of my own depressing
thoughts to tell her about the new job. I vaguely recall her telling
me she’s proud and knows that I will do great. Oh, I guess I did
tell her, go autopilot me.

“Want to tell me
what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Do I really get a
choice?”

She doesn’t bite. Not
that I thought she would, she never does.

“Usually when you
come in, I either have to pull teeth out of you to get you to talk or
you’re pretty forthcoming, it’s always one or the other. I don’t
usually get the side of you when you’re not really here. Well, not
anymore.”

“The way you describe
me makes it appear that I have multi-personality disorder.”

She ignores me. I fake
hurt; my joke was pretty funny. I even used a psychology term and
everything.

“What’s going on? I
thought you would be excited about the new job, but you look like
someone just kicked a puppy. Are things with Kohen still going
strong? Have things not gotten better with Jax?”

Deciding to just lay it
out there for her I say, “Things with Kohen are good . . . well,
great, actually.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just
something Logan said right before I walked in that I can’t stop
thinking about. Which makes me wonder if things are actually good
with Kohen, or if I’m just pretending without even realizing it.
I’m so used to pretending all of the time, I guess it gets harder
to distinguish between what’s real and what’s an act.”

I pick at my perfect
cuticles. “I’m happy about the job. It shows that I’m ready to
get my act together and do something with my degree. I just . . . I
don’t know.”

When Liv doesn’t say
anything, I stop examining my nails and find her staring at me.

“I’m going to guess
the thing Logan said has something to do with Jax?”

My silence is enough of
an answer. She knows about my past with Jax and the recent time we
slept together. She knows everything.

“I don’t think that
you’re pretending with Kohen, but only you can answer that
question. From everything you’ve told me, and how I’ve seen you
come alive lately, I know that Kohen has a lot to do with that. You
have unresolved issues with Jax and until you get closure with him,
you will always second guess yourself with Kohen.”

I wait for her
continue, but she doesn’t. So typical. Something about the way she
said closure rings true. I just don’t want closure with him, it’s
so final.

“Really? That’s all
you have to say? That doesn’t really help me out here. Obviously
I’m aware I have unresolved issues with Jax. I thought he was ready
to let me in, but I haven’t talked to him in almost three months.
How can I possibly get closure?”

Ugh, I feel like
screaming in frustration. Instead I act like the adult I am and not
the child I wish I was sometimes, just so I could get away with
screaming at the top of my lungs.

“I like Kohen, I
really do. I love how honest he is with me and how he makes me feel.
I just wonder if it’s okay to be with him when I secretly have
feelings for Jax. It’s just that I-I don’t know . . . I’m so
confused.”

She nods, causing a
strand of her honey colored hair to fall into her face. She swipes it
behind her ear, displaying a beautiful wedding ring. Absently I play
with my empty ring finger. I’ve noticed her ring a million times,
I’ve never once felt anything towards it. Marriage is something I
don’t deserve. I haven’t imagined sharing my life with anyone in
a long time. Even now I can’t picture a man at my side. But as I
become mesmerized by her ring, I realize that I’m jealous. Olivia
has a life with someone, like everyone else, and I’ll never allow
myself to have that. I don’t know how. Do I even want that? Some
part of me does, or I wouldn’t be jealous of her. Liv’s voice
distracts me and I focus on her elegant white and black wallpaper on
the far left wall as she continues.

“If you’re asking
if I think it’s wrong for you to see Kohen knowing how you feel
about Jax, my answer is no. You’re not leading him on. You two
aren’t even ‘exclusive’ from the last I heard. You have nothing
to worry about on that. Adalynn, you’re only twenty-three, you
don’t need to have everything figured out right now. I don’t even
have everything figured out and I’m forty-five.”

As she waits for that
to sink in, the grandfather clock’s ticking gets louder, absorbing
my every thought. Everything floats away as I begin counting each
time it swings to the left. I count all the way to twelve before she
continues, capturing my attention again.

“Jax has been a part
of your life since you were a little girl. Not having him in your
life is going to be hard. You have to remind yourself not to call him
when you have exciting news. Maybe it’s time to share some of your
excitement with someone else.”

Even though she doesn’t
say Kohen, I think that’s who she means. Which makes sense. If I
want to take things further when Kohen, I need to rely on him more
and not focus on who I can’t count on.

Her hazel eyes plead
with mine as she urges, “Don’t shut down again.”

I straighten up and
shift into a cross-legged position. “Thanks, that actually helps,
and you don’t have to worry, it turns out that I actually like
living life instead of pretending all of the time.”

She smiles at me; I
don’t return it. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever really smile
again. Sometimes I feel like I can, that I am, but then I realize
that I was simply pretending. It’s hard to notice the difference. I
pick at my nails again, trying to gather my jumbled thoughts.

“I wish that it
didn’t hurt so much just to hear his name. When he walked away from
me that day at the park, I had no idea that he was walking out of my
life. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since then and I
can’t breathe without him in my life. I want my friend back.”

I bite my lip, a method
of stalling I’ve always used. I rub my forehead, feeling a headache
coming on. The words spill out of my mouth without any conscious
thought.

“I’m afraid that if
I never get my friend back, I won’t be able to stop pretending. I
hate that I count on him so much. I hate that it seems my happiness
depends on Jax being in my life. The only time I’m not pretending
is when he’s near. Just his presence makes everything better. When
he looks at me, really sees me for me, it’s as if he shines light
into the darkness of my life, chasing away every haunting memory from
my past.”

Thinking about how far
Jax is from me makes me want to cry, which of course pisses me off. I
refuse to cry over something so stupid. Welcoming the anger to center
me, I stare past Liv and out the windows.

“I don’t understand
why he’s doing this. He’s put up this wall and I just want back
in. I thought after everything we’ve been through together that he
would always be here for me. Whenever I tried to run away from
anything, he wouldn’t let me. He was always pushing me to be
better, to be more than I am, even when we were kids. I just can’t
believe he would let that go.”

Liv gets up and grabs a
black teddy bear from a chair in the corner. When she hands it to me,
I raise my eyebrow at her in question, but take the dumb bear
anyways. My fingers roam over the soft fur.

“Squeezing your
frustration into him will help.”

“Him?” My lips
quirk up into a grin.

“Yes, him. Another
patient of mine named him Mr. Bear.”

A unladylike snort
escapes me. “Fitting since he’s a bear.”

Sitting back down, she
waits for me to continue talking about everything else running
through my head. I give the bear a squeeze before I pour my heart out
yet again and realize the stuffed animal does indeed help. Go figure.

“I don’t understand
how he can treat me like I don’t exist. That I don’t matter. I
know he cares about me. I know I mean something to him. If I didn’t,
then I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t have been the one who found
me that night in the pool, saving my life, if he didn’t care.”

I know I’m rambling,
but I need to get this out. Liv watches me sit Indian-style with the
bear in my lap.

“You never talk about
that night you attempted suicide. The only thing I know is from your
medical history. Are you ready discuss that night?” Liv studies me.

All of the air rushes
out of my lungs. I know I shouldn’t have mentioned anything. Just
thinking about how weak I used to be makes me sick. I know that if I
take this step and talk about that night, it will change me. I
haven’t been able to talk about it . . . ever. I don’t want to be
that weak, fragile girl I once was. I want to be strong. I need to
tell my story, I need to really open up to Liv, so I can finally move
past everything that happened to me six years ago. It’s time I talk
about the night I tried to make the pain go away for good, the night
I thought I had nothing to live for, the night Jax saved me from
myself.

“I remember feeling
nothing at all. I wasn’t sad or angry. I just was. It’s kind of
like all of the emotions I was feeling since I woke up and Logan told
me our family was dead floated away. The only thing I had left was
knowing that everything about me that made me
me
,
was ripped away and I was the one solely responsible. I felt like my
home had no meaning to me anymore because everything that I held dear
was stolen from me.”

I pause, trying to
collect myself. It’s crazy to relive how I felt back then, thinking
that there was no other option. I never would have believed that I
could be here, calmly talking about this. I never thought I would
make it this far. I never wanted to. Now? I want to stop feeling
emptiness and guilt all the time. I want to stop pretending and be
truly happy. I have to believe that it gets better. If it doesn’t?
I don’t even want to think about that.