Addictive Collision (3 page)

“What about
your
happiness?” Alexis asked.

“I just want my kids to be have a normal childhood, with a loving mom and dad. Do you know the havoc divorce wreaks on the family?”

“So you’ll just stick it out and live in misery for their sake?” she asked.

My gaze narrowed. “Of course. They’re my kids, and I have to put their needs before mine.”

“Look, sis, you and I both know there’s no way to resuscitate your flat-lined marriage. I thought you were gonna end this a long time ago. From what you’re telling me now, it’s already over. Sounds to me like you’re just beating a dead horse.”

“Pssh. I haven’t come close to beating any horse in a long time,” I said with a smirk, again employing my excellent double-entendre skills.

“Ew. Stop,” my sister said, spitting out a bit of her Vitamin Water.

I swallowed hard, unable to even laugh at my own joke. “Ending my marriage would be one of the most heartbreaking decisions of my life. I have a moral and ethical obligation to put the needs of my children over my own. I-I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it. How can I bear to put my family through pain when I love them so much?”

“Love? Morgan, there’s no love in that unhealthy, unfulfilling marriage. Yeah, Tom’s a great friend and provider, but that’s it. You need a lover, not a sweet friend and roommate who helps you raise the kids. The kids will bounce back. They’re resilient that way. Also, Anna and Emma aren’t stupid. No matter how young they are, you can’t fool them into believing you and their daddy are happy with each other, even if you don’t fight in front of them. It isn’t good for the kids to be caught in the middle, and they can sense that sort of thing.”

I pondered her words for a moment, wondering once again where Tom and I had gone wrong. The feelings we’d once shared had died a long time ago, and we really were nothing more than roommates raising two children together. 

“Dr. Phil says sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic,” she said.

I put up my hand. “Please, Alexis. Don’t go throwing Dr. Phil on me. Truth be told, I’d put more stock in Jerry Springer.”

“Hmm. Well, maybe that’s not a bad idea either. Why don’t you take Tom’s frigid ass on that show and throw a chair at him. Maybe you’ll find out he’s been having an affair with a Jell-O-wrestling stripper or something.”

As hilarious as my sister’s sense of humor was, I still couldn’t laugh.

“Seriously, Morgan, sex isn’t supposed to end at ‘I do.’”

“I’m well aware of that. Tom is a friend
without
benefits.”

“Maybe you need to talk to him again.”

“We’ve been to counseling. He’s just not that into me anymore. He says he just has no sexual attraction to me, and he can’t force it. I asked him if he could just hold me or hold my hand or show me some attention in other ways besides sex, but he refuses. He wouldn’t come near me with a ten-foot pole.”

“Wow. If he’s got a ten-foot pole, I understand why you miss it so much,” she joked.

This time, I had to crack a smile, especially because a strange flash of the mailman wafted through my head. “Very funny. Anyway, some people would tell me to stick it out because he’s my husband. I can live without sex if I have to, but he doesn’t even give me any other kind of affection. We just have no emotional connection, no intimacy. He doesn’t treat me like a wife. I’m nothing but a buddy and roommate.”

“You know what question you should be asking yourself?” she asked.

I lifted a brow. “What?”

“Would you ask your children to sacrifice their happiness so
you
can be happy?”

“No. I’d never expect them to do that.”

“Well? See? How are you supposed to survive in an emotional freezer, sis? Your marriage is on life support, and lack of love is just as horrible as lack of food. You said yourself that the man isn’t giving you anything but a paycheck, that he’s just a sperm donor-turned-roomie. So tell me again why you’re staying in this marriage.”

I bit my lip hard. “Because I said, ‘For better or for worse.’”

“Well, does worse include purposefully depriving you of deserved love and affection? Just pull the plug on this thing and be done with it. If it’s as bad as you’re telling me, this thing is never gonna come out of its coma.”

I let out a long breath. “It’s not as easy as you make it sound. Divorce has a high price tag.”

“You want me to think you’re courageous for sticking it out, but you’re really just being a coward.”

“I will leave...when they graduate.”

“What? Anna and Emma are still little. By the time they turn their tassels, you’ll have gone through a decade-long dry spell. Plus, it’ll take a good year to find somebody again, and you’ll be well into your thirties. How can you go that long without any love, sex, kisses, hugs or affection? Are you telling me you’d deprive yourself of that just so your kids can be happy? Please tell me how that’s fair to you.”

I felt completely alone and wished I had somebody in my life to fill the emptiness consuming me. I was dying from lack of affection, feeling like a prisoner, caught in the snare of a vow my husband hadn’t kept. I wanted to feel loved and cherished, but Tom had abandoned me long ago. I felt paralyzed and numb, but I knew I had to make a decision to do something about it, because I couldn’t live my life that way. My husband had once laughed with me, fallen asleep with me in his strong arms, but all of that was just a memory now, like some cruel reminder of a love I’d never have again—at least not with him. 

We didn’t fight or throw harsh words or things at each other. As a matter of fact, we were quite civil to each other and were wonderful friends. I talked to Tom about my job and so many other things, and he really did try to listen. He was also caring and understanding and a great father to my kids. He worked hard to support our family, wasn’t abusive, didn’t cheat on me, and didn’t drink or do drugs. All of that only made my dilemma far more tragic. 

I felt guilty and trapped for wanting a different life.
Should a woman stay in a loveless marriage with a nice guy for the sake of her kids
? I knew I needed to be true to myself, or I would never truly be happy. A tiny voice inside me cried out, telling me that settling shouldn’t be an option. If I chose to leave, I would need dozens of boxes of Kleenex, but marriage was a two-way street, and deep down, I knew I would never be able to make it work by myself. 

“I met this hot guy in the rain,” I said, changing the subject.

“Wait. You met somebody?” she said. “Who? I know everyone here.”

“The delivery guy.”

“You’ve got the hots for a pizza guy? Is it Marco, because I’d totally let him put his pepperoni on my deep dish.”

“Ew! Stop!” I said, this time spitting out some of my drink. “And no, it wasn’t the pizza guy. Besides, aren’t they always about thirty minutes or less? After Tom turning me into a freaking nun, I need longer than half an hour. It’s the mailman, the guy who drops off packages at the university.”

“Wow. He musta made some impression on you.” She grinned and softly nudged me. “What will Tom say?”

I couldn’t help but grin when I thought of him. “I felt like we had this amazing connection. We just stared at each other, standing there in the rain. It was weird, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Do you think it’s possible to bump into your soulmate too late? I mean, can Mr. Right show up at the wrong time?”

She cocked her head. “I guess, if you believe in that kind of stuff.”

“I didn’t...until I saw him.”

“You don’t even know if he’s single.”

“But the way he looked at me... It was like we both just know. I swear, my soul went through some sort of epiphany, a profound awakening. There was this undeniable, intense attraction.”

“Maybe your soul knows it’s the exact right time, time for a change. He’s got a hot bod’, I take it.”

“Oh, yeah! He must work out at the gym every day.”

“Well, there ya go. Forget the soulmate stuff. You’re crawling through the desert, and boom! An oasis of manliness.”

“No, I think there’s more to it than that. I mean, I even fantasized about him, overcome with this deep urge to fuck him senseless. That’s not really like me. I mean, I saw him before  a few times and thought he was super-hot, but I never let it affect me until that day. Oh my gosh. What kind of wife does that make me?”

“A horny one. If you’re not getting any, it’s gotta be some kind of torture working around all these college guys.” 

My jaw set into a grimace. “Well, my recent bout of celibacy is entirely involuntarily celibacy.”

“It’s not healthy to be stuck in a sexual desert.”

“Well, it’s not healthy to cheat either,” I said.

Leaning back against the bench, she peered at me intently. “I’m not telling you to go out and have an affair. I’m just saying you need to put an end to that so-called marriage and move on.”

My stomach clenched at the thought of actually divorcing Tom. “I’ve tried to fix things, but I’m just not desirable in his eyes anymore, and that hurts more than anything.”

“Things will sort themselves out, sis.”

“I hope so. I’m going to try to seduce him when we go on our little mini-vacation.”

She shrugged. “If you think that will help, give it a try. Tom’s a great guy, and I do love him. I just hate that he makes you feel this way. It just isn’t normal. You’re a beautiful girl, and your sister shouldn’t be the only one telling you that.”

“I know. I’ll give it this one last shot, but if this doesn’t work... I’m about to my breaking point.”

“I know it sounds like I’m rooting for you to get a divorce, but I’m not. You know I only want the best for you. If there’s a chance you can fix this, try. You can’t throw a good thing away over a bump in the road. On the other hand, I don’t like what he’s doing to you. If he won’t shape up, you need to kick his butt to the curb.”

“I know, sis.”

Her gaze narrowed. “Morgan, you have a decision to make. Do you wanna continue living your life like this, or are you ready to make a change?”

“Neither,” I said, “but marriage is a promise for life, and I have to try to make good on that promise, or I won’t be able to live with myself.” I let out a long breath. “Enough of me, how are you and Art doing?”

“We’re doing great.”

“You guys see each other all the time and you work with one another.”

“Yeah, we can’t get enough of each other.”

“I’m glad you and Art worked out.”

She smiled. “Me too. I just can’t believe he’s all mine.”

“Well, you deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks. We’re going out to dinner tonight. I’m taking him to this new Japanese restaurant. He’s never had Japanese food so I can’t wait for him to try it.”

“Sounds like you guys are getting along fantastic.”

“Yeah. I can’t believe he ever gave me a chance after the way I treated him.”

“You were awful!”

“I know. I feel so bad. I guess I have a lot of making up to do.”

I smiled. “Yes you do.” 

I
took a shower, slipped into a silk nightgown, then crawled into bed. I wrapped my arm around Tom, only for it to be roughly flung off of him like he was shooing away a pesky housefly. 

“What are you doing?” he said.

“I just want to hold you, baby.”

“Not tonight.”

“Or any night,” I retorted, then started to sob uncontrollably. A tidal wave of emotions washed over me. I was so darn lonely and so darn miserable.

“Morgan, what’s wrong?” he finally asked, as if he just suddenly noticed my sniffling.

“I didn’t sign up for this,” I cried.

“Sign up for what?”

“Loneliness 101 at Belmont University, Professor.”

He rolled over and pressed his lips into a grim line. “It breaks my heart that you’re hurting, but—”

“But nothing, Tom! If it breaks your heart, why do you keep ignoring me? I’m hurting because of you. I’m your wife, and you’re supposed to love me, physically and otherwise.”

He didn’t answer and just peered at me in the dark.

“Well? Do you love me or not?” I asked.

“Yes, of course.”

I heaved a sigh. “Keep telling yourself that lie, and you might eventually believe it, but I won’t. Tom, I need to know if you want me or if you want out of this marriage. I am tired of feeling like this.”

“Out of the marriage?” he said, as if it was a ridiculous assumption. “No. I take my wedding vows very seriously.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure him out. He didn’t want to end the marriage, but he wanted nothing to do with me. For as smart as he was, he was a genuine fool who made no sense. “We’re best friends, and we can usually talk about anything, but you’ve become so physically distant, and you won’t even look at me. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong,” he stammered.

“You promised to love me forever.” I wept. “You vowed to love, honor, and cherish me until the end of time, for better or worse.”

He put the pillow over his head, as if to drown me out. “And I’m honoring those vows. I’m still here, aren’t I?”

I touched his back. “Only sort of. I feel like I’m losing you.”

He peeked out from under the pillow. “You’re not. Now go to bed. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

Harvey, our golden retriever, jumped up next to him, and Tom petted his head. The dog snuggled next to him, and I couldn’t help but feel jealous that the furry beast got far more attention from my husband than I did.

I sat up and said, from the edge of the bed, “Regardless of what you say, I don’t feel like you love me anymore. You’d rather cuddle with that stupid dog than with me, and there’s something seriously wrong with that. We’re broken. We’re slowly dying, baby.”

Again, he had no answer for me.

I wiped my eyes with a tissue. “Are we that far gone?”

This time, he actually pushed the covers off, turned on his bedside lamp, and sat up next to me in some lame attempt to try to make me feel better. “We’re fine, Morgan, so please quit being so...dramatic,” he said.

I gazed at him. “Why aren’t you attracted to me anymore? Tell me what to do to fix it. I’ve been going to the gym twice a week, and I’ve lost ten pounds. I’ve bought sexy lingerie, and I always make sure to come to bed with my hair and makeup in place. I’ve tried everything. Is there another woman in your life or something?”